What can I do - husband is so unreasonable and aggressive

[Thismummyneedshelp]

Where to start!, Well firstly I apologise for the rant that I am probably going to be doing, it'll be all over the place and probably not even make sense. Anyway here goes... I am having a nightmare of a time at home. I have two young kids (toddlers at nursery), I work part time and while I am at work my kids are at nursery. My husband isn't working and picks them up and night, I am normally just in shortly after him. He makes all our dinner, including mine, but he is just so unreasonable with me, if he has a hard time with them, its me that gets in when I walk in the door, he insists I take over as he has had enough of their shit!, cant deal with them anymore its about time I took my turn bla bla bla, all the while he is shoving my dinner in front on me moaning, ranting about all the work he has put into it if I don't sit down to it immediately even though he wants me to deal with the kids.

He never sits down with us for meals, more times than not he is drinking, he thinks he has earned the right to that as he has been busy in the house all day, like I do nothing, I go to work, out of the house for 10 hours come home to this, and two tired kids (overtired sometimes) and the barrage of abuse that is coming from him. He thinks he has the hard end of the bargain, when I finish with the kids, getting them to bed, sometimes that could be 9PM, he insists that I take my turn and take the dog out for a walk, as he has had to do it all day, if I tell him I am tired and up at 6am next day as I have work, he screams and balls up at me that I am a lazy fat cow, my kids have started to repeat his language and shout things at me. I try to ignore him but it makes him worse, he gets louder screaming upstairs at me, when kids are in bed I normally go to bed to block it all out, sometimes I do take the dog out just to get away from it all, but if I am too tired I don't back down I just go to bed and ignore him.. It starts again next morning when I have to hurry to get to work, if kids act up, for example telling me they are not wearing what I have put out or don't want to brush teeth etc and I am in a hurry I have to tell him he needs to take over I need to leave for work, I get called all the names under the sun told I shouldn't be a mother, etc etc. I need to go to work why doesn't he understand that. If someone comes to visit I hope and pray that they don't say something that will set him off as its me that has to listen to his rant when they leave.

If I discipline my kids, take toys away, raise my voice /tone then he threatens me that he will record me shouting and will report me to social services, I am not doing anything that any mother wouldn't do, I am raising my voice when I need to , I don't like this but cant have kids ruling me.

Forgot to mention he even brings up things from my past, like me dad being a drinker, not being there for me when I was young, which isn't true he was a drinker but sorted it out and is a great dad now. He twists everything people say and uses things against me, I have even had to delete friends and family's numbers from my phone and change my pin on my phone as he wants to send them messages when he is drunk as he thinks they don't do enough to help us with the kids, (our kids!) both our families are very supportive and help with the kids as much as they can. He sings along to songs on radio and changes the words to insult me it has gotten to the stage there are songs I cannot listen to without hearing his abusive version.

I spend most of my time off work out with the kids as I cannot take being in the house with him. If I arrange something like a day out with friends and their kids he complains we never do anything together although on days were we have no plans, and I ask him to come out with us he laughs in my face, tells me to f**k off and says he needs some time to himself he is knackered as he has the kids all the time, not sure where he gets this from they are at nursery when I am at work. I can't win.

Please help, What can I do, I cant take this much longer but I know if I leave it will upset my kids and also he wont leave us alone? He goes on that he feels ill, this is taking its toll on me I feel ill, help?

We own the home. Previously he said he would leave if I gave him enough money to do so, I have spoken with Lawyers, mortgage advisers and my bank and have been given the advice required, I could buy him out and probably would actually be better off. That's all easier said than done as I know he wont walk away without a fight and I don't have the energy for that or want my kids to see it

I had to end a relationship and my ex was a controlling nasty bastard. I tried 3 times to get him to leave. First time he stepped up on the niceness and love bombed me into trying again. Second time he refused to leave and just carried on as if I hadn’t said anything. Third time I didn’t do it on my own. I planned it, packed all his stuff when he was out of the house and had my dad there. He went without a fight. He felt he could intimidate and control me but that didn’t work when there was an audience. So dc to mums house, male family with you to support you. I didn’t give any prior warning as he had enough relatives and friends to sofa surf. That may seem cruel but he would never have gone otherwise.

