Ruined exe's life and now he's threatening to kill himself! Am I an AWFUL human being?

[LadyV1984]

Hi all, I will give you all a brief run down of the situation. 6 months after separating from my husband I met someone new. We started out as friends but got on so well that we quickly became a couple. Right from the start he told me he'd had issues with cocaine addiction but that it was all in the past. He had lost access to his baby daughter because of it and he was really sorting his life out to get her back. He told me all sorts of stories about his ex, how she was violent towards him and that this had driven him to the drug use. After a few months of being together and proving he was clean he was allowed to start having supervised access to his daughter again. A month or so later his whole personality changed and I suspected he was using again. Doing a bit of digging I discovered empty coke wraps in his pockets on several occasions but he always managed to talk his way out of it by saying they had been a friends or been in his pocket for months. The lies were constant and I knew he was always getting high any chance he could get. Anyway the final straw came when his daughter was allowed to stay over one weekend and he had to nip away late at night for ciggies and would take his baby a drive to get her to sleep. The next day I checked his phone and found he had been out picking up cocaine and getting high whilst his daughter was in his care. I was absolutely disgusted and threw him out and told his ex what he had done. She told me many stories and I discovered he had told lots of lies about their reltionship and the violence, it was him used to beat her up! She has now stopped all his access to the baby and he hasnt seen her for 2 months. He started going to drug counsilling but was found with more cocaine on him on several occasions since. I've had messages from him saying he has nothing to live for and he is going to kill himself. I feel as though I'm responsible for ruining his life. Am I a terrible person?

No you’re not a terrible person, he is.

Block him.

He’s an irresponsible addict who will always blame others rather than himself.

He’s trying to guilt you into going back to him.

I dont think you're a terrible person, but you are a bit naive. Most addicts lie and lie and lie.... and amazingly, this guy has lied to you. Threatening suicide to someone is frankly vile and manipulative, and for that alone, you should bin him off.

God no! What's happening to him is because of what he's done, not what you've said. You've told the truth and put his daughters safety first (which is more than he managed), that doesn't make you a terrible person, quite the reverse.

He's an addict and the families of addicts are taught the 3 C's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. This is his doing and the consequences are entirely on his own head.

Having said that if you're really concerned he may harm himself then of course dial 999 but your responsibility ends there. Don't let him get in your head, none of this would be happening if he hadn't taken drugs, lied and put his daughter at risk, it's his fault, not yours

Drug addicts always blame someone else.

He may really be suicidal, my BIL was in the throes of his addiction. My sister threw him out, his parents and six siblings refused to have anything to do with him. He ended up living with my parents while seeking addiction treatment.

An addict must want to change. It sounds as if he isn’t there yet. You can be empathetic but tell him he needs to treat his addiction and don’t let him move in with you m. The physical addiction is easy to overcome. The psychological addiction, which is the root of the problem, requires real work, self honesty, and most important, a desire to change. It sounds as if he realizes he has screwed up, but isn’t there yet.

My BIL did beat his addiction, but it wasn’t easy. My sister took him back. Her life has not been easy, even though I love BIL to pieces. But, I would not want to be married to him.

Of course not- he's a manipulative drug addict

You protected a child at personal cost to your own relationships. That's brave and ethical. Be proud of yourself, you should be

He won’t kill himself. I’ve been around addicts all my life. He might threaten and he might even make a half arsed attempt but he’s more likely to die through drug mishaps.
He has no doubt used tis threat 100s of times to get what he wants.
Let his family know, if he has a worker let them know and then walk away. You will never fix this person and he will waste years of your life.

It's emotional blackmail. As a trick it's as old as the hills and you won't be the first person he's tried it on with. Ignore it. Block him. And no, you are NOT a bad person.

You, unlike him, acted like a responsible adult with regard to the welfare and safeguarding of his daughter.

None of this is your fault.

He's made poor choices whilst in the grip of addiction and he's still doing so (and will continue to do so until he gets his addiction under control - which may take years or maybe never).

Emotional blackmail, manipulation and shifting blame are an addicts bread and butter.

Block him. Don't engage further. You've had a near miss with this man so don't make the mistake of letting him back into your life due to utterly misplaced guilt he's trying to place on you.

