Starting out dating a girl I like

[Cowapjn]

Hello everyone

Quick background …

Liked a girl for around 10 years. During this time me and her have both been in a relationship. We both have a child. She is married getting a divorce after her husband repeatedly had affairs. She is extremely kind, soft and sensitive so his betrayal has hit her hard. I myself have been cheated on and have been single for around 5 years since me and my ex (my childs mother) split. She is the first girl in 5 years that I have taken a keen interest in and its because she is such a lovely, kind, beautiful person inside and out. We started talking and get along really well and went on a date. She has been really positive about it all, telling family, friends etc. She has however been clearly affected badly by her ex’s betrayals so has raised numerous concerns with me over who I hang round with, that fact I follow 1000 people on Instagram, and so on. We went on a date and agreed to go on a second but we hit a hurdle as she went abroad for 10 days – not ideal timing and test for us. Its also worth noting after the first date when we had a kiss, I text to say I like her and she replied saying based on the date she felt like I didn’t.

The other day I shared a post on Facebook and she text me thinking the post was aimed at her (I am unsure why she would think this) she said if she has upset me then shes sorry, shes too old to be playing games, shes been hurt a lot and she would rather be on her own. I clarified the post explaining it wasn’t aimed at her or anyone in particular and if she had of upset me id of come to her direct, not share a post aimed at her. She hasn’t responded.

The majority of the advice I will receive will be to bin her of as it’s only been 1 date and she has too many issues and I completely get that however, I have liked this girl for years and she is such a genuine nice girl. To me it would be a huge shame to bin it off because she has incorrectly assumed a social media post is about her. She has told me that she likes me also.

So, any advice apart from binning her off? I sent her 3 texts on the bounce clarifying the post and how its unfair to keep having to defend myself when i am a nice person just like she is. She didn’t respond to these texts . I think the advice to myself is, ive clarified the social media post and sent 3 messages that she hasn’t replied to. I just need to give her some space to have a think, realise how she is being and hope she will come around. If she doesn’t come around in a week or 2 maybe just follow it up with one last ditch attempt and if that doesn’t work then at least I can say I did everything. I feel I have to prove how much I like her and not just give up easily.

If anyone can help me then please offer your advice. Thank you

I hate when you first start dating someone trying to figure each other out!

What was the Facebook post?

What's the fb post?

It was a picture of a saying that reads

“There are times when solitude is better than society and silence is wiser than speech”

I ha doesn’t round my mate that evening to listen to a load of rubbish he is going through from his family and his ex. I shared that post in relation to the drama he is going through and he then went on to lie the post which I’ve explained to her. I’d even text her earlier that evening telling her I was at a mates listening to all of his problems.

I cannot understand how she would think it’s about her, I haven’t been distant or anything and I can only assume she is being paranoid due to the experiences she has had.

We haven’t spoke now since she sent the the message about it.

On one hand I think that she must care to give a crap about what I post.

On the other hand I think she mustn’t like me as much as I thought to bin me of over something so ridiculous

Gawd! She sounds like hard work. If she's going to dump you after something so inconsequential and after you have offered lots of reassurance you'll always be treating on eggshells trying not to unintentionally offend her. She's creating a ridiculous drama over nothing. I know she's been hurt but really?

Maybe during the 10 days away she had time to reflect, and perhaps just wants to 'be friends' and is trying to soften the blow by distancing herself. Maybe she feels so insecure, she doesn't think she is ready to get into a relationship due to all her past problems.

I would just give her some space - you have explained the fb mix up, so you can do no more. I suppose only time will tell.

From another bloke,

I think sharing that kind of post so soon after a first date is asking for trouble. Have you asked her why she felt you didn't like her after the first date? It's been a very long time since my dating days, but I was ultra aware of my behaviour before, during, and after it.

I think you need to talk to each other not text or use social media.

Tell her a little bit of what you’ve said here - but don’t go overboard!

Show her that you like her and respect her by arranging thoughtful dates. Pay her attention but not over the top. Show her respect, care and kindness. Ask her about herself and show that you are genuinely interested in her as a whole person.

Good luck!

Agree with others, talk in person or on phone if she wants to. She's very hurt and her head will be muddled. All you can be is stable and kind. I hope it all works out. If not, there are plenty of other lovely women out there for you.

She sounds like very hard work and that you will have to justify every little thing. Sounds like no basis for a relationship.

She sounds like hard work. I'm curious as to why you think she is such a nice person? She's already said she has issue with you having online friends, said she felt you didn't like her from the date, raised concerns about those you hang around with (!?!) and taken a huff about a harmless face book post.

At best, she isn't ready to be dating as she has far too many issues to work through as a result of her 'cheating' ex. At worst she is a manipulative control freak.

Advice besides not pursuing it? Back off for a bit and see what happens. But be careful.

She's very hurt by her ex. I meant. I know others will say cut your losses. But I'd give a bit of leeway in this situ and be constant and kind, as it's not easy to get over so some paranoia would be expected until she learns to trust others. That might not be you but it might.

Thanks everyone.

Apologies but I don’t know how to respond to individuals.

I agree fully with what people have said about texting - I can’t stand using text as a main form of communication. I’ve tried twice to ring her and have a chat but she doesn’t answer and texts me seconds after to see what’s up. I feel you don’t get to know someone truly over texting.

She admitted a few weeks ago she’s hard work which she is now evidencing but I can’t place blame with her. It’s what she’s been put through and it shit her especially hard as she is a soft sensitive soul. She has been split for the husband a year and is seeking a divorce and in that year was dating a guy who she wasn’t fully into so it ended.