I didn’t cry once, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and my mental health improved no end.

Get him out and then sort out the mortgage. Living together under the same roof after you have ended the relationship will not work.

That sounds horrible, op. I'd be off, honestly, I couldn't live in a stressful environment that I had a choice to change. I'd be out of there with the kids, start again. Of course, this is easy to say and hard to do irl, but you only get one life. Don't live it like this.

💐💐💐💐💐💐

You really can't continue like this can you? The toxic atmosphere is very unhealthy and damaging for your DC. Please kick him out - do it for your children.

I am the one who pays all the bills have all the important documents and the only one with an income. The tax credits and child benefit is also paid to me, he is joint account holder but I can get this changed if I want. I think that the only option I really have to is to go to a lawyer and try and get him to agree to sign the house over to me to allow me to mortgage it on my own and pay him enough to buy himself a house. Also the comments on becoming an alcoholic, cant be closer to the truth he drinks almost every day. Vodka at 5pm as he thinks he deserves this as he has cleaned the house all day, cooked dinners, made lunches etc.

He is destroying me and my beautiful kids, believe it or not we went through hell to get these kids he had various rounds of failed IFV cycles that didn't help with his depression but I held it together and it was my body it happened to. so why the f**k couldn't he, He uses everything as an excuse

I am the one who pays all the bills have all the important documents and the only one with an income. The tax credits and child benefit is also paid to me, he is joint account holder but I can get this changed if I want. I think that the only option I really have to is to go to a lawyer and try and get him to agree to sign the house over to me to allow me to mortgage it on my own and pay him enough to buy himself a house. Also the comments on becoming an alcoholic, cant be closer to the truth he drinks almost every day. Vodka at 5pm as he thinks he deserves this as he has cleaned the house all day, cooked dinners, made lunches etc.

He is destroying me and my beautiful kids, believe it or not we went through hell to get these kids we had various rounds of failed IFV cycles that didn't help with his depression but I held it together and it was my body it happened to. so why the f**k couldn't he, He uses everything as an excuse

You need to report his abuse otherwise he can claim to be the primary caregiver and get custody.

I think you are amazing and much much stronger than you think. He has worn you down and eroded your confidence. You've been doing everything at home as well as proactive with going to bank, mortgage people etc; not walking the dog if you're too tired and you don't put up with the kids' not respecting you. You sound clear headed and like you will cope well with what you have to do even if you feel you haven't got the stomach for a fight. Go! You have absolutely everything to gain and only a complete and utter little-man-shit to lose. I read through after your reference to him balling his fists expecting you to then outline an incidence of physical violence and was surprised not to see one...? Does he lash out at the kids? Maybe it has happened already but I don't think it will be long before that happens Go as soon as you can plan it safely - perhaps record some of his abuse on your phone? and by this time next year you will be in a much better place.

I think you need to leave and reading your updates I can see you know that too. Don’t feel guilty about your children; it will be worse on them to grow up in a home with him behaving this way and you being so miserable by it.
Talk to your family, tell them the truth and get your ducks in a line to leave. I think you need to also make peace with the fact that he will blame you and paint himself as the victim; you need to try and detach from that as you won’t be able to change it. You know the truth and what he thinks about the breakdown of your relationship isn’t important

Op - your life sounds just like mine was. Although he worked, he resented every minute of it and any call on his time to help with family life was met with aggression and cries of how unfair it all was. Name calling, throwing things, utter self absorption. I used to go out all weekend just to get away from him too. I finally threw his nasty little arse out and life is calm, respectful and I look forward to coming home every day. I have had to resign myself to the fact that I spent significant years of my life in this hell and I regret it so much. I will carry a little bit of anger and sadness with me always because of it. Don't be like me, please.

Oh and the guilt for what my kids went through. End it now - it's going to happen eventually. The sooner you do it the sooner you can start living instead of existing in a constant state of crisis management. There is a better life waiting for you, believe me. Go and take it for yourself and your children.

