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Relationships

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Original poster

Using chronic illness as an excuse

37 replies

Toralala · 31/07/2019 16:24

Hi all,
I wanted a bit of advice regarding my current situation. I (33) am in a relationship with a man (36) who has arthritis of the spine amongst other back related issues. We have been together now for 2 years.
Lately our relationship has hit a rough patch and I feel as though this all stems from his chronic pain and I don't know how to tackle it.
It feels as if our whole relationship is based according to his needs and wants as he is the one in pain and I am starting to feel resentful and unimportant.
He is often moody and uncommunicative with me and often says its because he is in pain. If at any point I drop the ball on any sort of task or if I query something, I’m hit with the verbal accusation that ‘you do not understand what it feels like’, with which I completely agree, but I am trying.
He often requests back massages but refuses to give me one as 'he is the one who needs it'.
My parents planned a family bbq this weekend for my siblings and partners. When I reminded him he said he had forgotten and planned to go home (back to his parents) for the weekend as his back is very painful at the moment and he sees that as his place to recuperate when it gets too much, as apparently the beds are better for his back and he can relax there. I told him he could stay at my parents house or my own and he outright said no and that I was being selfish for asking this of him and not understanding.
He still works every day, goes to the gym (as exercise helps his back), plays golf, sees friends so it's not like he is a complete invalid.

Everyday I text him asking how is day been and pretty much get the same response 'back is agony'. No 'how is your day, what have you been up to?' It's getting me down and causing arguments and I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place as I want to be supportive but feel as though my needs are deemed less important as I am not in constant pain.

OP posts:

Zofloramummy · 31/07/2019 16:25

And you are with this little ray of sunshine because?

Lllot5 · 31/07/2019 16:29

I do feel for him I have arthritis in my shoulder and hands and it’s a bastard. No warning when a flare up is coming and it does impact your social life.
However I’ve found the best thing for me to do, might not be the best for him, is to carry on regardless. Make sure you exercise and just don’t give in.
No excuse to be snotty with you.

Lobeliablue · 31/07/2019 16:30

Any reason you have to stay in this relationship? I can’t see the appeal at all.

Redannie118 · 31/07/2019 16:33

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2019 16:33

Why are you with this person at all?. What are you getting out of this? He is selfish at the very least and is only thinking of his own self here, he does not see you as an equal at all. You are there only to serve him as far as he is concerned and he does not care about you. He is dragging you down with him into his pit.

Original poster

Toralala · 31/07/2019 16:36

No reason to stay- no DC or anything. We do have great times too and I love him. I suppose I just feel like as it's something he cannot help that I should support him rather than just upping and leaving.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toralala · 31/07/2019 16:38

I guess I just wanted a bit of perspective as to whether he is being selfish or if I just need to be a bit more understanding...

OP posts:

user1471519931 · 31/07/2019 16:43

God life is too short for this guy...are you having fun? Do you feel cherished?

He won't come to your family bbq...sorry he just not that into you. Put yourself first! Xx

00100001 · 31/07/2019 16:44

...sounds like a tosser. Not giving you a massage because "He's the one that needs them?" - well he can fuck off to a masseuse and pay them then, can't he? he forgot about the BBQ and used his pain as an excuse for being forgetful?? what bollocks.

Essentially, think about how much this is pissing you off and you don't even live together... What will it be like if you live together, can you somehow imagine him getting less like a whiny selfish twat?

Do you honestly think he won't say shit like "I can't do the hoovering/washing/make the bed/mow the lawn because of my baaaaaad baaaaaaack"

I'd get rid, personally...

Mrsjayy · 31/07/2019 16:44

I don't know if he is being a twat or not sometimes people with disabilities have a few faces it is how we manage pain and life, but if he is wearing you down then is there any realreason to stay with him? Ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship and if it is more negative than positive then maybe it is time to call it a day.

00100001 · 31/07/2019 16:48

Now, if he was saying thing slike "I'd love to give you a back massag,e but my arthritis really flares up if I satnd like that for too long...how about a foot rub instead, I can sit on the floor? Or maybe a shoudler massage?"

or if in the BBQ instance he'd said something like "I know it's your family BBQ this weekend, but I'm really struggling. I'll come along for a bit and take some pain killers, but if my back flares up too much, I'll hide away upstairs or go to my parents so you don't have to worry. "

That would be fine! It's saying I'm limited...but I'll do what I can.

LaMarschallin · 31/07/2019 16:49

I was with someone very like this (the back massages particularly ring a bell).
By the time he'd factored in two hours of "back excercises" (literally just lying on the floor, not moving a muscle) and working 11am-7pm (his back meant he couldn't get up and into work before 11), there was very little time to do anything.
Unless he wanted to do it.

