dh has left

[lunavix]

I was going to make that longer but I have no idea what to write.

It's off my back, not his. Oh and I can't be fucked with changing my name, so all and sundry are free to read this. I've posted about him before and tried to hide myself, but I just don't have the energy.

I havne't been happy for years, and it's come to a head. He isn't happy either, but he wants it to work, I don't know if it's just because he loves me or if it's more the kids/house/public eye type things, I don't know. I haven't been convinced he loves me with the way he's treated me over the years, but maybe he does.

In a way I feel relieved. I've just survived MIL coming over, I knew she would, to talk me out of it. To be honest, facing his family is and will be the hardest part. Does that make me cold?

I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to do. I feel sad, and lost. And angry too. Noone thinks I'll cope with kids/work/ everything, MIL told me she didn't think I would. I'm not a child

Argh. I fucking hate it all. Someone tell me it'll get better please

hi lunavix
hope the weekend hasn't been too grim. sorry didn't post before as been away, and sounds like you could have done with some moral support. however, trust your kids are back with you now and that they, at least, have had a good time.

take care

hey

it was pretty horrid without them. Couldn't sleep and then a friend brought up christmas so cried most of saturday night I don't have any family really, so the kids are kinda it and as my friend pointed out, not only will Christmas with dh's huge family who spoil them rotten be tons of fun, but I will have to let them go freely. Argh. Trying not to think about it.

DH has announced he wishes to move back in. He can't afford half of mortgage plus rent, so - and to be honest I guess fairly - needs somewhere to stay, and says he will sleep on sofa. He's decided - as I believe his family are - that I'm suffering bad depression (probably a mix of postnatal and over my mother being terminally ill) because he can't understand why I'd want to split up with him lol. Apparently not loving him isn't a good enough reason.

I'm starting to panic about money. Dh and I agreed to sit down and have a chat about it, basically to treat each other like a shared house and pay our own bills, half the mortgage etc. Except he expects me to pay more as I'm a childminder and I use the house... he doesn't want me to phone tax credits and tell them we've split up, and I've posted about this as I'm wondering if they'd even treat me as a single person with him living there. But I won't be able to afford anything if not I barely earn enough to make mortgage payments. Someone on another thread said if you asked for a council house but you had a house on mortgage, they might help with your share of mortgage payments until a council house was available or your property was sold... someone on another thread says this isn't so and I'm panicking even more. Dh doesn't want to sell the house either, he says we won't get back what we paid for it (and we'd be severely out of pocket as it's interest-only)

So .... argh lol

On the bright side loving having the kids back although dh returned them knackered and they've both been stroppy

Lunavix...you can apply for tax credits if you are still living under the same roof but are separated. I know, I did it. I was up front with them, and told them that we had split, but H was refusing to leave and was only paying half the bills etc and my claim came through within days. And believe me I wouldn't manage without it. H has left now anyway, but while he was still here I was still entitiled to the money. Hope this helps.

tbh i think your dh is full of shit - its a dicotomy - becuase you trust him....kinda out of instinct

he doesn't want to split with you

why in fucks name wouldhe make it easy?

he wants to stay in the same house as you and make you miserable as a punishment.

so, youneed to get the house valued. only then can you amke a decision.

go for a legal seperation.

put houseon market - contact the council and tell them that due to marital breakdown you need somewhere to live as the house is being sold.

they dont help with mortgage payments - but becuase housing is so short - what they MAY offer to do - if they are a top council - is offer relationship councelling to help you to stay together so they dont have to re-house you.

in your shoes - i wouldnt let him sleep on the sofa - and i would tell him that the marriage split necessitates a sale.

btw you can do it - but you seriously need to be armed with the facts about the detail of your finances.

you can't rely on him for anything. he wont make it easy

so you need toget bank statements together and find out how much things cost.

and tell your MIL & FIL in a normal voice "this is non of your business. Quite frankly this intereference is making things much worse. It has nothing to do with you, goodbye"

I'm with Custardo on this one. You can always contact CAB and get some financial advice. Know where you stand first and foremost. Start separating your finances if you haven't already.

More importantly tell the in-laws to butt out and mind their own business. It's between you and your DH and nobody else.

You can do it. There's plenty of us out here facing single parenthood in all kinds of circumstances. Take care of yourself and don't be browbeaten.

thanks

he's come round tonight and tried to wear me down with 'giving it another go'

We're actually getting on really well with our own space, and I just keep pointing out that all I want to be is friends, as we'd get on better which is better for the kids. When he arrived he agreed, by the time he left (obviously thought in the middle he'd have won me over) he was stroppy. I'm surprised I've stuck to my guns, my friends have bets on that I'll take him back...

I will try and contact CAB as soon as possible. I work 10 hour days so trying to fit it in without the kids overhearing will be a struggle. I'm glad about tax credits. My other concern is he will say as he's living here he's entitled to half of them - we've always used the little we go towards household stuff, and all bills have been joint. He's already eyeing up all money I have. I've worked out that my share of the bills, mortgage and food = what I earn. So praying to god for tax credits.

custardo - I know. I'm trying so hard to keep it amicable, I don't know why really because of all the horrid he's been in the past. But I want to try and rise above it.

ali/custardo - I know, PILs are a pain in the butt. It makes me feel sad that they hate me now, I pretty much have no family, and no close friends as I had to move here for dh's work. So they're kinda all I had.

