I've been cheated on and now I'm becoming the cheat

[Esmeeee]

I'm in a long-term dysfunctional relationship with the father of my two children. We're not married (my choice for reasons below)

Two years ago he was unfaithful to me whilst I was heavily pregnant, his actions caused me significant emotional harm and I believe was the tipping point for me developing PND which took a long time and therapy to get under control.

The OW became pregnant so he now has another child very similar in age to our youngest. I have never had any ill feeling toward the baby itself but having to accept the OW is now tied to DP forever has been very hard.

I took him back before OW baby was born and agreed to try again, I had firm boundaries and conditions but in hindsight it was a load of bollocks. At the time I thought it was best for our children, but to be transparent a large part of this was because i didn't want to be a single parent. My mental health was shot to shit after what he'd done and I didn't think I would cope alone.

We have rumbled along ok for the most part since but I've never fully gotten past what he did, he hasn't gone above and beyond to make me feel secure in the relationship.

There is no sex life, no intimacy and I'm afraid I just don't love him in the same way anymore. Emotionally I have checked out but we remain together and under the same roof for a variety of reasons, the main ones being finances and convenience.

Fast forward to now.

I've been invited for dinner and drinks by somebody who I am in my own admission attracted to, the feeling is mutual. They are single. I'm not looking to have a relationship with this person but I would very much like to go along and enjoy myself, have a fling if you will. I've been depressed for a long time and had nothing to look forward to, but since this person came on the scene I've felt a little spark come back. I've felt noticed and beautiful.

I haven't sought the opportunity out to extract revenge, and have found myself feeling extremely guilty at the prospect of going along - if he happened to kiss me, I already know I wouldn't pull away.

I've been fiercely loyal to DP for many years and wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything like this before now, even in the early days after finding out about OW I wouldn't have cheated in retaliation, but as time as passed and I've fallen out of love with him I'm now thinking "Well why shouldn't I?"

I feel guilty even saying it. This isn't me, well it wasn't anyway

Can I have some advice please, would you go along or not? Feel free to annihilate me and bring me to my senses, I'll probably be grateful later on.

Do it.

I would add that if this man has asked you out knowing you are still in a relationship, he's not going to turn out to be decent relationship material. Decent men steer clear until a woman is single. So be aware it's likely a fling only in this scenario, whatever he says.

Don't be the same shitty person as him.

His reasons to cheat were valid to him as are yours to you. Just end it.

I agree with pp that you should tell your DP first. Make it explicit that you are no longer tied to each other. Meet this new man without the frisson of secrecy (will cloud your judgment) but with the open excitement of genuine possibility.
If you "cheat", it will muddy the waters for you because it could always be argued (by your own head or by others) that you were "as bad as he was".
You could even delay the new man till you'd told H you plan to date others, and tell the new man exactly why. This would have the extra benefit of finding out quickly whether the other man is in it for a secret affair with married woman or for something more meaningful.
Good luck and ENJOY!!

Sorry, didn't mean to refer to your P as "DP" or "H". Hopefully it's clear what I meant.

You owe him nothing. He is a cheating shit. Tell him you are over and will be going on a date with someone else.

Honestly..please just end your existing relationship. Don't be the tit for tat person. This is resentment that has built up in you...and no wonder why, after being cheated on. The relationship is dead. End it officially and start moving on with your life with a fresh start. It will be the better way to do it going forward and for your mental health.

Tell your partner. Don't lower yourself to his standards and be a cheating shit too.

Thank you for the replies

The reasons I didn't plan on telling 'D'P are because I'm not sure where things with new man would end up, and I didn't want to deal with an even worse atmosphere in the house if it's all for nothing. If (unlikely) things looked as though they may progress to a relationship I would absolutely tell DP of my plans.

DP does realise the relationship is doomed past the point of return, although he has made advances within the past few months which were rejected on my part.

I don't believe he loves me, the advances will have most definitely been selfish on his part because he's highly sexed and isn't getting it elsewhere at the minute, that I know of - and I certainly don't love him.

I care about him as the father of my children and don't wish him ill will, but that's it.

He has been saying for a while now that he knows I'm going to end up with somebody else eventually because I couldn't move past what he did.

I don't feel as though I'm in the best place to be jumping straight in to another relationship but I do miss the intimacy and excitement of seeing somebody, I don't have high hopes for a happily ever after with new man but he's certainly somebody I could enjoy myself with. He's attractive, kind and has a fab personality.

He knows my home situation and I've explained it to him as I have here.

I realise now in hindsight I should never have taken DP back in the first place but I was a broken woman when I did.

