MIL and my DD

[OhDearDottie]

I'm having a bit of a difficult time at the moment. I'm trying to get ready to return to work after nine months maternity leave but am having real difficulty accepting that my MIL will be looking after my DD for 1.5/2 days a week. The following explanation is to try and help me understand why I am feeling this way and largely if this is something in my head or not. And if not what do I do?

Early on in the pregnancy, it was decided by my DH and I that it made sense for MIL to do some childcare as a way of paying off £5000 that she owed my DH. As money was (and always is) an anxiety trigger for me I felt that I had to agree because we couldn't afford full time childcare. Once DD was here, I pushed for a childminder for two days as I had begun to find MIL difficult at the end of my pregnancy and was concerned about DD being in her care.
I found a childminder and LOVE her which instead of reassuring me has only served to further make me realise that I don't want MIL in sole charge of my DD.

Here are the things that MIL has 'done' which are either in my head or not.

1. she smokes (no judgement, I used to until pregnancy). But she refuses to acknowledge the danger of her smoking around my DD. When she came to visit us in hospital, I could smell that she had recently had one but she denied it. This is a continual thing - she won't be honest about her smoking.

2. MIL is weird around my DD. Which I acknowledge sounds vague but I can't pinpoint what it is exactly. I feel that when we are round there she becomes very possessive, refusing to let other family members hold my DD and getting frustrated when I ask for her back as she is getting stressed. There have been comments about my own possessiveness but I don't mind people having cuddles I just try and stop her getting upset from overstimulation. But generally her possessiveness makes me feel uncomfortable although I don't know why!

3. MIL has always wanted a DD. I don't feel that she will respect my decisions as her mother and will attempt to dominate me. She already doesn't respect many of my decisions such as weaning methods, clothing choices and baby wearing.

Does this sound like an issue in my head? I've talked it through with my DH and my standpoint is that while DD is unable to communicate with me I don't want MIL left with her. Am I just being possessive myself? If I am how do I stop before going back to work?

There are a few things going on here, OP.

Regarding the three points you mention, the first one would be a problem for me but the other two are a bit vague - it sounds like you may be overreacting a bit, but it's hard to be sure.

You do not have to leave your baby with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable. It's really hard to go back to work unless you are sure that your baby is being well cared for.

The money thing is an added complication. You say that you wouldn't be able to afford full time childcare? So if you say no to MIL and use the childminder instead, what does that mean financially? Is that even an option?

One thing I don't think you should do is tell MIL you don't want her to look after the baby AND ask for the money back. That really would be a kick in the teeth for her!

What does your DH think?

The money thing is complicated. As it turns out she did have the money to repay DH but chose to spend the money on his DB's wedding. But yes, if she had repaid us we would be looking at full time childcare.

I suspect that I will never be able to explain what it is that makes me uncomfortable. It isn't a single clear event but a little creeping feeling. But until I can explain why DH pretty much thinks I need to suck it up (which I possibly do). Although even he is dubious about her.

The warning sign is the always wanting a dd

My bfs hubby was one of 4 boys. When she had her first dd, the mil offered to babysit and she was awful. Wouldn’t follow my friends instructions (particularly when it came to pain medication) went around saying my daughter, not granddaughter. Introduced her to things that they didn’t want her to etc. Treated their house as her own, including inviting people over without asking or notice.

The mil is not allowed unsupervised contact anymore.

If you don't feel comfortable with her looking after your baby, then you shouldn't let her do it.

She already doesn't respect many of my decisions such as weaning methods, clothing choices and baby wearing.

If she doesn't respect how you want your baby to be looked afterespecially with the weaning thingthen she's not a fit person to do it I'm afraid.

Use the child minder. Tell your MIL to pay back the money she owes. It's all too complicated otherwise.

Have MIL pay directly for 2 days of child minding. I would NOT have a smoker looking after my baby - it's a massive SIDS risk.

She is lying about her smoking, so what's to stop her smoking around your child eg as she pushes her in a swing or pushchair.

She also doesn't respect your parenting decisions, and that's before she is effectively raising your child 2/7 days.

NO WAY would I let someone who didn't respect my choices as parent look after my baby.

I believe wholeheartedly in mother's intuition! Do what is right for your baby.

Childcare is expensive however it's such a relatively short time before they're at school, if you really love the childminder you'll make it work.

Although it should be a last resort, lots of people get in to debt to cover the temporary childcare costs of having a very young child. Go through your expenses ruthlessly:

• do you need a mobile phone contract or could you find a cheaper sim only deal?
• do you need to buy new things or could you get similar for cheaper, e.g. ebay or Gumtree
• how many cars are in your household? Are they really essential?
• do you need subscription tv or could you make do with freeview?
• have you checked you're on the best deal for your gas/electricity?

Every penny counts. I went through everything and made all the savings I could and now work the fewest hours possible to cover our outgoings.

Don't forget to check if you can get help from the government with childcare costs via "Tax Free Childcare" or "Universal Credit".

So I spoke to DH last night and explained that I am not letting DD be in his MILs care for two days a week. Initially he was reluctant to spend the extra money as he was looking forward to living a bit more freely after my maternity leave but has agreed to drop it down to a single day.

We can't ask for the money. She doesn't know that we know about her paying towards the wedding and I can guarantee she will deny it. I'm annoyed as I didn't want DH to lend her the money as it came from our nest egg but he believed her promise that she would pay him back. And he is more frustrated that he believed her when she claimed that she couldn't pay him back due to money being tight.

