Forgiveness - how much could you/would you give??

[purplepoppet]

..just out of interest really. I'm curious as to other peoples thoughts on this?

I have ready many threads on here where dh's, dw's, partners have been unfaithful, betrayed trust, etc...some have stayed together, some haven't.

Why do some people forgive alot and then there are others that will forgive very little. Is it purely down to love or would it also depend on ones self esteem, character, as to what they would put up with, bury and move on from...iykwim

As I say...just something I have been thinking about and thought I would share

Madamez great post, and also baffy.I dont think calling anyone a doormat is really a very constuctive or kind thing to do.

I completely agree with the fact that until faced with the situation your assumptions of how you would deal with an affair/betrayal etc can vary greatly. I would never have beleived I could move on from it and was adament that if DH ever betrayed me in this way the relationship would be over, no questions, no arguments.

Although there was no sex took place between DH & OW it still rocked my world and made me sick to the stomach. If sex had taken place there would be absolutely no point in continuing with any form of relationship with DH because I could never touch him or allow him to touch me again. I've realised that alot of my problems moving on from what happened was based on 'what if' meaning that if DH & OW hadn't been caught when they were and the relationship had moved on to a sexual one I would seriously want to cause bodily harm to them both.

I don't think for a second that forgiveness of such betrayal has anything to do with low self esteem. It's about personal choice and every one of us is different, what one person excepts as forgiveable another may find unforgivable there can be several factors and it's not always as black and white as we ourselfs or others may try to make out.

I had many mixed emotions of whether to try to move on or not and it wasn't/isn't an easy choice for me. I still have rocky days but on the whole things are improving now steadily. Communication was a major factor with us and since we have finally overcome that we seem to be moving on better now and becoming stronger.

I would never ever ever except another incident like this and if he ever strayed or did anything like this again it would be over, I know the pain now and he realises that if he ever did he had better run far and fast.

I understand monogamy isn't a big deal for some people, but I don't get why some people who are not monogamist choose to be in a relationship. Why not be free and easy and young and free and single and fancy-free and footloose? And all that?

A relationship recovering from an affair can not just move on because one party has forgiven the other. In my situation, after all the crying and shouting was over, we worked through why it had happened, learnt from it, drew a line under it and started afresh. I don't think I did any forgiving, I accepted it (eventually!!) and moved forwards.

UQD: people enter into not-particularly-monogamous couple-relationships for a variety of reasons: to be parents together, to pool their resources - or because they love each other but neither is fussed about monogamy so they agree to each other having flings under certain rules... whatever. People do, after all, enter into monogamous relationships for crap reasons such as the fear of being alone or worrying that other people will think they are abnormal for being single.
Each to their own.