Money- how can I make him see sense?

[strawberrylancesforever]

I've been with my partner for a long time and we've lived together for five years. He's not great with money generally, and doesn't like to work many hours as he says it affects his depression and anxiety.

I pay the mortgage and all bills at the moment. He doesn't contribute to joint expenses but uses what he earns to pay for personal expenses, like his cigarettes. On one level, I reason that I can (just) afford to pay for it all, so it's okay. But on bad days, the resentment that a grown man isn't paying his way gets to me.

A few days ago, he asked to borrow £1000 from me, as he was due payment from three different freelance jobs, but they hadn't come through yet. He said he'll pay me back. Then this morning, he's asked me to collect something for him from PC World- I said fine, then saw what he's bought. It's a computer game accessory kit that costs £200.

When I questioned why he was buying entirely unnecessary, expensive equipment, he just shrugged. When I asked when he was repaying me, he again just shrugged and said 'When I get paid.'

I don't know what else to do and feel like I'm the one being unreasonable and selfish for not sharing the money I earn freely with him.

Well the 100k deposit puts a slightly different spin on you paying the mortgage and bills, but it can’t go on like that forever!

He needs to be able to pay his own way and contribute to your joint expenses. If he resents that then you should look at splitting up, IMO.

If you don’t feel right about taking 50% of his 100k you could work out what you’ve paid in to date in mortgage and bills and offset the deposit against that. I assume you’d still have equity to divide if you sold up?

Bloody hell, even when he was contributing; it was a third of your joint expenses?!

Nah. I'm self employed. It's a pain waiting for money to come in, especially if it's paid late, but I balance my cash flow to be aware of this. On the one occasion I have ever asked my fiancé to cover anything for me; I paid him back first, as soon as I had any money. Not after a computer game or any other bollocks. He's absolutely taking the piss.

Maybe going back to his parents for a week or so would make him realise that he wants to live like an adult; and therefore needs to contribute like one?

If he wants to live like a child and have someone pay everything for him, he's best doing that at home with his parents.

Mum and entitled teen dynamics aren’t a good thing, especially when he isn’t a teen. This is going nowhere fast.

@strawberrylancesforever Just end the relationship and sell the house.
Get legal advice and financial today, I know you may not want to rock the boat and selling up and moving would be difficult but eventually living with him will grind you down and you cannot put a price on your emotional and mental health. It will be a relief to not have to carry the burden of him any more.

Ah the old I have depression but managing my games console is more important than managing my life... Ltb.
His dm can have him back..

Wow OP - how on earth have you got yourself into this situation?
Get estate agents round and get the property valued.
He easily owes you half of his £100K any way so don't feel bad about that.
Sell up. Split equity and go your separate ways.
So he has to move in with his parents at 50! Shrug!!!
That's his lookout.
Stop enabling this manchild.
What does he bring to the table?
He certainly doesn't do his fair share of chores.
Does he have a gold plated diamond encrusted cock????

I had one of these. only worse because he didn't even pay for his personal spending.
You cant 'make him see'
He 'sees' perfectly well that this is totally unfair.
But he doesn't care.
Why would he. its all on tap for him.
Get tough or get rid.
My advice would be the latter.

You’ve earned more than half the bloody deposit by paying all the bills!! I am baffled why are you putting up with this? I’m actually angry for you

you are a mug, sorry, IMHO so going to work is depressing, er, many people would say the same.
Please stop providing for this leach.
If it means selling the house, sell it.

He used to contribute £600 a month, which is about a third of the joint expenses, and I would be happy to go back to that. And he does do some stuff around the house, but the majority of cooking and cleaning is done by me.

If you're happy with that, then crack on. Nothing we can say will make you see sense.

Christ I give me partner a third of the Bill's, but we are a few months into starting from scratch and we both knew we both had very little. I also do a massive amount of work around the house. He cant keep riding on the deposit excuse forever. If 600 a month is a third of your expenses you've been paying 1200 a month for five years without counting however long that stopped.

