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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex - he thinks its funny

33 replies

Alfiesmom15 · 31/07/2019 13:36

So me and my partner have had sex once in 12 months. It's been dwindling the last couple years and even though you dont want to count the amount of times. Ita hard not to when it's such a rarity... ( I came off contraception 2 months ago to see if it would help with migraines and other issues, we discussed it beforehand and in all honesty I just thought what's the point in putting all those extra hormones in my body when I ain't getting any) any the other night we were talking about stuff and I mentioned headaches ir something and he was like I thought that's why you came off the pill... and anyway you probably thought what's the point and found it hilariously funny....
Why would it be funny we dont have a sex life? I dont see any humour in that side of things whatsoever ever.... I kind of want to ask why he finds it so funny but I dont even know how.... it's literally been tearing me apart the last couple years with the lack of intimacy and he thinks it's one big bloody joke.

OP posts:
MoseShrute · 31/07/2019 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaterPower · 31/07/2019 13:53

It’s probably gallows humour.

redastherose · 31/07/2019 13:55

If it's bothering you then talk to him. If you are close enough to want to have sex with someone you should be able to talk about issues like this. If you can't talk about it then there is something wrong with your relationship.

Do you instigate and does he turn you down? If you don't instigate why not?

You need to have a frank conversation about what you want out of your relationship and if he's not on the same page then its better to know than live in fear.

Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 31/07/2019 14:00

I've bought it up a few times it end up happening within a couple days then it goes back to month break.... I stopped asking hence why it hasnt happened in 12 months... and even that one time he was drunk so not exactly great for the self esteem..... my point was why is it humorous? What's so bloody funny about it? Or am I being over sensitive because it is non existent?

As for instigating anything, he stays up half the night watching tele, I cant i have to get up for work in the morning... occasionally I've been getting up as hes going to bed. We've got into a bit of a rut now about it and it just never happens. I havent had anything since january I believe

OP posts:
RainMinusBow · 31/07/2019 14:04

Are you hoping for a pregnancy?

RainMinusBow · 31/07/2019 14:06

What I mean is if you're not using any contraception? Could this be a concern for him?

Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 31/07/2019 14:08

Nope no more babies for us I came off because it was affecting other things, since coming off it I've not had a migraine my anxiety has been alot easier to manage and its stopped some stomach pains since coming off.... I just thought why am I putting myself through all that when it's not happening anyway....
Why would the lack of sex affecting me automatically mean I'm after a pregnancy

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 31/07/2019 14:09

We were doing anything before I came off it i just thought what's the point.... which he thought was hilariously funny when he said it... (I never mentioned I thought there was no point to him he just said it the other night and found it funny)

OP posts:
PennyPittstop · 31/07/2019 14:11

Unless celibacy is something that has been agreed on then I think this is deal breaking territory. You need to sit down and have a big chat. Find out exactly what is going on and where you stand. You can't fix this unless you communicate and listen to each other.

Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 31/07/2019 14:23

That's supposed to say we weren't doing it before I came off it.... we havent had it in months.... my situation is why does he find it funny? Does he not care? Is there any point in bringing it up again? It's clearly not important to him in anyway. I just dont understand why he would of found it hilariously funny.... as in laughing so much could hardly breath funny....

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2019 14:37

I can't imagine why he thinks it's funny.
What does he say when you discuss it?
How old are you both?
How old are DC?
Does he work?

Brandnewshit · 31/07/2019 14:39

Which part did he find funny?

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 31/07/2019 14:45

is it possible he is withholding sex as a form of control? That's the only reason I can think of why a man would find it so hysterical that he is withholding intimacy from his partner who he supposedly loves. The only other reason is that he is extremely emotionally stunted and is hiding his inability to 'perform' by pretending it doesnt bother him when it clearly does.

How does he treat you generally in the relationship?

Either or those options I'd bin him. Are you getting anything positive from this relationship because it sounds to me like he enjoys humiliating you.

Jupiter13 · 31/07/2019 14:46

Your husband is lucky.. you still fancy him so that's fab...be blunt tell him to strip off and get in bed...it's easy.😬

Epona1 · 31/07/2019 14:53

Why exactly are you staying with him? Sounds like your ‘relationship’ is floundering if not dead in the water. Clearly you both are not happy.

Remember, you only have one life, live it, don’t waste a second of it.

Time for a big think and an even bigger talk with him, see where your futures lie and if it’s together. If you do decide to work it through together, then put a time frame on it, say 6 months maximum and then if things haven’t improved then it’s time to part

RainMinusBow · 31/07/2019 15:05

What I'm saying is supposing you do have sex again, would you be taking any steps to prevent a pregnancy? Could this be what is worrying him?

Until recently I've had a great sex life with OH but had a pill fail (then mc) and now we're not having sex as scared to fall pg. As much as we'd like a baby (OH doesn't have any children) we are not high earners and I already have two pre-teens.

Derbee · 31/07/2019 15:11

Bring it up, and have a frank discussion. If no sex is a deal breaker, and he’s not interested in having sex with you, then you need to walk away.

HaileySherman · 31/07/2019 15:12

I'm sorry. I have no advice but I wanted to chime in that I am on your side. One or both people not having their needs met in a relationship (whether sexual or any other kind) is not a laughing matter. Treating it as a joke is hurtful. I wonder if it's his way of dealing with it (as in it also bothers him)? Either way, it's not nice of him.

missyB1 · 31/07/2019 15:14

Tell him his lack of interest in sex is worrying you and would he consider going to couples counselling to find out what the issue is.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/07/2019 15:25

No sex for me would be a deal breaker as it would make me feel so shit about myself. You need to decide if it is for you.

Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 31/07/2019 15:30

I dont know of it bothers him he never really says anything, even when I bring it up it's me just talking at him and gave up.... that's why it shocked me that he found it funny.... as for pregnancy I would go back on contraception if I had any inkling anything was going to happen.... I work full time during the week he works part time at the weekend so it's not because hes had as a long day at work.....
I dont even know how to bring it up in conversation it's been that long... time for a chat when the kids are in bed I think...

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiesmom15 · 31/07/2019 15:32

Its does make me feel shit about myself it's bothered me that much in the last six months but I've been plodding, but then after him laughing the other day I dont think I've felt so hurt or small during the time we've been together .... weve had our arguments but nothing hes said has even made me feel as bad as what it did the other night; almost humiliated

OP posts:
RainMinusBow · 31/07/2019 15:35

I do totally understand how no sex makes you feel. It's the same for us (until I can find the courage to go for sterilisation). Hope things get better for you soon.

Juells · 31/07/2019 15:35

Only a few options, really :(
He has a very low sex drive
He's gay
He has an OW

In my case it was an OW, and I bitterly regret the years I wasted being tactful and trying not to make him feel bad, and suggesting counselling.

If men aren't having sex with their partner, there's a reason. Don't waste years, like I did.

Hidingtonothing · 31/07/2019 15:44

You really need to ask him why it's funny OP, I'm not surprised you were hurt and upset. I've been in your DH's position (the person not wanting sex in a relationship) and it certainly wasn't a source of any kind of amusement.

You need a proper talk, or a letter or email if that's easier/would get a better reception, but he needs to know how much this is hurting you. Everything else depends on his reaction but your first job is get across to him how you're feeling and the effect it's having on you.