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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating partner / just bought a house

39 replies

KombuchaQueen · 02/08/2019 03:31

Brace yourselves. I have been with my partner (now ex) for nearly 6 years. We bought our flat together three years ago and have literally just (past month) bought a bigger house. I have since discovered via hacking into his Bumble account that he went and met a girl a couple of weeks ago after a series of flirty messages and I’m assuming they’ve had sex probably when I was away for the week (alerted to the fact of his having a Bumble account by a friend who saw his profile) and even if not it’s all just unforgivable in my eyes. Feel utterly sick but that’s not what I need advice on - if we sell the house now we will lose money, but I don’t want to go on living with him and doubt he’ll move out. If somebody moves into one of the spare rooms and I myself get a flatshare somewhere else, then in 2/3 years or whenever we come to sell could I still get 50% of everything? As I want to keep my name on the mortgage but just don’t want to live there. Anyone whose been in this situation please advise!!

OP posts:

PaterPower · 02/08/2019 07:52

I assume you can’t buy him out? Can you trust that he’ll keep the place in good condition? Will he definitely pay the mortgage? Because you’ll still be liable for it whilst you’re on it.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 02/08/2019 07:54

How much would you lose? It's just that it could all get very messy if you were trusting him to live there for a few years, like above poster mentioned.

ElspethFlashman · 02/08/2019 07:55

As in, you want to keep your name on the mortgage but don't want to pay it? And you're not married?

Risky proposition.

Original poster

KombuchaQueen · 02/08/2019 08:04

We will lose money selling it straight away. Hopefully in a couple of years it’ll have accrued some value so better position to sell. I think he would pay and keep it in good condition and that way I won’t be financially any worse off.

OP posts:

Howdoyousleep · 02/08/2019 08:32

I wouldn’t risk it. Could he afford to buy you out? It would be better to lose the money by selling rather than wait several years.

Original poster

KombuchaQueen · 02/08/2019 08:34

@howdoyousleep I don’t know if I’m missing something - how would it be better? If I was flatsharing I’d not pay anything towards the house, and I’d still get 50% in a couple of years. I don’t think he would flit off and not pay despite all his other faults.

OP posts:

Bufferingkisses · 02/08/2019 08:48

If you're not paying towards the house you won't get 50/50. The only thing you could do is rent "your" room then use that to pay your share of the mortgage and pay your own rent elsewhere.

I suggest legal advice before you confront him. Make sure the deeds are named correctly to protect your assets and see where you stand renting out a room. Some mortgages don't allow it. Do you think he'll be a good house sharer? He could easily scupper you by being difficult with lodgers.

Original poster

KombuchaQueen · 02/08/2019 08:54

But as long as the mortgage is being paid they will not care which of the two of us are paying it since we are jointly liable? Yes I’d plan to rent ‘my’ room out to cover my half of the mortgage, as you don’t need permission to have a lodger

OP posts:

Howdoyousleep · 02/08/2019 09:14

I think your plans are vague. You do need legal advice. You say, ‘whenever we come to sell in two or three years.’ What if you do not agree when to sell? What if you need the money before? What if you meet a new partner? What if it takes years to sell (brexit effect?) What if he doesn’t agree to you getting 50%? What if he is obstructive about the house sale?

I have been through this with an ex and the sale of the house was court ordered and he still was obstructive eg not accepting sensible offers that I would have agreed to, not agreeing to reduce the price after it had been on the market for six months, ignoring advice from the estate agents, doing work to the house and garden that I did not agree to and which had an effect on the asking price.

I would imagine your ex would not be as difficult but it could still be messy.

FuriousVexation · 02/08/2019 09:19

I think you need proper legal advice op. It doesn't sound an unreasonable plan but I've no idea if it would be robust enough to stand up in court

Original poster

KombuchaQueen · 02/08/2019 09:35

Thanks for your replies. I feel like absolute shit. Sitting at work trying not to cry and too embarrassed to tell anyone. Men really are trash.

OP posts:

Musti · 02/08/2019 09:38

You need legal advice. Most solicitors will give you 30 minutes free and that may be enough to tell you all you need.

NewMe2019 · 02/08/2019 11:49

You will be jointly liable to pay. If you want 50% in 2-3 years time and he can prove you weren't living there and he was making all the payments, he'd have a good case to go for more than 50%.

GoGoGoGoGo · 02/08/2019 12:35

There’s too many ifs and buts here. You also seem to think he’s going to be a reasonable person about everything. Why? He cheated on you, he’s hardly shown himself to be a nice reasonable person.

You’re too trusting. Make a clean break.

fernsfordays · 02/08/2019 13:19

I think you should sell - cut your losses and walk away. It will give you a clean break to start over again.

CursedDiamond · 02/08/2019 13:23

You need to make sure you draw up a contract which stipulates how long this arrangement will take place for, what expectations are on him, remedies for breach etc etc.

We didn't in the end, but I almost bought with a friend, and this is what we were planning to do, because while we're good mates, we were also aware that even the best friendships can go awry, especially when there is money involved...

Ilovemylabrador · 02/08/2019 13:26

Legal advice with a solicitor. You need to find out exactly what you can / can not do and take proper advice.

I'd do this before dicussing stuff with him.

HollowTalk · 02/08/2019 13:29

Sell up and end it now.

He hasn't behaved decently now while he's professing love for you. If you dump him, how can you rely on him to be decent then?

You are going to tell him he has to have a lodger and use that money to pay your half of the mortgage? Think this through. What if he "can't find a lodger"? You can't impose one on him. What if the lodger stops paying rent? What if the lodger turns out to be his girlfriend and she gets pregnant and can't pay rent?

You need to bite the bullet now and end it. Also house prices are likely to plummet after a no deal Brexit so you are better selling immediately.

NotStayingIn · 02/08/2019 13:44

Nice guy my ass. He has proven himself to be untrustworthy and selfish. Is that seriously someone you want to be living in your house? Without you? In the hope that he will play along to make sure you get a better financial outcome two / three years from now?

Nickki78 · 02/08/2019 14:00

You wasted nearly 6 years of your life with this man. Why not waste a few thousand pound to get him out your life for good? If that is what you want?

There no guarantee that you will make any money on the house in a couple of years with Brexit and a chance of recession.

RonniePasas · 02/08/2019 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Howdoyousleep · 02/08/2019 14:05

Good questions re the lodger. Who gets the lodger? What if he doesn’t agree? What if he doesn’t get on with the lodger? Presumably the lodger pays you and you pay the mortgage. Can you afford it when the lodger doesn’t pay or when they move out and can’t be replaced?l

I also thought what if the new woman moves in? How do you feel about that? They might not want a lodger.

Howdoyousleep · 02/08/2019 14:07

House prices are predicted to go down in the next couple of years. How long could you wait for the market to pick up to get your money?

sugarbum · 02/08/2019 14:12

I feel so sorry for you OP. What a shitbag to go through with the house purchase knowing he wasn't committed.

This happened to my neighbour last year. She found out three months after they moved in.
I would strongly advise that the best thing you can do is to sell, even though you will be losing money. You really don't want to be tied to him. He has proven himself to be a liar, so don't kid yourself that he will be 'reasonable'. I absolutely promise you that this will not be the case further down the line. Possibly with another woman singing in his ear.
My neighbour has tried a lodger. It didn't work out (because my neighbour is a bit of a nutter but lets not go there)
Go find some legal advise as soon as you can.

HollowTalk · 02/08/2019 14:17

Just thinking - you are actually going to give him the benefit of living in the lovely new house and you won't benefit at all! Yet he is the one who's destroyed the relationship. Be fair to yourself, not him.

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