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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know what to do...

31 replies

Gingernut0310 · 30/07/2019 22:02

7 years ago my husband lost 10st and quite rightly it changed his life and I was so proud of him. I had never had any cause to mistrust him but one night I was using the laptop and he hadn't logged out of his Facebook. I didn't look at it but while I was on there a notification popped up, it was from a women I didn't know she said she'd loved meeting him (at a stag do he'd gone to) and she was sorry she had stopped him kissing her, but that next time they met up she would give him more than a kiss!! I felt sick!! I looked at the other messages he had and 3 were from other women, one he'd met at a festival he'd been to, one he worked with and one it seemed he was meeting when he was on a night shift! I felt so shocked that I couldn't even say anything to him. Over the next few weeks the messages got more explicit and he was making arrangements to meet them. I had it out with him and he broke down saying how sorry he was, he promised he had never met up with any of these women, it was just that after he had lost weight he suddenly started getting female attention and it had just gone to far. While this was going on our Son was diagnosed with Autism and so I buried it all, forgave him and we moved on. A few years later I started feeling uneasy again and confronted him, he had changed jobs and he said that one of the girls had taken a liking to him and had tried to kiss him when he'd dropped her home one night. He said he didn't kiss her back and he had told her he wouldn't take her home anymore or spend anytime alone with her. Again I took this at face value and we carried on. He has always been and still is very loving and romantic, he rings me whenever he gets a break at work and he's always texting me etc, but then about a month ago he got a new phone and instead of using the password he had on his old phone he has set it up so he has to use a fingerprint to open it. He has started taking his phone everywhere with him again and he is always on it. The other day I tried to log in to his Facebook at home but he has changed his password. An hour or so later he came home looking very pale he said that a funny thing had happened he had received an email saying someone had logged into his FB account and he had to change his password. He seemed terrified that I might have looked at his FB. He spent the next few days being overly nice to me buying me flowers, then over the weekend he left his phone unlocked on the table at a family party and I took the chance to have a quick look, there were some messages on WhatsApp I could only look quickly all earlier messages were deleted but he had told her he loved her lots and he missed her!! I don't know when I'll ever get a chance to look at his phone again but its driving me insane 😥

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2019 22:05

What is it you are asking ?

Is it not clear to you that your husband has cheated, is still cheating and will continue to cheat ?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2019 22:05

Your husband is cheating on you. Why are you staying quiet?

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/07/2019 22:07

I'm sorry you're going through this but how much more evidence do you need? How many more lies will you choose to believe? How many more chances will you give him?

Lollyjack · 30/07/2019 22:12

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I stayed with my cheating ex husband at lot longer than I should have, in my opinion (some may prove me wrong) they do t change. Once they are allowed to get away with it once it’s like a get out of jail card and they keep doing it. Xxx

Ginger1982 · 30/07/2019 22:14

LTB

Howdoyousleep · 30/07/2019 22:19

Sorry but you don’t need to know any more.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 30/07/2019 22:24

He’s continuing to cheat on you. Probably never stopped. I’m so sorry.

simplekindoflife · 30/07/2019 22:30

He's a serial cheater, I doubt he'll change.

This is no way to live and you know you deserve better. Stop putting up with this crap and kick him out!

Farmmum7 · 30/07/2019 22:34

You can't keep it bottled up you probably have all sorts of different scenarios going round in your head right now.

You loved him for him not because of his weight yet (and I don't want to sound horrible) but he clearly doesn't just love you for you. You need to tell him you know something is going on. I think at this point his behaviour is not going to get better and your better of for your sanity and happiness choosing to leave and find someone that is open, honest and commited to you life is too short to be messed around.

Also ask him how he would feel if you were treating him a similar way. It may boost his confidence to get attention from other women but it does the opposite to yours and im sure he wouldn't be happy at all if you were to be messaging other men saying similar things.

