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Original poster

I've been cheated on and now I'm becoming the cheat

46 replies

Esmeeee · 30/07/2019 22:58

I'm in a long-term dysfunctional relationship with the father of my two children. We're not married (my choice for reasons below)

Two years ago he was unfaithful to me whilst I was heavily pregnant, his actions caused me significant emotional harm and I believe was the tipping point for me developing PND which took a long time and therapy to get under control.

The OW became pregnant so he now has another child very similar in age to our youngest. I have never had any ill feeling toward the baby itself but having to accept the OW is now tied to DP forever has been very hard.

I took him back before OW baby was born and agreed to try again, I had firm boundaries and conditions but in hindsight it was a load of bollocks. At the time I thought it was best for our children, but to be transparent a large part of this was because i didn't want to be a single parent. My mental health was shot to shit after what he'd done and I didn't think I would cope alone.

We have rumbled along ok for the most part since but I've never fully gotten past what he did, he hasn't gone above and beyond to make me feel secure in the relationship.

There is no sex life, no intimacy and I'm afraid I just don't love him in the same way anymore. Emotionally I have checked out but we remain together and under the same roof for a variety of reasons, the main ones being finances and convenience.

Fast forward to now.

I've been invited for dinner and drinks by somebody who I am in my own admission attracted to, the feeling is mutual. They are single. I'm not looking to have a relationship with this person but I would very much like to go along and enjoy myself, have a fling if you will. I've been depressed for a long time and had nothing to look forward to, but since this person came on the scene I've felt a little spark come back. I've felt noticed and beautiful.

I haven't sought the opportunity out to extract revenge, and have found myself feeling extremely guilty at the prospect of going along - if he happened to kiss me, I already know I wouldn't pull away.

I've been fiercely loyal to DP for many years and wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything like this before now, even in the early days after finding out about OW I wouldn't have cheated in retaliation, but as time as passed and I've fallen out of love with him I'm now thinking "Well why shouldn't I?"

I feel guilty even saying it. This isn't me, well it wasn't anyway Sad

Can I have some advice please, would you go along or not? Feel free to annihilate me and bring me to my senses, I'll probably be grateful later on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Esmeeee · 30/07/2019 23:01

To add. My relationship is as good as over, we are together now for financial and practical reasons only.

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 31/07/2019 00:02

If it’s as good as over can you not just end it and continue the current living arrangement for now? Some people do that and it works although I’d think you’d be happier in the long-run living apart and finding your own happiness.

You’re only a couple because you still call yourselves that. There is no actual relationship there.

TheStuffedPenguin · 31/07/2019 00:05

Does your partner know your relationship is as good as over ?

NewMe2019 · 31/07/2019 00:06

Honestly OP. I'd do it. Life it too short. You have no relationship. You have a chance to be happy. Take it.

hadthesnip2 · 31/07/2019 00:12

Glad ahead OP.....but tell your dp first what you are planning to do. As a pp just said, if your relationship with your dp is as good as over he wont mind will he.

chipsandgin · 31/07/2019 00:13

Would you want your children to end up in a relationship like the one you are in? Personally I think you (or anyone in the same situation) are a fool for taking him back, you basically condoned his behaviour - I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever do that & I have never seen it end well.

Just leave, shag whoever you want, the relationship is a sham and has been since he cheated so you owe him nothing, but ffs leave & stop subjecting yourself and your children to this shit.

If nothing else they deserve better than to be taught that being either a cheat or a doormat is acceptable behaviour.

AnotherAdultHumanFemale · 31/07/2019 01:57

I'm confused why you are still with a man who impregnated another woman whilst you were also pregnant with his child. He behaved atrociously and you should have ended things as soon as you found out about the cheating. Loads of people are single parents, it's much better to be single than in a bad relationship for the people involved and also the children.

Arranging to go on a date whilst in this strange apparent non relationship (does your partner know the relationship is over?) just seems like a complete mess. It also drags the single man into what sounds like a toxic dysfunctional, 4 person love square!

Just end things with your partner, take a break from dating, review your life then take things from there.

DarkestBeforeTheDawn4 · 31/07/2019 02:20

Id end things first. You can separate and live under one roof if you're not ready or can't afford to move out.

