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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know what to do...

31 replies

Gingernut0310 · 30/07/2019 22:02

7 years ago my husband lost 10st and quite rightly it changed his life and I was so proud of him. I had never had any cause to mistrust him but one night I was using the laptop and he hadn't logged out of his Facebook. I didn't look at it but while I was on there a notification popped up, it was from a women I didn't know she said she'd loved meeting him (at a stag do he'd gone to) and she was sorry she had stopped him kissing her, but that next time they met up she would give him more than a kiss!! I felt sick!! I looked at the other messages he had and 3 were from other women, one he'd met at a festival he'd been to, one he worked with and one it seemed he was meeting when he was on a night shift! I felt so shocked that I couldn't even say anything to him. Over the next few weeks the messages got more explicit and he was making arrangements to meet them. I had it out with him and he broke down saying how sorry he was, he promised he had never met up with any of these women, it was just that after he had lost weight he suddenly started getting female attention and it had just gone to far. While this was going on our Son was diagnosed with Autism and so I buried it all, forgave him and we moved on. A few years later I started feeling uneasy again and confronted him, he had changed jobs and he said that one of the girls had taken a liking to him and had tried to kiss him when he'd dropped her home one night. He said he didn't kiss her back and he had told her he wouldn't take her home anymore or spend anytime alone with her. Again I took this at face value and we carried on. He has always been and still is very loving and romantic, he rings me whenever he gets a break at work and he's always texting me etc, but then about a month ago he got a new phone and instead of using the password he had on his old phone he has set it up so he has to use a fingerprint to open it. He has started taking his phone everywhere with him again and he is always on it. The other day I tried to log in to his Facebook at home but he has changed his password. An hour or so later he came home looking very pale he said that a funny thing had happened he had received an email saying someone had logged into his FB account and he had to change his password. He seemed terrified that I might have looked at his FB. He spent the next few days being overly nice to me buying me flowers, then over the weekend he left his phone unlocked on the table at a family party and I took the chance to have a quick look, there were some messages on WhatsApp I could only look quickly all earlier messages were deleted but he had told her he loved her lots and he missed her!! I don't know when I'll ever get a chance to look at his phone again but its driving me insane 😥

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 31/07/2019 11:47

You don’t need to leave. Obviously it’s up to you.
However, since you are living in an relationship that is open on your husband’s side - i’d make it fair and open it up on your side too.
If he can date other people you should be free to as well.
Whether or not you confront him - totally up to you.

LakeIsle48 · 31/07/2019 11:56

Speak to your solicitor. Your husband has broken his marriage vows not you. You sound like a wonderful mum. If your husband had any decency he would not have put you and your son in this situation.

Your daughter is in the early stages of splitting. Its only been a couple of months. Give your son a bit more time. He is going to have to live with the reality of your daughter's separation one way or another.

You dont have to leave your home. Divorce your husband on the grounds of repeated infidelity and stay exactly where you are.

Get some support to help you through this. You sound very browbeaten and you've every reason to feel that way. You are under a lot of pressure with your son's condition.

With support you can change your outlook. See friends, engaged a counsellor for support, get a hobby, keep yourself fit and well. If you are depressed see your GP. Take up a martial art to bolster your confidence. If you share a marital bed move to another room if possible.

Dont do any washing, ironing admin work etc for your husband. Let him cook his own meals.

The chances are your husband will leave you for some unfortunate woman and your son will have to adjust. It wont be easy but you are stronger than you believe.

You are a worthwhile person who loves her kids. Hold your head up high.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 12:00

I don't really understand what's driving you "insane". He's cheating. He's cheated for years. You either accept it and continue. Or have it out an be willing to end it. Or once again play the game ,,,have it out, accept the lies again, and stay put.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2019 12:05

Could you separate but live together for now?
Is there a spare room he could sleep in?
Separating means that you don't cook for him or clean, or iron, or shop, or tidy up after him etc...
Is this something you could do?

thethoughtfox · 31/07/2019 12:13

He may be planning to leave you. At least if you take control, you can get advice and plan things carefully instead of it being a horrific shock for you and your child.

Mitzimaybe · 31/07/2019 12:23

I don't know when I'll ever get a chance to look at his phone again

You don't need to look at his phone again. You already have all the evidence you need. His guarding / changing passwords / being nice and buying you flowers when he thinks you might have caught him out in addition to the messages you HAVE seen just proves it conclusively. He is a serial cheater and he is never going to stop. It's just that from time to time he gets a bit careless.

He clearly doesn't care about your DS the same way that you do. You can't stop him cheating and clearly he doesn't want to stop.

If you won't leave him then I don't know what advice you are looking for. Join some dating sites yourself? How about wiping hot chillies over all his underwear? "Lose" some of his possessions he is particularly fond of. Go away for a few days so he has to stay home and look after DS. I'm sure other posters will have some excellent sneaky revenge suggestions if that's what you want.

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