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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Standing by someone- potential bipolar

47 replies

TheMuteMoose · 02/08/2019 16:45

Has anyone left a partner due to their bipolar and outbursts?

I am struggling with the guilt of leaving my partner.. he can be one of the most amazing men I have come across but also the most horrible, hurtful, hateful and spiteful person. I stood by him through out his therapy sessions, and he is in the process of seeing a doctors but I simply cannot take his outbursts any longer.

They are all aimed at me. He says the most hurtful things, he goes missing for days, he blocks my number only unlocking me to shout and give me abuse to then immediately block again so I cannot have my say. He has kicked me out only to cry and beg me to come back. He gets people to do “investigations” on me as e believes I am cheating.

Through out all of this I have tried to love and support him, help him through and try and remind myself what he says isn’t true.

I just can’t do it anymore and I have left. Only now to be guilt tripped, how could I do it? How could I not help him? Etc etc

I just hope I did the right thing

OP posts:

wheresmymojo · 02/08/2019 21:16

"A lot of people who contact loveisrespect assume that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, their partner might have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), narcissistic personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality). While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse, although there are a few mental illnesses or disorders that can increase the risk of abusive patterns to show up in a relationship and in other areas of life. Mental illness tends to affect all areas of a person’s life, such as work or school, interactions with friends or family members and personal relationships. In contrast, abuse primarily affects personal relationships and typically not the other areas of life. Abusive behavior in an intimate or dating relationship and mental illness are two separate things."

www.loveisrespect.org/content/does-mental-illness-cause-abuse/

wheresmymojo · 02/08/2019 21:18

Excusing their abusive behaviour as a symptom of MH illnesses and then turning this around to say "How could you abandon me when I have MH issues and I need you?" is a horrible form of gaslighting.

He is preying on your nice personality to guilt you into going back and accepting more of the same.

You've absolutely done the right thing by leaving

Original poster

TheMuteMoose · 02/08/2019 21:19

Confusing is the best word for it. Nothing I do seems to be the right thing, and it can change daily. I think he enjoys pushing me to the point I cry, but then belittles me and calls me pathetic or weak when I do get upset. If I get cross (rarely) he says I am crazy and he doesn’t feel safe.

I think in short, even writing it down is making me see this is ridiculous. The man may be poorly, but as much as I love him I don’t think I am stand by and even attempt to help.

He has threatened suicide, which he has done many many times before I don’t believe any of it. It does still play on my mind though. I suppose I just feel guilty that I have caused it, by leaving him. But I would never leave if he was the good person he is 50% of the time.

I wish I could give more details, but they will be very outing.

OP posts:

wheresmymojo · 02/08/2019 21:21

Honestly the more you write, the more I think it is obvious he's just a common garden emotionally abusive man.

The bipolar (if he even is; he may be making it up) is just a gaslighting technique.

Stay strong OP. You deserve a million times better than this.

Sakura7 · 02/08/2019 21:24

My mother has both bipolar and borderline personality disorder.

If you are going to attempt to continue in a relationship with this person (and at this point I'm not sure you should to be honest), it is absolutely vital that he goes to the doctor and gets medication.

I'm a bit surprised by the people saying that these illnesses don't cause abusive behaviour. It is well established that they often do, when left untreated. Until my mother was medicated she was abusive, reckless, unstable and at times dangerous. She is a lot better since she got the proper treatment, although it can still be a struggle at times.

Original poster

TheMuteMoose · 02/08/2019 21:29

@wheresmymojo I did question if he even had the counselling sessions. Not out loud to him but I did have my doubts. I can’t say too much, but I do know he definitely did attend the first couple but I’m not sure how or where the sessions are heading.

I cannot understand why someone would want to emotionally abuse someone but yet beg them to
Come back. The things he says which he says are uncontrollable, that he doesn’t know he is saying then perhaps they are true.

What a mess. I have removed my self from all forms of social media for now, till this all blows over

OP posts:

wheresmymojo · 02/08/2019 21:32

The things he says which he says are uncontrollable, that he doesn’t know he is saying then perhaps they are true.

This is definitely not a symptom. This would only be true if he was genuinely psychotic (and this would be very obvious to you and everyone around him as he'd have totally lost touch with reality in every sense which doesn't remotely sound like what is going on here).

So that being the case this is total bullshit. It is controllable and he knows what he's saying.

He is begging you to come back because he wants to retain control over you and your emotions.

Original poster

TheMuteMoose · 02/08/2019 21:39

Thank you @wheresmymojo it seems I really have been taken for a ride. I have been a verbal punch bag listening to his horrible words thinking he couldn’t control them and had no idea or control about what he was saying. The things that come out of his mouth are outrageous and some times I just stand there opened mouthed trying not to cry. The hours or days later he is begging and apologising for what he had said to me. (This is normally after 2 dash of going awol)

OP posts:

wheresmymojo · 02/08/2019 21:41

He could only do this because you're a decent person who wanted to support someone who told you they had a MH illness.

