Forgiveness - how much could you/would you give??

[purplepoppet]

..just out of interest really. I'm curious as to other peoples thoughts on this?

I have ready many threads on here where dh's, dw's, partners have been unfaithful, betrayed trust, etc...some have stayed together, some haven't.

Why do some people forgive alot and then there are others that will forgive very little. Is it purely down to love or would it also depend on ones self esteem, character, as to what they would put up with, bury and move on from...iykwim

As I say...just something I have been thinking about and thought I would share

You dont have to forgive to move on just not let the actions of others dictate how you feel.

I am one of those who have stayed with my unfaithful H, i wont pretend it has been easy and i dont expect it to be for a long time. I at first just wanted to 'win' and have the luxury of choice as to whether i would 'keep' him. But actually he has made a huge effort in helping me get past it i have grown to love him again.

It is different though - something has gone forever - but would leaving/kicking him out make ME feel better?

I have choosen to give us another go and i believe that we can have a wonderful life together again.

I have a friend who has cancer and thinking about her helps me put life into perspective a lot. Her life will forever be shadowed by the cancer and what it could have done ect. well i see his affair as a blot that will forever be with us but we are 'fighting' it and we do not want it to beat us.

We both feel that our relationship is worth fighting for not only for us but for our children, family and friends. it also suits us for the time being - but if i wasnt happy about it then i wouldnt stay and put up with it.

We both now feel that we will not take the relationship for granted and actually i want a man like that in my life - so i have to move on and try and see it as his 'mistake'.

It also helps that i see how much it has hurt him too.

if my dh cheated on me then he would be shown the door, simple as that.

i cant understand how so many people can have such little self respect and stay with some man who shagged someone else.

i know that might sound harsh but i know i am worth more than someone who has such little respect for me.

I always said I would never ever forgive an affair.

I forgave H twice when it came down to it really happening to me!

I think that what you think you will do, and what happens when you are faced with that situation, are two entirely different things. Nobody knows how they will react when faced with the prospect of losing the person they love and their dc's parent.

Even good people make mistakes.

I think for me, it is how they then take steps to rectify that mistake which is the key.

(2/3/4 affairs later it's no longer 'a mistake' is it. So even though you may one day forgive. You have to find the self respect to walk away as your partner obviously has no respect for you. That's my situation right now )

a affair is not a mistake, perhaps a 1 night stand could pass for that, but a affair when you are continuing to go and see someone else is diffrent.

you know what you are doing and are choosing to do it

Love is self-esteem and respect.

Affairs are not mistakes. They're conscious decisions - even one-night stands are.

I personally would not forgive an affair but I think that is mainly because I would not be able to move on from it. I am not very secure within myself, never have been, and would constantly worry he would do it again and I don't think that would be a healthy way to live/love.

However, I do understand people who do forgive and stay together after a short fling or one night stand. Sometimes you have to wonder if it is worth throwing away a whole life and everything that goes with it for the sake of a mistake.

If it is an ongoing 'love' affair though and there are more emotions involved then I imagine it would damage your relationship a lot more and be harder to move on.

Forgiveness is so subjective. It is dependent on so very much. I have found that I have have forgiven unacceptable treatment of me in circumstances when, my younger self would have been adamant that I'd never forgive. I don't think being able to forgive people for the 'unforgivable' is about low self esteem necessarily. It can be about so much more besides. I also do not believe that things happen in isolation and therefore I personally believe it is easy to say if x, y or z did x, y or z they'd be out of the door but the reality is there is a shared history, maybe children, other family members, love, & many other things besides to actually take into consideration.

i cant understand why you would stay with a cheating partner for the sake of your children, i have 3 dd's and dont want them to grow up thinking that it would be acceptable for some man to cheat on them and then forgive him.

perhaps i am lucky that i grew up surrounded with strong women in my life who would never take this kind of crap.

Baffy is right - until you are faced with it you just dont know what you would do - all the thinking in the world would do no good.

Also yes an ongoing affair is not a mistake we all have choices to make every day that affect others.

I think i have suffered with low self esteem and i dont think i am any different to anyone else in that i do still doubt myself sometimes.

He has done this and not matter how far i take myself away from him i cannot change what has happened.

I can live with bitterness about it how it changed my life for the worse ect.
There are plently of stories of how people move on and have fantastic lives. Why cant people believe that i can still have a fantastic life with him after this awful event.

Yes it has changed me in a lot of ways but please dont judge others by your own beliefs of what you would do. I am happy with my life, mostly happy with myself and certainly happy with H who is now supporting me in becoming completly happy with myself. I am not sure there is another man who would understand me in the same way - with all this baggage!!

