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Original poster

DP doing my head in

51 replies

WhenItRains111 · 31/07/2019 12:00

Constantly complaining about how DD (9months) cries, or when we eat out for lunch how she doesn’t want to sit still in the high chair, she is crawling so much prefers to be exploring I’ve tried to explain this. Anything that goes wrong he’ll get moody, if someone doesn’t let him cut in to traffic he gets loses his temper. Fing and blinding, muttering comments under his breath on his shit the day is, how messy the flat is. Just constant. Only time he isn’t moaning is when DD is quiet and sitting relatively still or when he is trying to bug me for sex.. Which needless to say I’ve gone off of. If DD isn’t behaving perfectly it is somehow my fault, ever since she was younger.

Now I don’t know maybe it’s because for me most of the time if something goes wrong I just laugh about it or get on with it.. no point in making a stressful situation more stressful, but that’s all DP seems to do and to be honest it’s draining.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenItRains111 · 31/07/2019 22:05

Well this is the thing, when you’re having to explain to grown man that a baby doesn’t just magically learn to eat perfectly, nor do they learn how to speak unless they’re spoken to. He basically said he’d start speak to DD when she starts to talk Shock. And on top of all of this god knows how he’ll do with potty training, he can’t cope when a bit of sick or dribble gets on him.

I just don’t get it, did he really think when having a baby that we’d have a mini adult. All the knowledge with added cuteness Hmm. Just baffles me. Really do think in order to survive parenthood you need a dash of humour and A LOT of patience, he has neither.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 31/07/2019 22:08

You realize you have two infants,right? The one who is younger is far smarter than the elder

Original poster
WhenItRains111 · 01/08/2019 08:09

Unfortunately yes, it’s like having two kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenItRains111 · 01/08/2019 08:11

It’s almost as if he doesn’t understand that DD is her own person and has her own feelings.

OP posts:
Ounce · 01/08/2019 08:16

Don't have any more children with this man. He's a wrong'un.

Suitcasecoveredincathair · 01/08/2019 08:19

He basically said he’d start speak to DD when she starts to talk

Ermmmm right OK Grin

How does he think babies learn different languages? The mind boggles Confused (This came to mind as my children are bilingual due to me speaking a foreign language where I live - English! Grin)

bionicnemonic · 01/08/2019 08:24

Second vote for just saying ‘please stop moaning!’ He may not realise that’s what’s happening. Also perhaps just explain how children develop and how sensitive they are to the atmosphere around them (That you know he’s bright and intelligent but may not have thought about ... ) I remember someone saying to me about babies dropping things how amazing gravity is and we just get used to it...that if we let go of something and it flew up to the ceiling, that we’d keep doing it too!

funnylittlefloozie · 01/08/2019 08:27

He isnt a good father and he isnt a good partner. Hes just another pathetic man-child who is miffed that someone else is getting more attention than him. My exH was exactly like this, he couldnt handle the fact that DD was totally reliant on me and better company than him and he never really engaged with her. I'm sad for you and your DD, and even a bit for your DP, because he's missing out on so much. 9 months for me was the point at which DD stopped being a sort of baby blob, and started becoming her own little person.

Oh, and no 9 month old will sit in a high chair for an hour, and shouldn't really be asked to!

Original poster
WhenItRains111 · 01/08/2019 08:47

@bionicnemonic, I tried the development books, even a programme on bbc about babies development which he fell asleep watching. His verdict, all this research on babies is constantly changing so he doesn’t believe the majority of it.. apart from the bits that are of benefit to him. As for the just saying stop moaning, I have but I probably should say that he is constantly doing it. I’m sure I do but just so it’s perfectly clear.

@funnylittlefloozie did your ex ever change with your DD as she got older? And I do feel sorry for him as she really is this amazingly funny, bright and cheeky little character.

Can’t even begin to explain how shit i feel as a Mum and partner when he says things like ‘great another weekend ruined’. Just it’s all about him.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2019 08:54

Well he sounds utterly useless.
What is the point of him?
How much easier would day to day life be without him?
What does separation look like?
What is the housing situation?

You really need to consider yours and your DC future here.
Is this what you want for the next 20+ years or more?
Is the example of a male role model you want for your DD.
She will choose a man just like him.
Would that be good enough for her?
If not, then it's good enough for you either.

He's a fun-sucker and lazy arse.
You are there to raise the perfect child while he does nothing and of course, you are expected to 'put out' when ever he wants sex.
Tell him to head back to the 1950's and away from you.

headinhands · 01/08/2019 08:55

You've got two dc. Adults can handle minor frustrations. He hasn't learnt to cope with feelings which is why he vents. He's a toddler wanting other humans to sort everything out for him.

You're probably already walking on eggshells. And feeling confused a lot of the time?

