Would I be selfish to leave my husband?

[TayoTheLittleBus]

My girls are 4 and 2. He’s so lazy. We are not a team. There is no one else involved. No abuse. Just simmering resentment. We don’t argue and we front a lot of stuff out for the kids.

I feel like I can’t leave because I think they will be devastated. I don’t want to fuck with their mental health. I don’t want to destroy their home.

My mother in law works with primary school kids and says that anyone who thinks kids can come through a separation unscathed is kidding themselves.

I feel like I probably need to just deal with it. I’ve made my bed haven’t i

Better sooner rather than later for the kids, my DCs were almost 3 so don’t remember us being together - splitting their time between us is their norm.

My DD was much more affected by the awful atmosphere between her dad and I when we were together. She cried when he moved out, but since then, they have built a better relationship than they ever would have done had he stayed here. She also gets on well with my new boyfriend, and she sees up modelling a healthy, loving, supportive relationship together, which again, she would never have seen if my exH and i had stayed together.

In my opinion you would be selfish beyond belief to break up your family without even discussing it and trying to work on it with your husband.

The fact that he has no idea despite the problems suggests that communication might be an issue.

If you don't love him anymore and there is no hope in reconciling then of course you have to do what you have to do but it might be worth taking a look in the mirror as well as at your husband.

^^ 👍👍
This

I left my DH when my DS was 11, now that was a terrible age to leave. 4 and 2 is so much better, and as long as you and your DH handle things in the right way they will be unscathed.

You know other people can come out with such crap. My grandmother told me when I was divorcing in my late 20’s, — ‘I can’t understand you, he doesn’t hit you and he works hard’. Clearly some very low relationship barriers with some folks.

I was a child of divorced parents, think I was 5 or 6 when they split. I remember my mum sitting me down to tell me when I came home from school. I cried, but I also felt an overwhelming sense of relief - they thought we didn’t know they were unhappy, but we did of course. Kids are sponges, they pick up on everything.

The divorce didn’t damage me, but my useless excuse for a father did. I’m just thankful I didn’t grown up in the same house as him.

I'm sure your mother in law knows what her son is like.

Leave, enjoy your life. This marriage is no good for you or your children.

I am the one for saving marriage if possible at all, but could honestly say my DC are unaffected by my split up 3 years ago. They were 8 and 5 at the time. My older had picked up that daddy doesn't do anything at home and my DC1 said, when he is grown up, he will do everything for his wife. That saddened me to tears. It was really bad role model and I didn't want DC to think this was normal.

You've got 2 girls, you OWE it to them to show them a positive, healthy relationship, where both parties contribute equally.

How would you feel if either of your girls grow up being a skivvy to their partner because that's what you've taught them women do?

Stand up for yourself, either get him to be a proper partner & father or kick him out. You & your girls deserve better, do it for them if you can't do it for yourself.

Stop facilitating his laziness and see what happens. Definitely don't continue to seeth. Resentment is toxic and really won't end well but at least if you give him the chance to step up you & the rest of the family will know you have it a go. I speak from similar experience. I put up with it for far too long and am much happier now. The kids have adjusted, its all fine but i am glad i know that i gave it my best shot. Good luck.

I'm another one affected by my parents staying together. While my parents did and do still ultimately love other, there was a lot of toxicity and borderline abuse, including directed at me, horrible arguments and I spent a lot of my childhood feeling totally out of control and unhappy. It has massively affected me as an adult and I am basically unable to have a healthy relationship because of what I internalized as normal.

These problems are still going on even now, I've been out of the house for two decades but it's still hard to deal with. They are at a point again where they have come close to splitting and my mum said recently she didn't want to ruin mine and my brother's model of marriage and I had to stop myself from laughing out loud. I wish she had left years ago, I think it would have been much better all round.

OP how are you doing?

4 and 2.
The physical and practical stuff will be hard at that age, but a breeze compared to dealing with the emotional fallout that ensues if you leave it till they are older. Recently battle-scarred.

As others have asked has your mother in law not considered that the damage may be done before the split rather than after?

Your home is already a 'broken home', not much you can do about that, staying together won't stop them from being affected. If you want them to grow up in a happy home then splitting is the best option.

Btw, I split with my ex and despite a brief period where my eldest (10 at the time) was angry, everything went well, the kids are VERY happy, adjusted very well and I can't imagine it any other way now. I'm also good friends with my ex, and even better friends with his girlfriend, a modern family!

I know a few mams who split with their partners and the kids all adjusted so well and are happy. Your kids deserve a happy mother, and that is the best example to set for them.

Me and my ex split up when my son was 4 and although it was under completely different circumstances, I have sheilded him from a lot of the negative stuff that his dad directed towards me. We have a fixed arrangement about when he sees him.... And although it was difficult in the beginning, in that my ex was being a complete twat, we never discussed anything in front of my son and I kept him away from it.

My boy is 7 in December and he is settled and happy at school, a happy chatty child who is secure and happy. He regularly sees his dad at the weekend. Accepted pretty early on that mummy has a house and daddy does too.....

My relationship with my ex was absolutely toxic and I'm just glad we didn't stay together (we never would have done to be honest, he screwed up beyond belief, but that a completely different thread entirely!) I think that would have been far worse for him than the situation we are in now.

I think quite often we are encouraged to stay and conditioned to remain " for the sake of the children" but sometimes it's better to be in 2 loving homes instead of one where there's a feeling of unease and tension in the air, I think that can be very damaging in the long run.

It won't be an easy decision OP but you are doing it with the best interest of your children at heart and you can't go far wrong Because you are putting them first. 🌈

They will spend times with their father & he he may have to finally be a grown up.
Your life counts too.