This is all on him.

Take some time to take care of yourself and heal.
Definitely block all contact with him (he'll just try to manipulate you).

Gingerkittykat · 02/08/2019 21:52

What type of therapist does he have? Unless it is one who is medically qualified they would not be giving out a diagnosis.

Some of his behaviour could be because of mental illness, i.e. an underlying paranoia making him jealous but that is no reason to stay.

It sounds like you have done the right thing by leaving, begging you to come back and trying to guilt trip you are classic abuser tactics. If he starts threatening suicide or violence then contact the police immediately and refuse to engage.

billy1966 · 02/08/2019 22:12

OP, who cares what's wrong with him.
One thing for sure is, he's a nasty piece of work and you are his punch bag.

Having left, he is missing his verbal punch bag.
Let him threaten whatever.

You've left.
It's over.
Block him.

CobraGoose · 02/08/2019 22:40

Does he also have a drink problem?

Original poster

TheMuteMoose · 02/08/2019 23:00

@cobragoose he claims not too, but drinks every night. Either at home or in the pub bu is rarely “drunk” but my god he can drink! I’m not a drinker at all, but I do tend to just leave him too it.

OP posts:

landscapingtrees · 02/08/2019 23:14

he sounds truly awful.

poor you.

i'd say get as far away as possible.

say you've decided you don't want a relationship (so not blaming him or yourself), don't discuss your decision or your reasons for your decision, don't get involved in all his mind games (which is what they are).

landscapingtrees · 02/08/2019 23:15

just run

CobraGoose · 02/08/2019 23:17

Trying an al anon meeting could be helpful for you.

You might very well meet supportive women there who have been in relationships very similar to yours, full of mind games and crazy making ( as well as having someone disappear for days).

So strikingly similar, in fact, that you might wonder if you’ve all been in a relationship with the same guy! maybe just something to look into, there will be a meeting near you if you look online.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 02/08/2019 23:22

I totally agree with others that he just sounds emotionally abusive. Everything you've mentioned is a classic tactic of an abuser. I actually think the counsellor is being irresponsible by suggesting his behaviour is down to him being bipolar as this is allowing him to justify his terrible behaviour and makes you feel like he cannot control it.

Even if he is bipolar it doesn't excuse his behavior towards you. You can be abusive AND bipolar and it's not in your best interests to find out. He is using this as a free pass to treat you terribly.

The reason he keeps pushing you away and then begging you back is all about power and control. Please read up on emotional abuse and as PP suggested, read Lundy Bancroft. I'd also suggest reading up on narcissism as nearly all abusive people are narcissistic.

TemporaryPermanent · 02/08/2019 23:25

Hope you stay well away from him.

My dh had a major mh diagnosis and it was unbearably hard for both of us at times. He was also the loveliest, gentlest man ever who would and did do anything for me. You don't have to be in his world, he sounds awful.

peekyboo · 02/08/2019 23:25

He tells you to leave to hurt you. He doesn't want you to leave because then he couldn't hurt you. Everything he does is to hurt you, and he only does it to you because he's fully in control.

Any niceness is to draw you back in.

He Does Not Love You.

People who love you don't treat you like this. If he wasn't in control, he'd behave badly with everyone, even if he tried to control it. But he turns it off and on like a tap.

He blocks your number without a second thought. Block his for a few days, or for the rest of your life.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/08/2019 23:41

However the very fact that he can be shitty with you and be normal with other people at the same time just goes to show that this is emotional abuse, not his mental health issues.

This is a good assessment of the situation, OP, and you need to get out of it. As a PP said, if he was truly psychotic, he'd behave this way to everyone, not just you.

Please distance yourself from him and ignore any pleas to come back. You deserve so much better that him.

Original poster

TheMuteMoose · 03/08/2019 12:24

Thank you all. I would never have classed his behaviour as emotional abuse as I always put this down to his MH but after reading all night long I think it’s certainly the case. The thing is I was more than prepared to stand by him through it all but I don’t think I have the strength. It zaps every bit of strength our if me, it leaves me so drained I can barely function at work some days.

He needs to get the help if he is to ever be happy but I know the happiness will not be with me. I would rather be alone than deal with the outbursts and the truly evil things that are said to me.

He always tells me I am the issue.. maybe I am? But if so, all the more the reason I should stay away.

Day 3 of NC, my word it’s been beyond tough

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 03/08/2019 23:45

If my MH issues caused me to behave like that towards someone I loved, I would beg them to leave me, I would remove myself from them. I would protect them from me by staying away. That he is begging you to come back tells you everything you need to know. He wants his punchbag. He gives no fucks about you as a person.

Stay blocked.

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