Just block the piece of shit and don't give him another moment's thought.

He took his baby with him to score.

He snorted stuff that is a major cause of sudden death from heart issues whilst having sole care of his baby.

He probably drove with his baby in his car whilst he was unfit to drive through cocaine.

He was violent towards the mother of his baby in the presence of his baby.

He's used cocaine when supposedly caring for his baby even after the mother, probably against all her instincts to protect that baby, allowed him to see her out of a wish to do what was best for that baby.

And now he's been caught out again, she's protecting that baby from somebody who she is most likely still scared of angering - he's turned on you and is raging and threatening and trying to terrify you into bending to his rage like he tried to do to his ex.

You have done nothing wrong - you did exactly what was right - and quite possibly saved that baby's life.

He can get to fuck.

Nope. He is.

But next time when someone tells you they take coke because their wife was violent, don't be so gullible. He saw you coming a mile off.

But at least you did the right thing ultimately. He is disordered and so will always blame everyone else for his own shortcomings. He'll tell the next woman who comes along that you were crazy too. And the suicide threats are probably just to make you feel guilty. Block all contact from him. Maybe tell his family or friends or the police of his threats too first, just incase.

Threatening suicide is a very classic tactic used by abusers, it's emotional abuse. I would call the police and tell them, if he is in danger they are trained to deal with it. He has lied to you and put his child in danger. This is a dangerous person, please keep yourself safe. Report to the police, block and do not respond to him. You are not responsible for him.

Read up on emotional abuse and the red flags of abusers so you can avoid them in future.

Well done OP. You did absolutely the right thing by that child and her mother.
The things he’s going through now? All on him, all of it.

You have done all the right things OP.

You are not responsible for his decision to take drugs. Ever. Let alone with a very young child in his care.

Every coke head I've met in my life has thought they were the ruler of the world when high and that they can do no wrong. They all seem to think "everyone does coke, lighten up, why don't you try it?" No thanks. From what I've seen it basically just turns normally sensible people into arrogant selfish idiots.

I worked in a sales office once and it was a huge part of the "culture". To the point where one of the managers would come out of the loos rubbing her nose and then sit down next to me and ask "have I got anything round my nose?"

All the managers went to an annual jolly one Friday. Saturday morning at 8am they decide to ring my desk on speakerphone from one of their hotel rooms because ringing Furiosa and asking if she likes a certain sex act is apparently totes hilair when you're coked off your face 🙄

No you’re not. He’s scum and if his life is ruined it’s his own fault.

I can’t believe he took his baby out in his car when he’d taken this filth. How utterly irresponsible

You've not ruined his life, he has. That's his problem.

What you have done is help his child's mother not let him ruin her life. Can you imagine if you'd said nothing? If he continually drove his child about coked up? Just think about the possible consequences there, just that one facet of the myriad of things that could go wrong.

Drug addicts always blame someone else. You are smarter than that. You protected the vulnerable person. That will never be wrong whatever he says or does.

No, you aren't a terrible person. It's none of your business what he chooses to do now, let him get on with things.

I'd just block him on every platform possible and try to forget about him completely.

You've done nothing wrong. You did the responsible thing by alerting the mother of that poor baby. Please block him from being able to contact you again.

Well done op for standing up for that poor little girl who needed protection.

Was a very brave thing to do and the right thing to do.

He is not your concern.

thank God you don't live together eh.

You haven't ruined his life. You have protected his innocent, helpless daughter. HE is an AWFUL human being

You'd have been an awful human being if you hadn't told his ex to ensure the safety of his child and not thrown him out and carried on as if all was right and proper and healthy.

What you did was 100% the right thing. But I'm sure you know that deep down.

How can you possibly think you are an awful human being?
You gave him a chance.
He blew it big style.
You protected a little girl from her drug addict father.
That makes you a good person.
But please take heed.
Never ever get involved with anyone like this again.
You ignored loads of red flags.

Don’t get sucked into that fucking bullshit! You saved that little girl from potential heart ache. And yourself from potential broken Ribs. He was probably on a terrible come down when he text you... which makes you suicidal. He’s a dick.