MustardScreams · 01/08/2019 08:59

God get rid. Honestly. I had a similar issue with dd’s dad and our life is just unbelievably better since he left. Life is calm and I know where I stand. Dd is calmer and happier because I’m not stressed all the damn time. It was hands down, the best thing I’ve ever done.

Hope you find the same happiness soon.

Greenglassteacup · 01/08/2019 10:19

He sounds thick

Original poster
WhenItRains111 · 01/08/2019 10:38

@MustardScreams how is your ex now

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenItRains111 · 01/08/2019 10:42

Sorry posted to early, how is your ex with DD now? Did he improve with her after you split?

@Greenglassteacup, ironically he is quite smart just no common sense and can’t seem to think for himself I.e. always caring what others think, apart from me. I would have thought he was on the spectrum but doesn’t show any of the signs.

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pinkyredrose · 01/08/2019 10:43

Did he want a baby? Because he certainly doesn't seem to now.

Ask him what he thought fatherhood was going to be like.

suitcasecoveredincathair · 01/08/2019 11:05

he says things like ‘great another weekend ruined’

In response to what? I hope you don't mean in response to a 9mo crying or doing other things that pre-verbal humans are wont to do.

Original poster
WhenItRains111 · 01/08/2019 12:47

@pinkyredrose I think he agreed to have a baby to keep me around, probably assumed he could carry on normal life and I’d take care of DD. The old she wanted a baby she
can look after it but as we all know a baby isn’t a domestic animal, although debatable when they’re toddlers ha, that you can put outside.

@Suitcasecoveredincathair, exactly that, even when she was younger at a couple of weeks old. Or when she needed feeding and his response was she needed to learn to wait, at less than a month old. Needless to say I whipped my tits out quicker than he could say milk bar.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/08/2019 12:50

He sounds worse and worse with every post you make.

So sorry, but you will be so much happier without this fun sponge taking the joy out of motherhood for you. Please start seeing what £ you could be entitled to and how to extricate yourself from this horrible situation.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 01/08/2019 12:57

OP, I feel really sad for you and your DD because you are holding out for him to change and he never will. My exH was exactly like this when it came to our DC and he's 100% a narcissist (which I mentioned up thread that I suspect your 'D'P is too). They NEVER change. Either because they dont want to or they are incapable but either way, you have to accept that this is your lot in life if you stay.

Please read up on narcissists because once I learned about it, it completely changed my life. I learned to let go, expect nothing and ultimately went NC which was the best decision I ever made. If you dont, you will co tinue wasting years on this man child waiting for him to change.

He is a terrible role model for your daughter and his constant criticism of her for just being a normal child will ultimately lead to her having major issues as an adult and very likely choosing an abusive partner like you have. I know this sounds harsh but you are essentially enabling his abuse of both of you. This is not a normal or healthy environment for either of you. Not what you want to hear I know but it's the only way to move forward and have a chance of a happy life with your DD.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 01/08/2019 12:58

Theres lots of videos on youtube on this topic which you may wish to explore

pinkyredrose · 01/08/2019 13:01

He didn't want a baby then, he agreed to one because it was what you wanted. It's not really a suprise that he's now acting like he doesn't want a baby.

You probably need to think about going it alone, he'll be an awful influence for her. It's so damaging for a kid to know they're not wanted.

Original poster
WhenItRains111 · 01/08/2019 13:20

@pinkyredrose this is only from comments he made made since we’ve had DD. I would have preferred him say you know what I don’t want kids as opposed to saying, yer why not now is a good time if ever when talking about it. Now it’s I could have waited till I was 40.

@Jaffacakesaremyfave sorry I must have missed the comment. I’ll read up on the signs of a narc, but wouldn’t that really be something only a trained professional can diagnos.. the way I feel at the moment I think most personality disorders would scream out at me when really he could just be a dickhead. Needless to say I don’t think I’ll be staying with him, I want DD to have good examples of relationships.

OP posts:
MustardScreams · 01/08/2019 13:23

@WhenItRains111 it was rough for the first 6 months I’m not going to lie. But once I’d completely rid myself of all emotion towards him our co-parenting has been great. We only talk about dd, nursery, pick ups when he’s having her etc and nothing else.

He’s honestly a great dad now. Dd adores him and gets so excited when she knows she’s seeing him and it’s truly lovely. We would have ruined her childhood by staying together.

suitcasecoveredincathair · 01/08/2019 13:28

Or when she needed feeding and his response was she needed to learn to wait, at less than a month old

I'm so sorry OP, but this doesn't sound in the least bit normal.

Our first DC was a really difficult baby and I suppose we could both have said that the first six months were "ruined"! They weren't though, they were just really, really hard.

Every child deserves to be a wanted child and it sounds like your 'D'P doesn't want his lovely DD. I doubt he's suddenly going to come to his senses. I can hardly give a 'LTB' on the basis of a few posts but it sounds like you've got some serious thinking to do. At 9 months I'm sure your DD is an absolute delight and if he can't see that, she definitely deserves better. As do you.