Cheating partner / just bought a house

[KombuchaQueen]

Brace yourselves. I have been with my partner (now ex) for nearly 6 years. We bought our flat together three years ago and have literally just (past month) bought a bigger house. I have since discovered via hacking into his Bumble account that he went and met a girl a couple of weeks ago after a series of flirty messages and I’m assuming they’ve had sex probably when I was away for the week (alerted to the fact of his having a Bumble account by a friend who saw his profile) and even if not it’s all just unforgivable in my eyes. Feel utterly sick but that’s not what I need advice on - if we sell the house now we will lose money, but I don’t want to go on living with him and doubt he’ll move out. If somebody moves into one of the spare rooms and I myself get a flatshare somewhere else, then in 2/3 years or whenever we come to sell could I still get 50% of everything? As I want to keep my name on the mortgage but just don’t want to live there. Anyone whose been in this situation please advise!!

If you're not paying towards the house you won't get 50/50. yes you will if you are tenants in common.

My ex (not married) moved out for 2 years and never paid a penny towards son or mortgage but when I moved someone else in he came back to claim his half of the house.

The real worry is that if your ex defaults on the mortgage then you are still liable for the debt. Whilst you may lose money now at least it will be a clean break and limit you getting into further debt with him.

I was in a similar position in that exH and I brought a house at the top of the boom in Feb 2017 and then the market crashed and shortly after I found out he was cheating.
Long story short I couldn’t afford to buy him out on my own and nor could he, so we rented it for 1yr, after which he said he wanted to move back in and cover the mortgage. He promised me 50% when he had enough to buy me out. I had it in writing so felt ‘safe’ agreeing to it. Massive mistake!
He moved in his pregnant partner (the OW), without my knowledge. I couldn’t get her out without a formal eviction, which I would have to pay all costs. He then started to offer stupid money to buy me out. Well below market value. He refused to allow estate agents access to value the property. I had no control over what was happening to the house. Sub-letting rooms and the like. I couldn’t get a mortgage on a new property as I was still in his and was forced to rent.
It was a nightmare. I ended up walking away with less then I should have just to end the whole sorry ordeal.
If I could do it again, I would have sold up immediately at a loss and been free of him (and her!).

OP

People do enter into these sort of agreements. But they require a lot of consideration and negotiation between you and your ex. There are a lot of issues to consider.

Does he want a lodger?
Can he afford the risk of a lodger or will you both share this? By that I mean who is responsible for voids or non payment of rent.
What are your trigger points for a sale or buy out?
What about maintenance and betterment?
Are you and he emotionally in the right place to do this?

Entering into a casual agreement with either one of you planning to shaft the other is a receipt for disaster requiring much more legal input to sort.

@howdoyousleep can I just ask how your situation panned out?
Apologies for highjacking thread OP

I wouldn't OP. As most of the previous posters have said, just sell & move on. Why dont you live there instead of him....?? Why has he got to put up with a lodger of your choosing...??.

Just too messy all round.

you don’t need permission to have a lodger

You might - it depends on your mortgage company terms and also your insurance company.

I'd say either cut your losses and just sell up now or live in the spare room yourself - I did the latter from 9m and it was hard, but it was better than moving out and having no control and him no incentive to get on with things. Consider the loss to be just rent you would have paid had you been in a rental anyway.

Actually according to all advice I have revived you would still be entitled to 50 / 50 if the house comes to be sold now or in the future. I am stuck the opposite way round with my ex. I kept up the mortgage, have lived in the property and only recently moved out (it is currently rented out).

My house is just about at break even point if sold (was heavily in negative equity) - if it sells for a profit my ex according to the mortgage company is entitled to half. I may be able to reduce his portion by reclaiming any costs that contributed to the sale, but the fact remains the mortgage company still consider him half owner.

Think of it another way, if he lived there and stopped paying the mortgage they would pursue you for the mortgage payment. If the house payment defaults - it effects both your credit ratings.

I know these things are a mess and it may take some time, but I would look at the easiest way for you to be financially separated as soon as possible. I promise you do not want to have to be civil over an f'in house sale with your ex 8 years after you broke up!

You might need time to process the news and then weigh up the costs from each scenario. Is there anyone you can work thos through with, someone you trust but is able to be detached?

The gut reaction to losing money is natural but as others say it might stop you moving on.

If he is feeling guilty you might be able to do a better deal with him but I agree it should be legal with all bases covered.

I was in same position.

I decided that my happiness was worth more than the money we could lose and I wanted a fresh start and no ties to him.

You can not trust him. Your ideas are all based on him being honest and wanting the same as you do. Your best interests are no longer aligned.

What if he meets someone and wants to move her in?

Christ knows what impact Brexit will have on house prices and It might be better emotionally and financially, to take a financial hit now but you will need to discuss this with a financial advisor first.

In my case, the house took nearly two years to sell as exh was so awkward. It got to the stage where the courts were going to sign on his behalf as there was a viable offer and he was trying to obstruct it as he didn’t want to sell (even though he couldn’t buy me out.)

I lost a deposit on a house and fees I had paid for searches etc as he prolonged things so long. I ended up having to rent for a year which cost me a fortune.

It was very complicated and cost a lot in solicitors’ fees etc.

I think you should take the financial hit now and then you can be free of the situation and have a fresh start to move on with your life.

You don't want this to be hanging over your head once you've grieved the relationship or you're ready to move on and never want to see him or deal with him again.

Also you don't know what will happen with property prices in a few years! They could drop!

Do not put your trust in someone so dishonest.

It will be hard for you to emotionally move on with the scab ie.house still between you and yet to be finalised.

I would sell, take the hit and kick his sorry ass to touch.

Better you found out now than in a couple of years time. Your friend did you a massive favour and I bet it wasn't easy for her to tell you.

Good luck.

Take legal advice, not advice from the mortgage company.

Who owns the house, and how it is owned, is a matter of the Land Registry record, not who is on the mortgage.