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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh has left

49 replies

lunavix · 01/08/2007 21:18

I was going to make that longer but I have no idea what to write.

It's off my back, not his. Oh and I can't be fucked with changing my name, so all and sundry are free to read this. I've posted about him before and tried to hide myself, but I just don't have the energy.

I havne't been happy for years, and it's come to a head. He isn't happy either, but he wants it to work, I don't know if it's just because he loves me or if it's more the kids/house/public eye type things, I don't know. I haven't been convinced he loves me with the way he's treated me over the years, but maybe he does.

In a way I feel relieved. I've just survived MIL coming over, I knew she would, to talk me out of it. To be honest, facing his family is and will be the hardest part. Does that make me cold?

I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to do. I feel sad, and lost. And angry too. Noone thinks I'll cope with kids/work/ everything, MIL told me she didn't think I would. I'm not a child

Argh. I fucking hate it all. Someone tell me it'll get better please

OP posts:
Trinityrhino · 01/08/2007 21:20

oh luna

it will get better
I promise

Dropdeadfred · 01/08/2007 21:22

It will definitely get better if you want it to.

Trinityrhino · 01/08/2007 21:22

have you got anyone with you?

can a friend come over and give you a proper hug
and tell you that you can do it alone

Mommalove · 01/08/2007 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fawkeoff · 01/08/2007 21:23

hugs

Original poster
lunavix · 01/08/2007 21:25

not really no... i don't really have any close friends locally well i have one close friend really but she lives tons of miles away and her fiance is dh's best friend so...

I've got the kids... they're all I need. Dunno if they'll appreciate me waking them for a cuddle though. No idea what to say to ds he's only 3 and bound to ask if his dad's not around as much. I feel like I'm going to deprive them of a dad....

OP posts:
Anonymama · 01/08/2007 21:26

Be loads better, sooner than you think. If you have been unhappy for years, and he has treated you badly (I don't know your history, but you imply such), then it sounds like things can only get better.

It is really hard making the decision to end a long term relationship, and must be doubly so when you have children with someone, but life is relatively short, too short to waste it being miserable all the time.

Guilt is not a constructive emotion, so concentrate on trying to make the split "work" in terms of how your children experience it, e.g. trying to keep things steady for them. I am sure that in a few days you will feel this cloud lift from over you. Remember your MIL will have a very one-sided opinion of your relationship with your DH, as well being very biased in favour of her child (as any mother would). Try not to take it personally if she seems to interfere at the moment. She is probably genuinely concerned for her grandchildren and her son. In the longer term, you might want your kids to have continued contact with their extended family.

And you are not cold. Sometimes relationships just wear you down over time, and you can feel a bit numb.

Take care.

purplepoppet · 01/08/2007 21:28

Big hugs to you! Things will get better and sort themselves out. Just take one day at a time...it's all very raw at the moment. Take things as they come and try not to worry too much about absolutely everything now..one step at a time. Try and conserve your energy for yourself and your kiddlies.

Whatever way this goes, you will get there xx

Aitch · 01/08/2007 21:30

strength and peace to you, luna. this is tricky stuff, but if you've not been happy and you can't fix it then it's the only way to go.

Original poster
lunavix · 01/08/2007 21:30

thanks everyone, i forgot to say.... i know it sounds pathetic but I appreciate anyone offering any words of help, i feel a little alone right now even if it's self inflicted

anonymama he wasn't abusive as such, well the worst he's done recently is spit at me, but it's an emotional wear-down really. And I am worn down. Worn out.

MIL wants me her dh and fil to sit down and they want to referee me and him to try and sort it out I can't think of anything more horrid. It makes me feel like a child too, when I know I'm only in my 20s but still, I find that so upsetting.

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 01/08/2007 21:30

he can still be a fantastic dad without having to live at home, do not feel guilty for ur decision.......ur obviously not happy so u are trying to get urself happy again.........who knows u and dh might sorrtt things out over time

fawkeoff · 01/08/2007 21:32

oh my god.....do not let mil try and bully you into doing something that u dont want to do........she will always pick her flesh and blood anyway

Original poster
lunavix · 01/08/2007 21:32

i know i know...

mils told me to think how I'd feel if he'd left with the kids... I just had to repeat over and over it wasn't premeditated, I don't have a plan. She seems to expect me to have an answer for how I'll cope financially, how often they'll see the kids... I have no idea.

OP posts:
purplepoppet · 01/08/2007 21:33

Your MIL is clueless Fine, maybe you would benefit from some counselling/mediation, but certainly not by them!!!!

She's interferring, I know it's hard, but try and detach yourself a little from her...she's getting way to involved.