I totally sympathise re: the PIL's. Have the MIL from Hell but luckily she now lives more than 5000 miles away and I probably never ever have to see her again . I know it's so hard when you haven't got people around you. Can't say much about my situation on here, but briefly moved abroad and found out that H had been having an affair for 18mnths and it was all my fault.

In July last year he decided that he wanted to leave me and the boys . But I've fought my corner for my right to stay where I am and am nearly there. Sadly means giving up my SAHM lifestyle but it's well worth it and I'm looking forward albeit with dread to going back to work. I'm an only child so parents are also 5000 miles away, but luckily I've made some amazing friends here.

We're all here to help you through this and I'm always around at this time of night if you need to chat.

today is the first day of the rest of life - ENJOY! IT WILL GET BETTER

Thanks

Tbh even I thought I'd take him back, I've done it before. I feel so much stronger having not done it.. yet -sigh-

alipiggie - thanks currently very insomniac due to being in the house as the only responsible adult!

I've had to just do something I'm not proud of and ask dh for a favour

My sister just phoned to say my mums taken a turn for the worse - it's an hour and a half drive. I don't drive. So I phoned to ask him to help.

I feel really ick now. Have no idea what I'd do if we were totally not talking.

Hope your mum is OK Lunavix

hope ur mums ok luna..........dont feel shit bout asking him for a favour...its just one of those things,you will still need help from time to time x

Lunavix...sorry about your Mum, I hope she's ok. I just wanted to say that it's hell trying to live in the same house, but separated. We did that and you don't have your own life, you do still feel answerable to him, and while that situation is ongoing he will never take you seriously. I've been through exactly that. Also, re the tax credits thing - mine did exactly the same thing but with council tax benefit, he refused to pay half of the bills so I applied for and got council tax benefit and housing benefit for my 50% of the bills. When the amended bill came he asked what it all was and I told him 'that's what you've paid so far, that's my half paid by benefits, and that's what you still owe'. He said 'well seeing as your half's been paid off, you can pay half of mine'!!! He wanted me to pay half of HIS half . Also, with tax credits if you make a claim in your own name, singly, he won't have any say in it whatsoever, no claim at all. That money is yours and yours alone.
Good luck.

lifebeginstoday - sounds exactly like my husband!!!!!!!!! I always knew he must have a mistress .... he keeps asking for money (we have a joint account... the fact that there's nothing in it isn't my fault!) I'm phoning tax credits etc and I know he will lay claim to half of it which he can dream on about. I have an account with my tax money in (I'm self employed) and he told me yesterday if I have any left over after paying my tax bill he's entitled to half!!!! I'm selling dd's baby stuff to try and get some cash together for things... he keeps eyeing up everything I'm doing and asking where the moneys going.... driving me up the wall.

oh and thanks for the thoughts about my mum, I'm waiting for dh to finish work so we can go, it's not going to be good (terminal cancer) but I think I'm coping okay, sadly we aren't that close anyways.

Awwww Luna, am so sorry to read this

How are you today?

Can you text me your new mobile number again as I deleted all my last lot of messages!

xxx

Lunavix....he won't even know about the tax credit thing if you're careful as the paperwork will only come to you, and not to each of you as it does when you apply as a couple. The tax credit people even offered to post it to a proxy address for me so he couldn't intercept it! They were incredibly helpful when I explained the circumstances. The good thing is, that although I will be financially 'poorer', I will only have myself to answer to and can economise and cut corners and budget knowing it's my money and I'm not accountable to anyone, so in the end I'll be better off if that makes sense? The kids don't care if they are eating mcvities jaffa cakes or tesco's own for instance! Before I took the plunge I spent many a sleepless night worrying about how I;d manage if ever I got the guts to strike out alone, now I see it as a challenge - an adventure even .

well.. ive found out my mum died a few hours ago

i'm still at home as dh has been 'held up at work'

nbg, will do.

aww luna i am so sorry >>>>>>>cyberhugs

Hello Lunavix
Really sorry to hear your mum has passed away. So hard when your life is in such a state of flux as it is.

Do you have any friend close by who you can invite round for some company this evening? Or someone to call?

Take extra good care of yourself

Putting all the sh*t with your partner to one side for while might be necessary for you to be able to cope with all of this, but I was going to advise you to contact your bank, if you have a joint account and ask them to put a limit on withdrawals & require two signatories for cheques (for the time being).

Oh god, so sorry to hear that Luna.

Wishing you loads of strength.

Luna...so so sorry. Nothing more to add than that.

OMG Luna, had no idea about all this going on, just saw your thread on childminder section and your profile showed me this thread. What a nightmare I'm so sorry about your mum and everything, such a lot to deal with at once. This has had me in tears

If you need someone to talk to, just say and I'll come and meet you. I could give you the other bits for the baby swing that I never got round to posting (sorry). You know how to contact me if you need some RL support!!!

{{{{{hugs}}}}}