I'm sorry OP but he is making excuses and you are enabling him.

My partner and I are both really mentally unwell. We both have more than one fully developed personality. We are both manic/depressive.

He still holds down a job and I still earn money from home aswell as doing all of the decorating. Anything I can physically do by myself I do and then on his days off we do the two person jobs. I was nearly sectioned on Monday afternoon and I was back working the next day.

His "depression" is just a hook hes got you on. It's a get out of jail free card.

Sorry to be blunt but you need to raise your standards.

So he can put down a deposit, pay nothing and live rent free and he'll still walk away with 50% no wonder you resent him.

He's living rent free with no bills AND gets half of everything you've paid over the time you've lived together!! Fuck me, he's getting a double whammy. You might as well take your money, pay everything and give him another 50% if everything you earn. Tell him to bugger off back to his mum's, sell the house, give him back his 100k and tell him any extra equity you'll keep in payment for paying for everything over the years

Why do you think you deserve a cocklodger in your life? So you pay all the bills and he still doesn't have cash in hand for his toys and yet you "loan" it to him? Well a fool and his money are soon parted

Why do you think you deserve a cocklodger in your life? So you pay all the bills and he still doesn't have cash in hand for his toys and yet you "loan" it to him? Well a fool and his money are soon parted

Honestly I'd sell up and give him back his 100k minus all the 1/2 of costs his not paid you. Go and rent or buy your own place and get rid of this cocklodging special snowflake who won't pay his share or work full time.

Time to make some tough decisions
Seems to me he feels doesn’t have to do or pay towards anything because of his £100k deposit

If he had purchased a place on his own he’d still have to pay bills!

Take the £200 game back for starters and get a refund

Massive dripfeed op! Can you buy him out (or vice versa) by xtending mortgage, getting a lodger? Or if you want to stay together have a serious chat about what his money has bought him and for how long. Work out the proportion of the house he has paid for, what you have paid for and what is fair going forward. If he has genuine problems you can agree uneven split if you want, but I would have joint household account and clear contributions. It seems like he thought he paid what he could and now its your turn, or he could be living on that money. It may be but not forever.

You can't make him see sense because he's an adult who is responsible for his own behaviour and if he hasnt figured out how to be a responsible adult by 50 then he never will. Please dont waste your life trying to get him to 'see'

I actually think he knows exactly what he is doing and this is very classic narcissist behaviour. They live a parasitic lifestyle, asking to borrow money and then spending it on something else is common. It's also common they pay you back if it's a small amount to then prime you for when they want to ask for a bigger amount (which they never pay back but then you fall into the trap of handing it over because they paid you back last time). He is also lazy and entitled by not helping around the house (let's face it, he's not even doing the bare minimum) and working part time. At the start of the relationship they may be working full time but then when they feel comfortable, they slowly drop down working hours or quit their job entirely (usually for spurious reasons).

The selfishness and entitlement of this man buying himself computer games with your money is shocking. I'm angry for you OP! Please get rid of this waster

He is living rent free and you are paying for his toys and giving him "loans" that will never be repaid?
You can't/won't turn him our because he has nowhere to go but home to Mommy and Dad and he wouldn't like that?
Honey, he is practically property bought and paid for by you! If this is not the kind of relationship you want to live with, then send him home to the parents if they don't like that arrangement he can work a little more, or start getting an allowance from them instead of you!

He has it exactly the way he likes it. He feels like he's bought your future with his 100k (that was quite a special dripfeed, btw).

Split up and sell the house - that way he'll have money and you'll be able to find your own way in the world without this loser dragging you down.

Or carry on exactly how you are, because nothing is ever going to change. He has no reason to change - he likes it the way it is.

The fact that he put down £100k cash and is happy for you to walk away with 50% does put a massive different spin on it. Have you paid £100k of his costs in your life together?