One day a week sounds like a good compromise to me.

Why can’t you ask for the money? You don’t have to say it’s for childcare, just say you loaned it and now you need it back, as was agreed. Even if she pays a monthly amount and not a lump sum it would help with your childcare costs..

The smoking would be more than enough for me top call it off.

I don't think you have to compromise on something that makes you feel uncomfortable about your child's care. And you shouldn't compromise on your child's care because she doesn't pay you back. Agree a repayment plan in such a way that you can afford the child minder.
It's already hard and you haven't walked out of the door leaving your baby with her. Moving forward it's only going to get more complicated.

I wouldn't let a smoker look after my children

Who will be caring for your daughter when your mil is outside (I hope?) having a cigarette?

Your dd will be starting to toddle in the next few months and you can't leave a newly walking baby for a minute. She will not be watching her appropriately if she is having to pop out for a puff every hour or two.

OP, what would you do for childcare if your MIL dropped dead of a smoking related heart attack tomorrow?
Okay - whatever answer you came up with - use that right now, instead of having MIL in the first place!
Nobody is indispensable or irreplaceable. There are alternatives to MIL if you’d prefer them.

It would be a no to a smoker looking after my children

I'd be pushing for that money back! It doesn't matter about you knowing she spent it, ultimately she promised to.pay it back so she can pay instalments. I wouldn't let anyone I hd doubts about do childcare for me either, especially one who didn't respect my position as the child's mother.

I appreciate everyone's comments and agree with the majority of them. If it were me on my own then I would ask for the money back and find and use alternative childcare options.

But my DH is also involved and while he agrees with me on the childcare dropping to just one day (and it won't be a full day necessarily due to me working shifts), he doesn't want to cause a family feud by demanding the money back.

As for the comments about not letting a smoker look after my DD, I ask her every time I see her and she lies to me saying she has given up. I tell her I can smell it and she just denies it or blames being around smokers in the street etc. How do I move on from that until I catch her red handed?

I guess it's just working out how to work within the family dynamics while ensuring my DD is cared for in the best setting.

The fact that shes lying about her smoking just makes it worse. She's obviously not to be trusted. No way would I be leaving her alone with my baby.

I know it makes it worse. I just don't know how to either get her to admit that she is still smoking. If I keep pushing the point then I will end up being the black sheep of the family. The evil DIL etc.

DH is going to talk to her. If she lies to him we will see where to go from there. He doesn't believe that she lies. (yet) x

I think that if she steps out of line even once you need to stop it - so leave the food you want fed and make it very clear about boundaries - then if you find a wrapper or a cigarette butt in the garden or bin then you can pull her up .

so before you start say its important she respects your boundaries and lay down the rules . say "I know things have changed over the years but this is how we want things done and hopefully you can have a good relationship with your granddaughter by sticking to our routine etc." .

I would never let a smoker care for my baby. You'll know she's lying soon enough when you pick up your daughter and she reeks like cigarette smoke.

The smoking alone would be an absolute no from me. She doesn’t have to admit it for you to make your decision- you know that she is. It’s a red flag that she’s lying about it too. The other things are your gut instinct and you should listen to it.

Although it must be difficult, I think you are lucky in a way to have the smoking thing as a definite reason to say no to any childcare. It’s a health issue.

WRT the rest, you have my sympathies as I have experienced the same (holding too long, refusing to give back, shooting off ahead with her in the buggy, walking into different rooms with her, overbearing with advice, being dismissive of her own daughter’s childcare decisions, ‘joking’ about having her to stay for two weeks) all of which has triggered major stress/anxiety around visits and care and I’m now having CBT. It’s very difficult to stand your ground and not feel that your being silly/unfair/mean/oversensitive but ultimately you have to feel comfortable and happy with your DD’s care. I am fine with good professional childcare and would rather pay and sacrifice luxuries for the peace of mind.

Indebtedness is an unusual attribute to look for in a childminder. I find it bizarre swap to say the least; writing off the debt of a flake in return for them having sole charge of what is hopefully the most precious thing in your lives.
Of course you can ask for the money back. It was a loan that she promised to repay. It wouldn’t be you that was causing a family feud.
My mum used to be a smoker, she adored my DD1, she promised she wouldn’t smoke in the car with her as she did with me, or close to her. She lied, repeatedly.
One day a week is too much. I’m amazed you are both happier to have your baby cared for by someone you both have reservations about just to avoid looking bad in front of family.
Still I suppose you are both nothing if not consistent, since presumably DH lent this money that could have been spent on your very young family, to his adult mother, so as not to look bad in front of his family?
Sorry to be so scathing but there is a lot of poor decision making going on by your own account.

While I accept that it might seem simple and in fact should be simple for me to simply say directly to MIL "you smoke so you aren't looking after DD. And can you pay me back the £5000 that you owe us?" And for everyone to be a grown up in that situation and accept their own behaviour. But honestly how many people would?

My DH wants to do this in a way which won't cause a family dispute. Family is everything to him and I respect that. So we are going with the one day and if DD smells of smoke at all we will remove her and put her into childcare full-time.

As for the rest I will put boundaries in place and be very clear that I expect them to be respected. I know I might seem like a pushover but I'm honestly not. I just want to avoid upsetting my DH if I can avoid it at all.