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Original poster

Money- how can I make him see sense?

48 replies

strawberrylancesforever · 01/08/2019 11:01

I've been with my partner for a long time and we've lived together for five years. He's not great with money generally, and doesn't like to work many hours as he says it affects his depression and anxiety.

I pay the mortgage and all bills at the moment. He doesn't contribute to joint expenses but uses what he earns to pay for personal expenses, like his cigarettes. On one level, I reason that I can (just) afford to pay for it all, so it's okay. But on bad days, the resentment that a grown man isn't paying his way gets to me.

A few days ago, he asked to borrow £1000 from me, as he was due payment from three different freelance jobs, but they hadn't come through yet. He said he'll pay me back. Then this morning, he's asked me to collect something for him from PC World- I said fine, then saw what he's bought. It's a computer game accessory kit that costs £200.

When I questioned why he was buying entirely unnecessary, expensive equipment, he just shrugged. When I asked when he was repaying me, he again just shrugged and said 'When I get paid.'

I don't know what else to do and feel like I'm the one being unreasonable and selfish for not sharing the money I earn freely with him.

OP posts:
cupoftea84 · 01/08/2019 11:04

You need a serious chat with him. If he can afford £200 on games stuff he can pay his way.
Could you live separately but stay together for a bit to rebalance things? Maybe ask him to move out for period of time?

snitzelvoncrumb · 01/08/2019 11:04

You divide everything in half and make him pay his way. Don't give him a choice.

Powerplant · 01/08/2019 11:08

Is he a man or a child? Hope he’s getting help for his anxiety/depression but please try to be more assertive with him it’s so unfair on you.

Original poster
strawberrylancesforever · 01/08/2019 11:08

@cupoftea84, his only option for moving out would be his parents. He's nearly 50, so I doubt that would go down well... It's one of the reasons I'm reluctant to rock the boat, because he has nowhere to go. I can't afford to cover the bills here AND move out to live elsewhere.

@snitzelvoncrumb, what if he doesn't have the money?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 01/08/2019 11:11

Why are you putting up with this? He’s got it made, you pay all the bills, he doesn’t work many hours because it makes him depressed Hmm and now he wants to borrow money off you.

I assume he does all the housework, cooking etc whilst you are out working? (Not).

What exactly do you get out of this relationship? Show him the door.

LittleDoll · 01/08/2019 11:11

If he doesnt have the money he needs to work more. He is playing you like a fiddle.

HypatiaCade · 01/08/2019 11:12

You can't make him see sense, because up until now he hasn't had to. When has he ever had to face the responsibility of his actions? He doesn't work and earn, you cover the bills. He has no money, you lend him some. He's almost 50, time for him to grow up.

Sorry, but the only way he's going to see sense is if you boot him out. I'll bet you'll find you have a lot more money when you do. Single person council tax reduction, less food, less 'frittering' of money, lower utilities, and probably less 'going out' costs (because I'm guessing you cover more than half of those too).

Ragwort · 01/08/2019 11:12

Nearly 50!!!! I assumed he was just out of uni perhaps and ‘finding his feet’. Just send him back to his parents, it S not your problem that at age 50 he hasn’t managed to sort out a home for himself.

You must be mad to put up with this.

IncrediblySadToo · 01/08/2019 11:13

WTF?

Most of us would prefer to work & have someone else pay the bills, but that’s not how life as an adult works!

It’s not your problem if he goes back to his parents it’s his/theirs

Buying £200 worth of toys when you use someone £1000 and they’re already fully supporting you us massively taking the piss

More fool you if you keep putting up with this

CruellaFeinberg · 01/08/2019 11:14

his only option for moving out would be his parents. He's nearly 50, so I doubt that would go down well... It's one of the reasons I'm reluctant to rock the boat, because he has nowhere to go.

if he cant afford to move out, or contribute, I would say you need to tell him that he either starts paying his way (properly) or does indeed fuck off to his parents - being unable to work is one thing, borrowing £1000 and buying a game thing is not

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 01/08/2019 11:15

Fucking hell! Supreme cocklodger in residence! He’s done fine work on you OP.

Cut him loose!

Goodnightjude1 · 01/08/2019 11:17

He’s only getting away with this because you are allowing it.

Divide all the bills in half and tell him to pay his way or find somewhere else to live.

You are not his mother.

Iamthewombat · 01/08/2019 11:19

Sponger alert. I, too, assumed that he was in his twenties.

There are better men out there.

cupoftea84 · 01/08/2019 11:26

Strawberry I worry that if you don't take this chance to sort it out it'll just escalate. He only needed to borrow £800. You've not only collected his games stuff but paid for it. You're housing, feeding and paying for his fun. How is he paying you back? I doubt he will or it'll become a cycle of borrowing.
Decide what your boundaries are and set them.

ukgift2016 · 01/08/2019 11:28

Shocking you are allowing this man to take advantage of you. No wonder he has no respect for you.

Ounce · 01/08/2019 11:29

Fuck me.

Just when you think you've heard it all.

OP - this man despises you, can't you see that? You're basically a cash machine that moans a bit.

Original poster
strawberrylancesforever · 01/08/2019 11:34

Thank you, everyone

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 01/08/2019 11:37

Get rid of him- he is not contributing.

newmomof1 · 01/08/2019 11:38

You pay for everything and do the majority of the housework? Wow!

Your worry is about him affording things - tell him you want a percentage of his monthly income.
Whose name is the property in?

Missingstreetlife · 01/08/2019 11:40

Your being a mug. If he is on low income he can get housing benefit, tax credit etc and rent a room. If not he can afford to pay you for bills and food and small rent towards upkeep. I hope he not on the mortgage. If so you need to get your contribution recognised (legal advice). He must have something special in his pants or why do you put up with him

Sianlouise432 · 01/08/2019 11:42

Wait to get the payment back and then come down hard on him. The money you spend on paying for his food? Use it to buy yourself nice things or eat out a lot. Have your dinner at the supermarket and expect him to source his own food with his own money. Don't lend him anything. Best case scenario he gets off his arse and works a bit more, worst case scenario he gets mad at you for being 'selfish' with your own money, then what does that tell you? Seriously this entire situation I have lived through my parents. They split after 25 years because of it and just like my mum, you too will get to the end of your tether.

Original poster
strawberrylancesforever · 01/08/2019 11:45

@newmomof1 That is another complication. We bought the house together, 50/50 split, but he put down £100k as a deposit. So his money is locked into the house. It's one of the reasons I've paid everything for so long.

Now, if we split up, the house will have to be sold. I can't buy him out. He can't afford to live here on his own. He didn't want to protect the deposit when we bought together, and said that it would be half mine regardless. Whether he still feels that way, I'm not sure.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 01/08/2019 11:45

He washes up every few days, does the recycling and the garden

Gardener and cleaner would cost you less than this man child.

Is it your mortgage or shared?

AiryFairyMum · 01/08/2019 11:45

Either he pays his way or he leaves.

LemonBreeland · 01/08/2019 11:47

*Why are you putting up with this? He’s got it made, you pay all the bills, he doesn’t work many hours because it makes him depressed hmm and now he wants to borrow money off you.

I assume he does all the housework, cooking etc whilst you are out working? (Not).

What exactly do you get out of this relationship? Show him the door.*

This What are his good qualities? He must be a great shag!