I regularly post under a different username. Some of my posts would out me. Sorry it is a bit long.
DP has a female friend I have never met. After a string of events that looked a bit iffy he called me by her name when drunk, which caused the first row. Not only have I not met her but I have not met the mutual friends they have. He socialises with this group of friends (weekends away etc) and I know nothing about them, other than some of the men's first names.
He has admitted to taking her out for a meal, he has met her children at least once, and he said he had been to her house a few times.
She is a Facebook friend of his. I'm not and none of his fb info is visible. She is also on his contact list. I have not said I looked at her facebook.
Because he never mentioned her before he called me by her name, and because we had a big argument.I asked him to have nothing to do with her and he said Ok. When I saw a fb notification on his page a few weeks later when he showed me something on facebook I asked him to unfriend her caused a massive fight. He rang her and handed the phone to me. I didn't say anything.
He is a fb friend of hers and has liked something on her page since the big argument. There is a limit to what I can see on her facebook. I have not mentioned that I have looked at her facebook. I don't think he is the children's father.
We don't live together and it's a LDR. The other day, after he had been abroad for over a week and only been back 2 nights, I asked him what he did the previous evening as he hadn't texted or phoned. He said he'd ' had a few drinks and was with Br ' . Br being the first two letters of her name, Brenda (not really but it might be outing). I asked him who he was with and he said no-one, and described what he'd done that evening. He sounded quite angry that I asked and I made a jokey comment and we were ok for a few days. Was he with her or just trying to make me think he was?
After dwelling on this for a few days, I sent him a text saying ' you were with her on Sunday weren't you. ' I got a text back saying ' F off you psychopath '. I rang and he was drunk and raging at me on the phone.
It's strange that I have not met her or any of their mutual friends. I haven't seen photos or anything. Whenever I mention her he or I get very shouty. He has said that he has never been out with her, never shagged her or even kissed her. He never mentions her other than during the arguments.
One time, before he had to go abroad with work, I was at his place the few days before his trip, and he disappeared for about 3 hours the day before departure.
Other than during the arguments he's fine. He is aggressive during the arguments. Obviously, I have no right to stop him from being friends with her, and I was wrong to ask but I have no idea what is going on. I know that he can eat out with other people, but when he went with her for a meal on her birthday, he told me before that a few from this group of people were going, Afterwards, he admitted it was just the two of them and that he's arranged it because he felt sorry for her. He hasn't taken me out on my birthday for years.
What is going on and what can I do about it? I usually go NC and it works, but once either of us brings up her name there is a fight, so nothing is resolved. I don't want to confront her, and the only way I would meet her is to turn up unannounced. I know what she looks like from her fb profile.
I have no access to his phone.He phones me several times a day normally and tells me he loves me. He says he wants us to get past this. He's not answering my calls today.
The only thing wrong is caused by the secrecy around this woman and the group of friends. We don't argue about anything other than her.
What do I do? It can't be resolved without me being sure that there is nothing going on. There probably nothing going on but it looks like there is. Who is she and why is she so important to him?
He and I have been together for years. DCs are grown up.