..., plus, he's not abusive, but he SPAT at your recently.. That's outrageous!! Don't know what to say!!!

purplepoppet · 01/08/2007 21:35

..you need to tell her to back off! This is your decision, you mustn't let her make you feel guilty. She will always side with her son, but she won't know him like you do!

fawkeoff · 01/08/2007 21:37

just tell her that she needs to back off and give u space to breathe......and that u need to sort out visits with dh first.....and as for money situation then u'll be able to claim working tax credits and help towards rent if ur workin

Anonymama · 01/08/2007 21:42

Luna,
I think spitting at you is pretty abusive. OK, so he's not been swinging at you... Sometimes though I bet you just wished he would - then it would have been a clear case of "abuse". However, emotional abuse is still grounds for ending a relationship. I've been there. And was in my twenties too.

I can only say that I never looked back.

Keep your chin up xx

Original poster
lunavix · 01/08/2007 21:47

I know she needs to back off.

I'm struggling with saying 'It's over, goodbye' this will sound so stupid but I have no idea why. Scared of hurting him (lol cos stringing him along is so much better) scared of being alone, scared of the backlash from the family... I don't know which one it is but I obviously can't sound definate enough as they keep telling me we will have to sort it out. I've told him and MIL that I love him but I'm not in love with him, and I've had enough. But apparently without spitting feathers and screaming abuse this means that I don't want it really...

I don't deal with conflict very well. I try to avoid it. And I don't talk about emotions well, in person anyways, another thing I try to avoid. And MIL and DH say I obviously don't care as I'm not upset (I wasn't bawling my eyes out when MIL arrived on the doorstep, I was upstairs sorting dd out who's been ill for a few days, and trying to remain calm and not panic).

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 01/08/2007 21:50

Luna, I remember threads from you in the past, I'm sure, about the way your H spoke to you.

I think you're being very brave and making the best decision for your family.

You are strong, you can do this

bananabump · 01/08/2007 21:57

Have you told your mil that he spat at you? I think you need to make her aware of the things her perfect boy has been doing to the mother of her children. If she isn't prepared to listen, or doesn't believe you, then ask her how she can possibly be a mediator if she's already biased.

Actually sod all that and tell her to mind her own fucking busines, you shouldn't have to face a judge and jury when you choose to split up with a man who spits at you and treats you like shit. Be strong, you've made the right decision.

Don't let her ask you questions about access to the kids and your financial situation, tell her it's too soon and you don't want to talk about it. Don't let her treat you like crap because you're in your 20's, it sounds like where your dh got his lovely attitude from.

By the way, you sound like a great mum, keeping yourself calm and paying attention to your kids is the way to get through this. And you will get through it, it'll just take a while to get sorted. Hope you're feeling a bit better.

Aitch · 01/08/2007 21:57

luna, you poor woman. you must be worn down if you're at the point where you don't think spitting at someone is abusive. how would you have to feel about someone to do that to them? it's a serious thing.
chin up, dearest girl. you've got the whole of MN on your side. just say no to the PiL, they are not on your side. [squeeze]

Saturn74 · 01/08/2007 22:01

lunavix, well done for making a brave decision and doing what is best for you and your children.
keep posting here, and make yourself unavailable to your MIL until you are feeling stronger.

Anonymama · 02/08/2007 14:04

Hope you having a better day. It's true what Aitch has said - if you can't see that being spat at is abusive, it's clear that you've been worn down over a long time.

Domestic abuse doesn't necessarily mean being physically hit. It can include making demeaning comments, using finances to take control within the relationship, alienating a partner from her/his family & friends, having rows escalate into shouting matches. From my experience, when someone lives with abusive behaviour over a number of years, especially when the abuser is someone they have once loved, it can be hard to actually identify controlling & abusive behaviour as such. You want to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, but as time passes, you just feel worn down and numbed by it all. In some cases, the abuse becomes physical, so good for you if you are putting a stop to it before that happens. For me, spitting at someone suggests a borderline situation between that emotional/verbal abuse and physical abuse "proper".

Have a look at www.womensaid.org.uk for advice on finances, legal & emotional stuff. If you are going to file for a divorce at some point, start making notes of your partner's unreasonable behaviour towards you (try to think of dates, places and examples); you can use these to apply for a divorce if you want to do so before a 2 year separation has elapsed. Get yourself a good lawyer when you are ready. You may be eligible for legal aid, I have some notes on this somewhere and could cut & paste them here if you want more info.

Keep things civil with your in-laws if you can (following the strategic advice of keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer!) but don't be afraid to make it clear to them that you are not prepared to discuss your separation with them. Good luck.

hazygirl · 02/08/2007 14:11

you will do fine you have the children they will keep you on,you are an adult dont let inlaws treat you like a child ,the kids are lucky to have you .

Original poster
lunavix · 04/08/2007 19:03

Thanks everyone.

Dh asked for the kids this weekend, he picked them up 5pm friday and isn't dropping them back till after lunch tomorrow. I'm hating being in the house alone We have no money so can't really do much, am about to start cleaning...

I'm hating being apart from the kids

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