Sorry take this kind of crap - i am a strong woman who is teaching my children that life will challenge them in many areas - walking out on something/someone you have worked hard for sounds like the easy option to me. When the going gets tough ......

I will not put up with it again but i believe it will not happen again as i am sure many of you in happy marriages do. If you thought it a possibility then you should go.

I really take offence that i am in some way weaker for not kicking him out.

Sorry to go on but i have to go out soon.

I pity those who have already made their minds up on what would happen if...... happened.

We all continue to grow and get to know ourselves each day. How sad to have such set rules to live by and for others around to have to live up to.

I want people to accept me for me - mistakes, regrets and all.

I think forgiveness is the easy bit - my ex-DH had an affair and in our circumstances we had both been very unhappy for a long time so I could understand why it happened. The difficult thing for me was forgetting - I couldn't get the thought of it out of my head, and we split up 6 months or so later.

I think this thread is already demonstrating how different we all are. I think it is very hard to know what you would do if you are not faced with it.
Hurtwife, I think you have taken your H back for the right reasons and it has made your relationship much better. It sounds like you both appreciate each other much more.
I do think though that there are people who stay together for the wrong reasons and perhaps that would not work as well. Staying together because it is what you want is a very positive thing, it is when you stay together for the sake of children and other people that it may not be.

hurtwife - I don't have any personal experience of this, but I would have thought that in many ways it is stronger to do what you have done, rather than weaker.

For some people, though, hurtwife, they feel the marriage is void if there is cheating, because the other partner has broken their marriage vows to be faithful, love, honour and cherish.

I'm not saying that applies to all, but that it does for some people.

Hence, they don't feel THEY are the one walking out on the marriage, because the cheating spouse already did that when he/she decided to break the vows by shagging someone else. In other words, the cheating person already threw in the towel when they decided to cheat instead of confronting the problems in their marriage.

It's different for everyone and every situation.

But that's how some folks see it.

expats point about the marrage being void sums it up for me, and i think that the easy option would be to stay with the cheating other half and carry on leading your normal life pretending everything will work out ok in the end.

I think it takes great strength to forgive.

And like we've said, everyone is different and you don't know how you'll react until you are faced with it.

But hurtwife hit the nail on the head when she said:

"I will not put up with it again but i believe it will not happen again as i am sure many of you in happy marriages do. If you thought it a possibility then you should go."

That's the most important thing. If you can rebuild the trust and truly believe it won't happen again. Then you can get through it. People can change for the worst. But people can also change for the better. Staying together for the sake of children, or because you believe it's the best you can get, or because you don't know any different, is the weak thing to do.

Forgiving, learning from it, moving on, and rebuilding a new (better) relationship, takes bloody hard work and more strength than you can imagine. And for some people that is the right option.

noddy it is not the easy option
not at all. if you stay 'pretending' to live a normal life and pretending that everything is ok, then perhaps you have a point.

But genuine forgiveness, remorse, counselling, learning from it, changing through your experiences, dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions - that is not easy

noddy we are all different and will never agree on this

but why be so harsh to people who are so obviously dealing with hell in the best way they know how. you do not know me. do not call me a doormat.

you have no idea

DOn't forget that every relationship is different to the extent that monogamy is simply not a big deal to some people. I'd be far more horrified by a partner secretly running up horrendous debts in joint names, or mistreating DCs, or joining some insane survivalist militia behind my back, for instance. Whether or not one forgives any kind of misbehaviour will also depend on how much one has to lose by cutting the person off, how sorry the person is, how likely they will do whatever it was again, etc.
It's not a situation for which you cna set rules for other people. THough having said that, I wouldn't have much respect for anyone who forgave a partner for deliberately hurting their children.

I have to agree that there is no way of knowing how you will react if faced with a cheating partner. I know that I am repeating what has already been said but, I feel it is not constructive to start condemning people for the decisions they have made simply because they differ from what you think you would have done in their position - especially when you don't know all of the particulars.

I hope beyond hope that I am never in the situation to have to make this kind of decision but I also hope that, if I ever am, I will have the strength and support to do what is best for my dd and me.

Good point madamez - I know of 2 couples who have 'open' relationships that work very well for them. One situation means that the H is away for weeks at a time and they both seek other 'comfort' while they are not together. The other involves a H who has 'interesting' needs which the W is not willing to fulfill, so he satisfies them elsewhere.

Neither relationship is what I would call 'normal' but it works for them. We can't all live by the same moral rules - it just doesn't work like that.

good post madamez

totally agree

Noddy - what you have written in your last post is very, very cruel. I find it upsetting that you write something so cold and heartless.