Tartypants · 31/07/2019 02:49

Don’t go without telling him. He’s the father of your children, so you’re going to have to have dealings with him for ever. For them, treat him with respect (not because he deserves it, he obviously doesn’t). They’ve already got one shitty parent, don’t make it two.

1forAll74 · 31/07/2019 02:59

Just go ahead and find some happiness for yourself, be it short term or more. It's easy to say, leave your partner first, but you can't do this right away, so if you feel like seeing this new man, just do it.

I expect that you will encounter a few problems later,as in your home, but you are used to dealing with many problems before,and so can cope with them..good luck.

Scott72 · 31/07/2019 03:14

Sounds perfectly okay. But you absolutely have to discuss this with your current partner first.

latexsalesman · 31/07/2019 05:15

End it and date whoever you want. Don't tie yourself to him forever.

wheresthehope · 31/07/2019 05:20

Life is to short.
End it with your current partner and go and live your happiest life!

category12 · 31/07/2019 06:15

Time to find solutions to the financial and convenience reasons you're staying for, isn't it?

This situation is turning you into someone you don't want to be.

Do you really want to bring it to a head, with you being at fault? If he were to find out and go ballistic, what would that do to your convenient life?

Are you working? Do you rent or own, and on whose names? Can we help you think about ways out?

category12 · 31/07/2019 06:39

Put a little imagination into his possible reactions to finding out, like him telling all your friends and family and the dc that you cheated, him doing the "poor me" act, him trying to throw you out, him deciding you deserve nothing financially etc.

Wouldn't it be better to be in control of the narrative?

pusspuss9 · 31/07/2019 06:49

all comments above true, but the op doesn't know where this new 'relationship' is going, so it may be foolish to end the one she has immediately as it obviously has advantages for her otherwise she wouldn't still be in it.

absofuckinglutley · 31/07/2019 07:02

As long as your ex P is on the same page as you as to where your relationship is at. And that you are making plans to properly separate and live apart then I don't see the issue.

category12 · 31/07/2019 07:11

Pusspuss9: Realistically, taking the right amount of time to find out if a relationship with the other guy is viable and whether he'd make a good stepfather and presumably substitute provider isn't going to happen while cheating. It's a false picture when you're sneaking around (heightened excitement), and the fallout of being caught could be huge. Very risky to blow up your life for an OM who might run like fuck as soon as you're free anyway, no matter what the say in the lead up. And without the frisson of cheating, it might not work once the mundane hits.

If she's going to leave, better do it on her own terms and independently, so she doesn't end up stuck in a crappy relationship again.

AgentJohnson · 31/07/2019 07:20

My relationship is as good as over, we are together now for financial and practical reasons only.

Then make it official! Life’s too short hiding in a relationship that isn’t working, you could then enjoy your crush guilt free.

Your relationship history isn’t a free pass to cheat but it is a very compelling reason to end it.

MoseShrute · 31/07/2019 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beckywiththegoodhair27 · 31/07/2019 07:36

You checked out of this relationship a long time ago and are now only together for practical reasons. Of course you still crave the attention and affectionate you're lacking at home but end one thing before you start another otherwise it will get really messy.

I wouldn't even call this cheating as such as you're barely in a relationship with your kids dad and frankly he's probably doing the same if the relationship really is like this. Just have the chat and split properly then you're free to do what you like. It's a much healthier beginning for something new anyway.

pusspuss9 · 31/07/2019 07:43

@category12
yes, I do tend to agree with you on this ....

mycatisblack · 31/07/2019 07:50

This isn't a moral judgement. You need to end your existing relationship first and build up your self esteem so that you aren't reliant on a man to make you feel good about yourself.
Otherwise, you might end up going through life thinking that any man who pays you some attention is a good thing and is better than having no man. Unfortunately, that path often ends up being far more destructive to your mental health.
Just look at women like Kerry Katona and Jordan. I feel desperately sorry for them as they both trail a long line of shitty men behind them.

SomeAfternoonDelight · 31/07/2019 08:05

Be a bad ass and do it!

Mumtobeagain1 · 31/07/2019 10:59

I personally wouldnt without completely ending the relationship, to start with i wouldnt want my children to behave like cheats in a relationship when they grow up and i sure as hell wouldnt want there dad to have that ammunition against me. (Well she cheated too) I like to be the better person. He cheated and the children when they grow up will know what kind of man he is. I think they would respect you more for leaving and creating a happy home for yourself rather than jst getting by for convenience.