What can I do - husband is so unreasonable and aggressive

[Thismummyneedshelp]

Where to start!, Well firstly I apologise for the rant that I am probably going to be doing, it'll be all over the place and probably not even make sense. Anyway here goes... I am having a nightmare of a time at home. I have two young kids (toddlers at nursery), I work part time and while I am at work my kids are at nursery. My husband isn't working and picks them up and night, I am normally just in shortly after him. He makes all our dinner, including mine, but he is just so unreasonable with me, if he has a hard time with them, its me that gets in when I walk in the door, he insists I take over as he has had enough of their shit!, cant deal with them anymore its about time I took my turn bla bla bla, all the while he is shoving my dinner in front on me moaning, ranting about all the work he has put into it if I don't sit down to it immediately even though he wants me to deal with the kids.

He never sits down with us for meals, more times than not he is drinking, he thinks he has earned the right to that as he has been busy in the house all day, like I do nothing, I go to work, out of the house for 10 hours come home to this, and two tired kids (overtired sometimes) and the barrage of abuse that is coming from him. He thinks he has the hard end of the bargain, when I finish with the kids, getting them to bed, sometimes that could be 9PM, he insists that I take my turn and take the dog out for a walk, as he has had to do it all day, if I tell him I am tired and up at 6am next day as I have work, he screams and balls up at me that I am a lazy fat cow, my kids have started to repeat his language and shout things at me. I try to ignore him but it makes him worse, he gets louder screaming upstairs at me, when kids are in bed I normally go to bed to block it all out, sometimes I do take the dog out just to get away from it all, but if I am too tired I don't back down I just go to bed and ignore him.. It starts again next morning when I have to hurry to get to work, if kids act up, for example telling me they are not wearing what I have put out or don't want to brush teeth etc and I am in a hurry I have to tell him he needs to take over I need to leave for work, I get called all the names under the sun told I shouldn't be a mother, etc etc. I need to go to work why doesn't he understand that. If someone comes to visit I hope and pray that they don't say something that will set him off as its me that has to listen to his rant when they leave.

If I discipline my kids, take toys away, raise my voice /tone then he threatens me that he will record me shouting and will report me to social services, I am not doing anything that any mother wouldn't do, I am raising my voice when I need to , I don't like this but cant have kids ruling me.

Forgot to mention he even brings up things from my past, like me dad being a drinker, not being there for me when I was young, which isn't true he was a drinker but sorted it out and is a great dad now. He twists everything people say and uses things against me, I have even had to delete friends and family's numbers from my phone and change my pin on my phone as he wants to send them messages when he is drunk as he thinks they don't do enough to help us with the kids, (our kids!) both our families are very supportive and help with the kids as much as they can. He sings along to songs on radio and changes the words to insult me it has gotten to the stage there are songs I cannot listen to without hearing his abusive version.

I spend most of my time off work out with the kids as I cannot take being in the house with him. If I arrange something like a day out with friends and their kids he complains we never do anything together although on days were we have no plans, and I ask him to come out with us he laughs in my face, tells me to f**k off and says he needs some time to himself he is knackered as he has the kids all the time, not sure where he gets this from they are at nursery when I am at work. I can't win.

Please help, What can I do, I cant take this much longer but I know if I leave it will upset my kids and also he wont leave us alone? He goes on that he feels ill, this is taking its toll on me I feel ill, help?

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support, I have always known what I have to do all along and feel one step closer now to doing what is necessary for me and my children. Ill be back in touch to let you all know how it is going. x

I just cant muster up the courage to go without being the bitch
He already hates you, so find your inner bitch and do what's best for your kids and you.

@ChimesAtMidnight,
Thank you for the kick up the a**e I have a sore backside today with all the kicks I have had LOL. You are correct he does hate me, under the illusion its because he hates himself - well so he bloody should he deserves to. I will find my inner bitch, making enquires as we speak with Womens Aid, Lawyers etc. I am also going to claim benefits as separated and see if that brings me some more money in that could pay rent for me and the kids while we sort out the house to get us out of there quicker

Thismummyneedshelp
Apologies if I offended / upset you - this wasn't my intention. Just, from where I'm sitting, it would appear that he really doesn't like you and resents you for god-knows-what.
If you lived near me, I'd come round and help you move out.