If he's telling someone else he loves them that's an affair that's not a confidence boost. You deserve better Flowers

forumdonkey · 30/07/2019 22:40

He's cheating and IMO you ask him leave or you confront him and accept all the bullshit excuses like you have previously. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I'm sorry you're going through this but for your own MH you can't continue knowing this, it'll drive you crazy

LakeIsle48 · 30/07/2019 22:41

He's cheating on you. Please wake up. You are being made a fool of. Dont lower yourself to listen to any crap he gives you. Tell him you are taking legal advice on where you stand in respect of divorce.

If you tolerate this you will deeply regret it. Dont let anyone treat you like you are a fool. Dig deep and get some self respect. You are probably in shock. Get someone you are close to on board. You need support. Dont put up with this. There is no mystery, he is cheating. You need to change your approach. Go fucking ballistic and never ever veer from that approach.

Winterlife · 30/07/2019 22:42

It appears you are still processing the fact your husband is cheating on you. Once you have resolved that, you need to decide if this is the life you want-always looking beyond face value.

labyrinth · 30/07/2019 22:43

LTB

He'll only keep doing it

Flowers
LakeIsle48 · 30/07/2019 22:43

You do know what to do. Get on with doing it!

ConfCall · 30/07/2019 22:55

Once someone has cheated on you, they’ll likely do it again. He won’t stop. He might make all the right noises about remorse etc, but he won’t stop. I’m so sorry OP. See a solicitor as soon as you can.

Clayplease · 30/07/2019 23:21

This must be so awful and you were so understanding in the past. But please don't let him continue to do this to you! You might be surprised at how happy you could be without him. Good luck and sending strength to get through this difficult bit. Thanks

Skittlenommer · 31/07/2019 00:10

You really don’t know what to do??

Leave the cheating asshole!!

FuriousVexation · 31/07/2019 00:52

she said she'd loved meeting him (at a stag do he'd gone to)
Aren't stag parties all male affairs? If so, was she the stripper?

Anyway, he's clearly having sex with other women. If monogamy is a deal breaker for you then you're going to have to leave because he has no intention of changing his ways.

Do you have dc together?

Gingernut0310 · 31/07/2019 10:40

I understand everything you're all saying, I left my first husband because he was cheating, I took my 5 year old daughter and walked out on the bast#rd. But this is a bit different because of my Son. He wouldn't understand and I would need to move house as I wouldn't be able to keep up with the cost of where we live now and again that would be such a huge wrench for him. If it was just me I'd have left 7 years ago but I have to consider the major impact on my son x

OP posts:
LakeIsle48 · 31/07/2019 11:25

You cant sacrifice your life or your children's lives. See a solicitor asap. I know its awful and you cant see a way out now but there is a way out.

You are stronger than you think you are. Tell your family or friends. You need support behind you.

Your children will be very aware that things are not right. They need security. You can make them feel secure by tackling this head on.

Why should you and the children have to suffer? You didn't cause this situation. Your husband did, he is responsible. You have been more than understanding.

If you had been unfaithful to him do you think he would be so kind to you?

Your son already knows you are unhappy. Be a great example to your children. Be strong and dont let yourself be bullied. Kids are incredibly perceptive. They are also more capable than we think.

Dont put yourself last. You have rights as a married woman. Please exert those rights. You cant let your life be ruined to save everyone else.

madcatladyforever · 31/07/2019 11:27

What an absolute prick.

LTB.

Gingernut0310 · 31/07/2019 11:32

My son unfortunately because of his Autism will not understand and is not able to see any of the signs of me being upset. But being separated from his Dad and moving home will affect him. My daughter who's now 26 split up with her boyfriend a couple of months ago and he still can't come to terms with that, so me and his Dad splitting would be very difficult for him to handle x

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 31/07/2019 11:35

So you are going to saty with a cheating husband?

Teaandcrisps · 31/07/2019 11:36

Stay
rather than cook your OH in a peanut sauce

Morgan12 · 31/07/2019 11:42

Your husband clearly doesn't give two fucks about how this will affect his son. And that alone is a reason why you must leave. (And also he is a cheating lying prick).