Compassion fatigue set in quickly, I'm afraid.

Original poster

Toralala · 31/07/2019 16:50

I suppose I'm constantly thinking 'but what if the pain is too bad to come to my family event', 'what if it hurts his back to give me a massage?' etc etc. Should I be annoyed at him for not going something that causes him pain or I think if he can sit at his parents house- why can't he sit at mine? I just have no idea if I am being unreasonable or not having no idea about how he feels. Is chronic pain ever that bad that these all could be legitimate reasons?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 16:50

Of course he's being selfish. Being in pain doesn't give uou free licence to be a continuous rude, uncaring twat.

It's not going to get any better. So just end it.

Original poster

Toralala · 31/07/2019 16:54

@LaMarschallin Agree. It just often seems very convenient when he can't possibly make it to my family bbq, but he has a full day at a rugby game with the boys planned in couple of weeks time. Something tells me he might just be able to make that day!

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 31/07/2019 16:54

It's not going to get any better. So just end it.

I agree with this

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 16:55

Cmon op, he can see his own friends, go to the gym, work every day, play golf, but he can't even remember you parents bbq or be nice to you about pulling out. H can't even ask you how your day was.

Cmon, you know the answer to this. He's selfish and unpleasant. Walk away.

00100001 · 31/07/2019 16:56

But he doesn't say it hurts his back to give you a massage.... he says no because he 'is the one that needs them'

Take the chronic pain away.... let's say he has a stressful job.
He asks you for a back massage to help him relax, you do and he feels better. You have a stressful day and you ask him for a back massage... and he turns around and says "Your day couldn't have been as stressful as mine... so no."

IS that a nice person? or a selfish twat?

You have a selfish twat...

Guiltypleasures001 · 31/07/2019 17:03

If he can play golf and go to the gym, he can go to a bloody BBQ, sounds like he's in pain always when it comes to your needs op.

Otherwise he's perfectly capable of doing other stuff when he wants to, he's taking you for a mug

Original poster

Toralala · 31/07/2019 17:16

@Guiltypleasures001 exactly my thoughts... and considering there is no 'I will see how I feel nearer the time' either. It's this weekend so he might not necessarily as bad as he thinks he will be, though how can I really turn around and say 'you're lying, your back is not that bad'?
There have been times in the past where he has left nights out with his friends because of it and his family events too so I'm not saying it doesn't always happen, but sometimes it feels as though it can often be at interestingly convenient times too.

OP posts:

madeofstarlight · 31/07/2019 17:17

God, he sounds so selfish. Very convenient that he's well enough to go to work, the gym, spend time with friends etc but can't find it in him to do anything to make you happy. It was the bit where you said he doesn't ask how your day is in return that really got me, that would cause him no physical strain!

Leave him, OP and not because of his illness but because of his selfishness.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 17:17

It's clearly the upside to this. He uses it to get out of things he doesn't wish to.

Bottom line is if he said, oh god, I'm sorry I forgot, I'm in terrible pain and would be bad company, let me send your mother some flowers as way of apology"

That would be different, but he just calls you selfish for even asking.

Chloemol · 31/07/2019 17:19

If he can exercise, play golf, go out on lads days he is being selfish in saying he can’t come to your family bbq, wants a back massage etc etc. Time to put a stop to it, sorry xx can’t do a massage now I have yyy to do, sorry you can’t come to my family bbq have a good time at your parents, sorry I can’t take you to wherever, Sorry your day has been so stressful, I have had to do xyz today so mines been stressful and so on, play him at his own game

Idontwanttotalk · 31/07/2019 17:24

Last year I had severe and sharp bachache for 2 weeks and could virtually not move without being in agony. It made me feel a lot of empathy and sympathy to others with chronic illnesses. I couldn't cope with it for years.

If this was my DH I would do anything for him. However, if it was for someone I wasn't married to, and I was only in my 30s, then I know I wouldn't want to commit to caring for them and listening to constant moans. I know that sounds selfish but I'm just being honest.

It sounds like he doesn't think about you and your needs and/or wants. People can be very self-centred when they are in great pain. It is awful for them but do you really want to have all the joy sucked out of your life?

Also if he can manage to do things he wants to do (like a whole day at rugby) then is his back as painful as he says it is?

WhateverName2 · 31/07/2019 17:31

I have arthritis in my back. Does not mean i am an ass to other people. I also have adhd and stress. It is hard and difficult often. Still not a green card to piss on people.
I would let him go..

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