@Frizzbeol I did have a night where he wasn't in the house a few weeks ago and it was the best night I have had in ages, I enjoyed the bedtime routine with the kids, got all the things done I wanted to, tidying up etc, not anything for myself. and I loved every minute of it. I felt like I could breathe. I do know what I have to do its just getting the time/energy to set the wheels in motion and knowing I can cope in the dark times in between deciding to move on and actually getting through the other end of it

He even complains that he has to 'watch the kids' when I go to medical appointments, I have been advised to go to the fitness classes to help with my post baby body issues, need to build my core up again and he complains that I always get time to myself and he never gets any time, even though he has the whole house to himself when we are at work and nursery, he believes that as he is busy in the house, he isn't actually getting a rest! like I am

He sounds absolutely awful-very part of your life would be better without him in it.

I don’t understand how he justifies being at home and not working when the kids are at nursery-what does he actually say when you point this out?

I would tell him that you want a divorce and want him to move out.

@fedup21 He thinks he works very hard at home, which I don't doubt but that this life, I work and he 'runs the house' he does the shopping, cooking and majority of the cleaning, I do my bit when I can its not like I am sitting on my backside all day and then do nothing at night, I have the kids and look after them and help with the housework when I have the time. The days I am not at work I am with the kids and always trying to find something outside to do as I cant stand being in the house with him as he is such a control freak. I have said I want him to move out but it just fuels him more, he says get me my money (his share of the house) and he'll go, but he is acting like such a spoilt child I know he wont go quietly.

and his mum is Ill and going to be going through a big operation and he throws this at me, this is upsetting him and bringing back his depression I should support him more etc etc, I do support him but cant when he treats me like dirt

Then take him at his word. A friend of mine recently had to remove her DH from the mortgage and remortgage in her name. She had to get a separation document from a solicitor and then applied for her mortgage Her ex has now moved out into rented accommodation. He didn’t take a lump sum because they have 2 kids and he is able to work extra hours and is due an inheritance when probate comes through. Just start the ball rolling and get an agreement in principle.

Then it’ll be too close to Xmas, or the dc birthdays, or something else will crop up. There will always be a reason for him to say he’s stressed or it’s not the right time.

Sorry but him being out of work for years, depression etc as a reason for not currently working is a pile of crap. My DH lost his job due to MH issues (& crappy work environment), was unemployed for several years, partly due to various health issues, & partly due to all his previous employers having gone bust or closed (so absolutely no references). I went back to work ASAP after DD was born, he stayed home. Following 2 major surgeries, he started volunteering to start back into work, a couple of years ago. He's now retraining & has been in paid (albeit part-time) employment for the last year. When fully trained he should be able to get a f/t job.

Your husband, OTOH, sounds lazy, abusive, selfish & a poor role model for your DCs.

You will manage financially. If you can do it with his "contribution", i.e. zero, you can do it without. You just need to work out how to get there. Personally, I'd start by getting all documents together & if possible, store them at a friend or family member's house. Just in case he gets difficult.

That's all easier said than done as I know he wont walk away without a fight and I don't have the energy for that or want my kids to see it

But think of the damage he is doing to the kids (and you) day in, day out. Think of it as short term hell for long term benefit for them. Be strong OP, we're all here supporting you.

His children are using his share of the house. He can have it when they don't need it.

Seriously, can you consult a lawyer? Apparently some offer the first half hour free. The CAB may be able to help, as well, although you'll likely need to wait for an appointment.

OP please ask your parents for help. Would you want to know and help if one of your DC was in an abusive marriage?

OP, reading your post made me cry you and your children deserve so much more than living in this daily nightmare.

It sounds like you want to leave and you will be fine financially but you feel guilty leaving. Please don't feel guilty. You need to put your children first. They are still young but if you stay with this man they will be damaged for the rest of their lives. My parents had a toxic relationship and I spent every day wishing they would just get divorced. You need to be strong for your children and leave.

There are some really crap partners around. You certainly do not need this man in your life - and nor do your children. Go for their sake, if not for your own.