One of the things I had to defend myself about was when she said she keeps imagining a scenario in which she finds out me and one of her friends have been speaking in the past. I had to address this which is ridiculous but this is how bad her overthinking is. On my last text to her yesterday I did say it’s not very fair having to keep defending myself over daft stuff.

I’ve said to her perseverance is key. Her meeting someone was never going to be easy wether it now, in a year , 2 years etc but she needs to stick at it and once she gives someone a chance, her overthinking etc will subside.

If she reaches out to me, I’ll refuse to talk unless it’s done I’m person. Texting is ridiculous and it’s actually annoying me now.

She did say the guy she has been dating this year wasn’t very understanding to what she’s been through , her being a parent and so on so I guess if she does reach out ill comtinue to be my calm, nice understanding self.

I’ll give her some space, see if she reaches out. If she doesn’t I may give it one last shot at talking to her and maybe she if she want to go for a walk, a drive or something and if she pies me at that point I’ll know I at least gave it that final shot.

Yeah, mate - your future is captured in the posts on here from those women complaining about their husbands texting a female friend, or liking their ex's Instagram posts.

Run away, mate. She's already showing her true colours, and putting up more red flags than the Chinse army. You do not want to get stuck with a controlling woman who can't control her own insecurities. It's a miserable life!

She's insecure, not controlling. .Did you even read her recent history in the first post?

@SimplySteveRedux - I know she’s extremely insecure she overthinks everything in a negative way. I sent 3 texts explaining the post. I’d already told her that I was going round to a friends listening to his problems, I then shared the post and that friend then liked the post. She hasn’t been told all of this.

I appreciate she is going to keep raising concerns but all I can do is address those corners reassuring her which is what I’ve done over 3 separate texts.

What more can I do?

I think you sound lovely @Cowapjn and you've done enough. Shell reach out if she wants to talk then it's a fab idea to say, look let's talk on phone not by text which can be misunderstood and that you know she's had a hard time and you understand, but the blokes she had bad experiences with aren't you. And that you are prepared to give her space but don't want to be messed around/kept hanging on, if she isn't interested and prepared to chat.
That's as much as you can do.
Good luck.

@WillLokireturn thank you. At least I haven’t gone in the ultra defensive and been an idiot with her arguing my case. Thanks for your kind words. It’s a shame for her really I just wish she would give me a proper chance becaus I know I’m not capable of hurting her. I’ll see what happens and if she comes to me

First off she is a woman not a “girl”. She has children, calling her a girl in this context sounds seedy. Second run don’t walk! She has issues, you don’t need anybody poisoning your new dating relationship with shit from their last one! Who cares how many people you follow on social media...and yes I have been cheated on but you just have to draw a line in the sand - until you do that, don’t date.

She is playing games by ignoring you & giving you silent treatment. She sounds the type to do this as a ‘test’ so you can prove how much you like her. Don’t write back & stop communicating with her & being the nice guy. She hasn’t treated you well & is emotionally playing you.

Also her being quiet & sweet then saying she is hard work is revealing - it’s a warning sign that her quiet nature probably hides passive aggressiveness / martyr / victim behaviour. Already she is presenting herself as this poor damaged person because cheating, which now gives her the right (in her mind) to overstep boundaries - as shown by her questioning who you follow on social media etc. You are already sounding like you feel you must prove what a good man you are, how you won’t hurt her. Just stop trying, you don’t need to prove yourself to anybody like that.

Also how much keenness are you expected to show after 1 date? You kissed. Then she says she thought you weren’t keen on her. She does sound like major hard work & nothing is good enough for her

@prawnsword - wow. A real eye opener but thank you for being brutally honest. I kinda agree, it’s a test and I feel I’m on trial for her ex’s actions also.

Why am I going to the end of the earth to prove myself? I don’t need to. I know what type of person I am and if she gave me a chance she would see that too.

At this rate, we will be pausing once a week while she has a petty concern that I have to address.

Food for thought anyhow.

Thank you

@Cowapjn wow I didn't expect your reply! That's so sweet, that you are replying to PPs that are helping you gather your thoughts.

You can only be you, and you don't have to justify who you are.

In my worldly experience (😁) ... anyone who is fresh out of two difficult relationships that hit their self esteem or were abusive, can be a bit defensive or prickly unintentionally and out of character for a bit. (The key is "a bit".... You shouldn't be anyone's metaphorical punch bag )

So other PPs are right, if you go ahead to continue trying and wait- and from what you said, you think she might be worth the extra effort and patience as you have a lot in common (that's a nice thing)- do take it slowly and be mindful that you are worth a lot and it's not your behaviour that is triggering her but what she might be reading into it. That doesn't mean you have to stand by and ever be treated badly and misled, but that it's ok to be patient and extra understanding within your boundaries as a decent person.

@WillLokireturn - not heard off her today either :( sent her a Snapchat picture I’d me and my daughter and she opened and ignored it.

I’ve been told to giver her a little longer and if she doesn’t get in contact send her a text asking if she what’s to sort it or not and if she doesn’t then that’s fine.

She works every Sunday at a shop for extra money, I keep contemplating going saying hi on Sunday and seeing how she is but I dunno. It would be good to see her

@Whatisthisfuckery - I’m neither a paedophile or sexist. I have a 5 year old daughter myself and ask you to refrain from posting such things again. Thanks

I’ve been told to giver her a little longer and if she doesn’t get in contact send her a text asking if she what’s to sort it or not and if she doesn’t then that’s fine

Bad advice.

This isn’t going anywhere. Anyone as you think she is wouldn’t be messing you round like this.