Start telling people. Your GP, parents, the police (if he kicks off). Build up a paper trail. This will make it easier when you claim custody and ask for supervised access only (because frankly, you can't trust him not to take the kids away). Yes, you do need to find your inner bitch. We get called that when we dare stand up for ourselves, our rights and our children. Do you want to be an obedient dog and roll over for the rest of your life?

Own it. Be the bitch.

@ChimesAtMidnight, you did not offend me at all you were frank and true thanks, I do get it
@TheABC He wouldn't even want the kids, couldn't cope on his own with them. His criminal and mental health record wouldn't give him a hope in hell of getting custody of them either. Not a chance that would happen. I have rolled over too long and taken the shit to keep the peace, but there is no peace, so no more mrs nice girl I will sort this for my kids

The kids will be more upset, and become extremely damaged, by staying in this horrible situation.

Posted too soon. Glad you've found the resolve to get him out of your lives. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

You need to get the best possible outcome for your and your children.

I would phone or email Women’s Aid for up to date advice. You need to keep a diary of abusive/drunk behaviour and report to the police. You do not want this to be his word against yours if he plays silly beggars about custody.

Don't be surprised if this isn't the last kick up the arse you need either OP, I hope you can push on and get rid of him quickly but don't beat yourself up if your resolve weakens at times and it all takes a little longer. Don't ever feel you can't come back here at any point either, we will be here however long it takes.

You have the advantage for now though, you can quietly make your plans while he carries on as he is. Make sure you protect yourself from every angle, particularly wrt who would be perceived as DC's main carer, Women's Aid and Rights of Women are good resources for advice.

I know it's scary (understatement!) but it's short-term scary versus potentially years and years more stuck with him, which I think is probably an infinitely more terrifying thought. Don't waste another 10 or 20 years putting off the inevitable, you sound like you would be ten times happier without him

Echoing other posters - it can often take time, & a few mental / emotional setbacks before many people are able to leave an abusive partner. I put up with over 2 years of escalating mental, emotional, sexual abuse, bullying, gaslighting etc, before I left my XP. And we didn't even officially live together!

Don't beat yourself up if you feel unsure, but keep talking to people (especially in RL) about what's happening. If, God forbid, you need witnesses, you can call on them to back you up. And definitely log any specific incidents with the police, doctor, etc.

Your children will be better off not living in the awful environment you’ve described op.
Sometimes it’s better to have separated parents than parents together where one is treating the other so badly.
Your partner sounds horrible, and even if he is stressed/depressed/has an ill mother, he shouldn’t be doing those things to you!

Start recording his behaviour, drinking & language, if necessary a very discrete nannycam type thing, that shows dates etc. It'll put another nail in the coffin of him even trying to gain custody/access or being seen as the primary care-giver.

You need to find the strength to leave him. If he continues the abuse, take out a restraining order.

This is no way to live.

The best way forward would be to find him a rented flat to live in or if his mother's house is big enough he could go and 'look after her' if he is so worried about her.

I hope you can find the physical and emotional energy to get rid of this awful man. Getting your life back for yours and the DCs sake is your main priority.

He sounds like a hot mess! What do you need him for OP. Can you find a way to kick him out. You shouldn't have to be the one to leave.

His Mum doesn’t have the space for him. He refuses to go unless I get a lawyers letter telling him to go and his money! I want to buy him out but need to be officially separated in order to claim benefits
To show as income in order to get the right amount of y I need

Should have read in order to get the right amount of mortgage I need.

Growing up in a toxic household is hugely damaging for children and can have a lifelong detrimental effect on their mental health. You need to get them away from this abusive arsehole now before it is too late.

This is the stuff WA and Rights of Women can help you figure out OP, you need proper advice about how to get out/get him out safely.

Thank you all for your words of support yesterday and spurring me on. This was really helpful. He was just the usual asshole when I went home last night, poor wee me these kids are hard work etc etc.

