Would I be selfish to leave my husband?

[TayoTheLittleBus]

My girls are 4 and 2. He’s so lazy. We are not a team. There is no one else involved. No abuse. Just simmering resentment. We don’t argue and we front a lot of stuff out for the kids.

I feel like I can’t leave because I think they will be devastated. I don’t want to fuck with their mental health. I don’t want to destroy their home.

My mother in law works with primary school kids and says that anyone who thinks kids can come through a separation unscathed is kidding themselves.

I feel like I probably need to just deal with it. I’ve made my bed haven’t i

They'll be fine
Leave him, don't stay being miserable

Girls who grow up seeing a lazy dad are far more likely to walk into bad relationships that those who have mothers who stand up for them and model good relationships even if that means being single

DD has a best friend who had a lazy father - since separating she is much happier and he has stepped up

and of course your MIL would say that he is her son (and she probably caused some of it)

She doesn’t know anything about this. Neither does he to be honest.

No leave him and tell the mother in law his shitty behaviour and the divorce is her fault. He sounds like an oaf.

So they've got 14-16 years ahead of them living in a bad atmosphere, with hidden resentment, no fun, no laughs. How will that affect them?

Agree that your kids are more likely to end up in a relationship like that if you normalize it and stay. I know parents who are divorced by co-parent successfully but that takes 2 non-lazy parents who live near each other.

If your dd was in your shoes what would you want her to do?

My mother in law works with primary school kids and says that anyone who thinks kids can come through a separation unscathed is kidding themselves.

I left my ex, after 3 decades. My DC have MH issues. But that isn't the result of the separation, it's the result of living with ex. Your MIL may be right to some extent, but how much of the issues are really down to what came befpre the separation, has she ever thought about that?

Leaving was still the best thing for us.

Youre kids are young enough to not remember you together especially the 2 year old. If youre sure split now so it becomes normal for them

They will be far more damaged by a mother who is miserable and enabling a lazy male.

Is that what you want them to see as their 'norm'.

If it was one of your daughters telling you this, what would you tell her to do?

MiL should have made sure her son knew how to pull his weight as a partner not criticise a woman for not continuing to enable him.

It's ok to be selfish and put your happiness and mental health at the top of the list sometimes. It's ok to not want to remain in a relationship which which isn't working for you. Your girls will learn about what is acceptable in a relationship by watching you and your husband.

I'm a teacher and I see far more harm caused by parents who remain together in unhappy relationships.

No leave him and tell the mother in law his shitty behaviour and the divorce is her fault.
How on earth is it his mother's fault? Is there any way women can't be made to blame for men's behaviour.

I think your MIL is correct in one way. A child whose parents are divorcing is definitely going to have to go through an experience which may be difficult at times. But a child living with parents who dislike each other is also going through a difficult experience and won't get through that unscathed either. In an ideal world your dh and you would have a good relationship and your children would live with 2 people modeling a kind decent relationship. But they don't. The question is do you live like this forever for fear of what they will have to cope with if you leave? Or do you manage the separation/divorce so the impact on them is as little as possible.

@TayoTheLittleBus I left my H four months ago. My DC are 4 and 2. It is hard, but I am a million times happier. Still a way to go in terms of divorce but since I left I haven’t questioned my decision at all! My view is that there will be some childhood trauma impact to the DC, but living in the abusive, toxic, unloving, unkind environment we were in would have had a far worse impact on their futures. So far they seem to be coping well. Good luck with whatever you decide. Remember this is your life too xx

2 & 4 is a much better age for them to get over it than 10 & 12 and growning up with. Lazy man child as their role model for a partner will do them no good.

Er, as a child of divorced parents I'm completely fine thanks.

I am also divorced and myself and my ex have done everything we can to make sure DS's needs come first. We have never argued in front of DS, we never say anything bad about each other in front of him. We did absolutely everything ourselves regarding the divorce, child maintenance, contact hours, so there was no need for any court involvement. We co parent amicably.

DS is a very happy child and the fact that we are divorced doesn't even seem to register with him. He was 10 months old when we separated so it's all he's known.

It's not necessarily selfish if its definitely not working - but please give him a heads-up about your resentment and a chance to fix things first. He might fail, but allowing that to happen will make things far less toxic and devastating when you do split than if you announce you've had enough out of the blue.

Also, I'm really starting to think having no arguments isn't healthy. I mean, you don't want to be arguing all the time, true... but no arguments at all just leads to toxic resentment building up which inevitably bursts in a catastrophic manner.

Your MIL probably suspects what he is like to do be married to and is trying to guilt trip you into staying with him. You need to do what is right for you. As others have said, children adjust more easily when very young than when they are that bit older.
Life is too short to be miserable.

I’m the product of divorced parents and am completely unscathed. Children are totally able to cope where both parties are respectful to each other. What can be damaging is the point scoring and shitty undermining behaviour that can happen when either side is bitter about the situation. This is not always overt by the way.... but some people love to say “ look what you’ve done to the children”. It’s hard to predict what it will be like in your case but seems like you should be looking at all possible options before throwing in the towel.

I think for every child saying they are unscathed, there will be one who is scarred by the experience. It’s not the divorce that’s hits them so much, it’s the aftermath. The new boyfriend, the lack of contact, dad gets a new girlfriend who has her own kids. Not every divorce is amicable.

Have you explored every option before you take this one. Have you had the chat? Does he know what’s at stake? Have you thought about counselling?

I promise you. This decision gets no easier as they get older. The younger the better. They will adjust. I wish I'd left when mine were 4 and 2 and never thought to ask where daddy was when he was absent. Now they're 8 and 6, he's a nice guy, but the simmering resentment remains for me and the kids adore him. It's now such a huge decision with bigger impact. If I could speak to me 4 years ago....

If there's no abuse or alcoholism or anything else serious going on, I would suggest you try and have a go at couples councelling before making this big decision. Divorce is traumatic for children and I ding think going through it is not easy for you grown ups either. People can change their ways if they are faced with loosing their family. Obviously if he doesn't, and you've tried your best then it's perfectly reasonable you think about leaving.

Counselling would be a good idea, since it seems you have trouble honestly discussing your problems with each other. I bet there's more causes for your unhappiness than just his laziness.

I knew 2families like this -both women full of resentment at lazy-arse 'dads' who did far more harm than good modelling slovenly,obstructive and unco-operative behaviour..the kids spent more time at our house than their own&in the end one woman had an affair(lasted years)the other woman started drinking..ended up with a bit of a problem.We moved away but kept in touch&the wierd irony is10 years on they both regret not going the single parent route-i was a single parent at the time-advising them to leave&they'd all adjust/be happier but they reckoned it'd be too hard,too lonely,destroy the kids etc..The kids from both familes told their parents over the years they knew their parents hated each other&both women acted totally perplexed to me as though the festering,seething resentment &cold negativity was hard to pick up on..Please just leave-you'll have a ball when you're freed from the thought of years of silent misery&joyless parenting..oh &the massive group of happy sole parents i belong to would readily agree having all gone through vaguely similar experiences.

She doesn’t know anything about this. Neither does he to be honest

At least try telling him? Men can be obtuse.