MIL and my DD

[OhDearDottie]

I'm having a bit of a difficult time at the moment. I'm trying to get ready to return to work after nine months maternity leave but am having real difficulty accepting that my MIL will be looking after my DD for 1.5/2 days a week. The following explanation is to try and help me understand why I am feeling this way and largely if this is something in my head or not. And if not what do I do?

Early on in the pregnancy, it was decided by my DH and I that it made sense for MIL to do some childcare as a way of paying off £5000 that she owed my DH. As money was (and always is) an anxiety trigger for me I felt that I had to agree because we couldn't afford full time childcare. Once DD was here, I pushed for a childminder for two days as I had begun to find MIL difficult at the end of my pregnancy and was concerned about DD being in her care.
I found a childminder and LOVE her which instead of reassuring me has only served to further make me realise that I don't want MIL in sole charge of my DD.

Here are the things that MIL has 'done' which are either in my head or not.

1. she smokes (no judgement, I used to until pregnancy). But she refuses to acknowledge the danger of her smoking around my DD. When she came to visit us in hospital, I could smell that she had recently had one but she denied it. This is a continual thing - she won't be honest about her smoking.

2. MIL is weird around my DD. Which I acknowledge sounds vague but I can't pinpoint what it is exactly. I feel that when we are round there she becomes very possessive, refusing to let other family members hold my DD and getting frustrated when I ask for her back as she is getting stressed. There have been comments about my own possessiveness but I don't mind people having cuddles I just try and stop her getting upset from overstimulation. But generally her possessiveness makes me feel uncomfortable although I don't know why!

3. MIL has always wanted a DD. I don't feel that she will respect my decisions as her mother and will attempt to dominate me. She already doesn't respect many of my decisions such as weaning methods, clothing choices and baby wearing.

Does this sound like an issue in my head? I've talked it through with my DH and my standpoint is that while DD is unable to communicate with me I don't want MIL left with her. Am I just being possessive myself? If I am how do I stop before going back to work?

I wouldn’t dream of letting a smoker look after my child for even one day a week, quite aside from everything else you’ve said. You know full well that she smokes so it doesn’t matter if you can’t ‘catch her’ to prove it. Your child’s safety should come first and so it would be a flat out no from me.

But that’s not the only option is it OP? It’s a straw man.

• Just seen you are going with the one day option. So the rest of your concerns have disappeared have they? It’s just the smoking now that bothers you.

Your daughter is DH ‘s family too. So what you mean is that family who can turn on him are everything to DH, and the most vulnerable member of his family must be handed over to keep them sweet. Just like the family money? What a Prince!

Nothing has changed. I still feel uncomfortable when MIL is around my DD. But I can't explain it other then in vague terms so might almost be a moot point.

As for focusing on the smoking, most posters were adamant that this was the main thing they would focus on so I did. Does it mean the rest was solved? Nope.

I have no answer to your last comment about DD being DHs family. She is and he adores her. If he needs to he will chose her over everybody else. But because he doesn't share my inexplicable discomfort around his mother when she is with my DD and because he loves his mum he wants to give her a chance. If she messes that up then she won't look after DD. He will put DD and I first.

Am I missing something? Are you all telling me that you could say to your extended family 'you make me uncomfortable when you spend time with DC and so I've decided that you can't be alone with her' without being able to explain further and your families wouldn't get upset? Because in mine you would.

Are you all telling me that you could say to your extended family 'you make me uncomfortable when you spend time with DC and so I've decided that you can't be alone with her' without being able to explain further and your families wouldn't get upset?

But you can explain further. You can say 'I believe you are a smoker and I am not prepared to expose my dd to passive smoking and to being left unsupervised for 5-10 minutes at a time while you are smoking outside.'

At the end of the day your dd's safety and good health are more important than slighting your mil.

What happens if the first time your mil leaves your dd alone to go for a smoke she injures herself? Would it be worth it to have not upset your ils?

I suspect that we have very different family dynamics to each other. I could explain my reasoning until I was blue in the face but I suspect that it would end up going round in circles.

But thank you for your comments, they were all very interesting and have lead to positive (although you won't agree) discussions between DH and I.

Are you all telling me that you could say to your extended family 'you make me uncomfortable when you spend time with DC

I wouldn't have to. I would tell DH and we would put our child first. I don't give people a chance to mess up when my DCs are involved. Any doubt DCs come first. I am lucky that my DH feels the same.
You don't have to tell her the truth "we've decided it works best for us", "I've read a Norwegian study that it's best for the children", who cares, it's your decision. As for the money your DH can ask her to pay you in instalments.

Totally agree with pp that I wouldn’t put my child in harms way. I would prefer a family rift. I wouldn’t give over one of our kids to make a family member happy.

I wouldn’t talk about the money at the same time as the childcare. I’d get bub set up in nursery and forget about the money for a while and raise the topic separately.

I'm really surprised that you and your DH aren't more uncomfortable about the fact that your MIL took £5,000 from you just before you had a baby, and gifted it to your BIL for his wedding, and has refused to repay it. Thats not what loving families do.

I think the OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place and while I agree that I wouldn't let my DC spend time with smokers I don't think that is what the OP is saying she is happy to do.

OP - I think you have been manipulated by your MIL. I think that there needs to be a clear and concise conversation where you lay out your position about smoking. If she can't agree with what you want then you take your child and pop her in full time childcare.

As for the family dynamics, I get it. My MIL is very easily offended. Simple things like going out with my SIL and not inviting her or not immediately picking up the phone when she calls has her ringing round all the other family members crying about about I am ignoring her or excluding her from the family. Your DH sounds like he is willing to do what it takes but wants to give her one more chance. I would suggest having the sit down come to Jesus chat with her before you return and if she can't give you the answers you want then just say so.