It benefits me to be under the same roof as him for now, as much as the relationship has died I can't be sure he'd be ok with me dating somebody else so I planned on seeing where things lead first and then getting my ducks in a row.

Regardless of new man I do need to make steps to live independently, the current arrangement isn't sustainable long term as I've beginning to broaden my horizons and make changes for myself.

Its not as simple as me picking a house and off i go, but I'm adding to savings to make it possible in the not so distant future.

I realise a decent woman would wait until that happens before considering seeing somebody else, so I'm not proud of the position I've put myself in, but on the other hand I think to myself why shouldn't I think of myself for once instead of considering him.

Perhaps you should also consider the new person you are seeing, if they learn you are essentially cheating/going behind someones back they may end it of their own volition!

Might be better to just make a stand and agree an official split - if the other person finds out you're hedging your bets surely itll be awkward all round?

Use this as a kick up the bum to make changes - if your dp realises you're getting involved with someone else, it could make things a lot worse. And personally, I'd choose to control the narrative rather than become the bad guy should it blow up in your face.

I'd also be dubious about a man who wants to get involved with you at this stage. I'm sure you're great and attractive, but really, someone wants to step into this mess? Be careful he doesn't make you end up feeling worse.

“I’ve got a date on X day. He seems nice & I’m going to go.”

He cheated & got someone else pregnant. He has no leg to stand on here. It’s over, new guy has made you realise other people exist. I don’t think cheating tit for tat is right, but you totally deserve to be wined & dined even if it goes nowhere. Treat yourself xox

For people saying new bloke is Suss - also possible he has a crush on the OP, has heard all about her rat of a husband & likes her. It can & does happen. He may be thinking “why is she with this tosser, she is amazing.” He has asked her out for dinner on a proper date, not over to his place for a “DVD” or “Netflix & chill” as the kids call it.

Indeed, he may - or he may think she's vulnerable to a bit of flattery. That also happens.

It sounds as if you are pinning all your hopes of leaving your dead marriage on this new man. You've actually said you won't tell your current partner in case it's all for nothing.

I honestly think the new man is a red herring. He's opened your eyes to the fact you have no love left for the father of your children and you want more from life.

Separate officially. Live as a single woman for a while. Don't jump from one relationship to another because you don't want to be alone, it won't make you happy in the long run.

I'm not pinning all my hopes on leaving DP on the new man, I'm fairly sure I'm not looking for anything serious at this point in time.

Me separating from DP officially is going to happen in the near future, but it's because I don't love him not because there's a new man on the scene.

To be honest there's every chance DP won't be happy about it, he is a hypocrite (as am I it seems) and I don't want there to be a worsening atmosphere in the house whilst we still live together.

What I did want was to let my hair down and enjoy myself with somebody who likes me, finds me attractive and wants to spend time in my company.

I realise I'm not covering myself in glory here.

Your marriage is as others have said dead in the water. You have been treated badly and you really do deserve some fun which could also be a nice confidence boost Cheating isn't the way forward. There is however no reason why you shouldn't go out for an evening with a friend who just so happens to be male as long as you are completely open about your situation with the 'friend'. A nice meal out and a couple of drinks doesn't mean that you are going to be jumping into bed with him or planning your wedding. It might however help you answer a few questions about how you feel about your marriage, whether you want to give it one last go at fixing all the issues or it could be the push you need to plan leaving your marriage. If you go out with this man and get on well with him, make sure that you don't take it any further than friendship until you have told your husband. Don't lower yourself to his level.

I say do it. God your life has been tough for a few years. God your current partner deserves no loyalty. Go have fun.

I've let him know that I can make it. He's made some lovely plans, dinner and drinks at a riverside restaurant and a scenic walk afterwards. Its definitely not a Netflix and chill

Thank you all for your input I've taken everything on board.

You've all confirmed what I need to be doing in regards to current DP, I'm putting some money aside to make the transition as comfortable as I can for me and the children.

We will be having the conversation as soon as I've sorted what needs to be sorted.

I was in your position a few weeks ago OP. Dead end relationship, no intimacy or affection, no love anymore on my side, DP was an asshole tbh, never helped me out in the house, left me with our DS all day everyday, slept in a separate room for the first 3 months of his life because he kept him awake whilst I was up all night doing night feeds and looking after him in the day. I met someone who I had an instant connection with, we exchanged a few texts. I never met up with him, but we exchanged some very..... erm interesting messages. He gave me confidence to know that I was miserable with my DP and that there was so much more out there than being miserable forever. I finished things on Sunday and I already feel better. I don’t have any intention of meeting up with my OM for a long time but feeling wanted and attractive again helped me so much. There’s nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself but before you go ahead with anything physical I think you should tell him and leave, otherwise your no better than him.