I got home, reluctantly ate the dinner he made, got the kids bathed and into bed, no easy task when they are bouncing off the walls. By 9pm I was in my room (yes my room he moved into the spare room months ago).Saying he didn’t go to sleep until late and didn’t want to keep me up, some days that is his excuse, but mostly he says it is because he cant stand me, I know that is true, but I also know it is because he tried to hide his boozing.
Much to his annoyance I didn’t really speak to him at all other than when I had to. He banged about downstairs so I was aware he was doing the washing, tidying up etc, I chose not to let him bother me. He could do the washing today, when we are all out!
So I went to bed, looking up Women’s aid etc and trying to gather my next steps together. Today not as calm though, Usual morning chaos with two toddlers. I don’t want to sit here, I wanted that seat, I don’t like these socks, I want this cereal etc and this was enough to start him again, can’t you control your kids what the fuck is the problem with them, why aren’t you ready (I was almost) I got one of them ready and you cant even deal with one child, you are a fucking joke. Call yourself a mother.
I ignored him, carried on and got on with the task in hand getting them ready to go and getting out to work. Just about to leave the house, and he kicks off that he will take me to work, needs a hand getting them to nursery, told him I need to go I have a train to catch, wants to know why I need to get the train when he can take me. I told him I have a ticket and don’t see the point in wasting money on petrol which we don’t have! He was just being awkward, didn’t need a hand the nursery is 5 minutes away and kids go in no problem.

So I said bye to the kids and was just about to walk out the door to run and catch the train, well I thought I was going and he walked right past me and said you can’t go anywhere if I walk out and leave you with the kids, and so he did. Meaning I would miss my train, I called his bluff, got the kids in the car and told him I was taking them to nursery and taking car to work, he wasn’t making me late for work, he wouldn’t be telling me when I can and cannot go to work.

He made a total arse of himself as he knew I was serious, and got in the car, told me I was coming with him to the nursery, I said I was getting the train, end of, so I did, I made him drop me at the station and managed to catch the train. Sorry for the long rant, just feels better getting it all out. He still thinks he is the hard done by one, he said I have no idea what it feels like to be him, the stresses he has and he knows I don’t want him there, to which I said yes, that’s true I don’t want to live with a 24/7 fucking abuser and told him I want him to go. He will ignore this, thinks I am not serious but I definitely am.

your life will be so much better when you are finally rid of him. This is such a hard part, OP, when you are trying to get him out, but it will be worth it.

Keep going--remember every time he calls you a bitch or anything else nasty, that's really him saying it about himself. Everything coming out of his mouth is crap. Avoiding talking to him as much as possible sounds like a great plan.

Do you think he might become physically violent?

Do you think there is a risk he might drain your bank account or run up debt? Do you have any separate money for emergencies?

Definitely talk to Women's Aid and find a solicitor who is experienced.

Good luck, you are doing the right thing.

Wow this sounds so awful OP. Please, please get away from him.

Thanks for your words of support. I am going to speak to Womens aid and see if they have best solicitor to put me in touch with. Plan to ignore him all weekend. @CousinKrispy He wouldn't be able to drain my account, no money in it what comes in goes out, he also doesn't have a card just named for insurance reasons ie so we can both get AA cover etc as its part of the account type I have. He couldn't run up debt wouldn't even know how to, too busy being a prick and full of his self importance. Also really don't think he would ever get violent as he knows he would be in the jail before he got a second chance at it. I have got family so not too worried about money for emergencies always have them to help me. He has no friends or anyone to go to other than his mum and dads but with her being ill they wouldn't entertain him, best thing for all is to get the mortgage give him what I think is fair(obviously need to go through solicitor) and he moves out. Not that I expect that to be the end of it, don't think he will go quietly

Good, those are very positive things for your safety. I know it's still not easy (I know what you mean about "he won't go quietly") but if his power to harm you is limited that's some help. I know it's tough, keep asking for help from everyone who is in your corner--family, colleagues, women's aid, mumsnet.