My DS has told me to go NC with my mother.

[ModreB]

I had a very limited relationship with my DM for years. We would see each other for a couple of hours a week, and that was it. In March, she became very ill, and I, as her only daughter stepped up and visited every day, She has recently been discharged to a rehab unit, but constantly calls wanting me to shop, cook, order take aways, clothes, etc.

I had a bit of a breakdown, and my DR told me to completely detach for at least a week to rest. This was on last Wednesday. She rang me today, saying she has a hospital appointment on Thursday, and that I've had my week off so need to take her. I was having quite a good day, but as soon as she rang, I sort of crashed again.

I spoke to my DS, 26yo, who said I should turn off my phone, get a burner phone, give the numer to the people that need it and ignore her. He does love her, but knows what she is like.

I do not know what to do next. If I withdraw, she will have nobody, but if I get involved, it will make me unwell.

Hospitals provide hospital transport. I’ve been very firm with my mum that she has to use it, because I will not be taking 3 days a week off work to take her to all her appointments. She has moaned like heck because it ‘takes so much out of her day’ but I’m quite happy to remind her that’s he was very happy to take so much out of my day without a qualm. I find many elderly people develop tunnel vision and are only concerned with their own outcomes, never mind the effect on anyone else. Hard boundaries, plenty of time for self care and speedy referral to social services as soon as she needs it.

You say you're the only daughter - does that mean you have brothers?

FWIW, as your son knows the history I think he may be right.

She's been in rehab because she's an addict? Or because she needed help getting back to coping for herself?

Could your ds take her? It would let you maintain low contact, get her to her appointment and she wouldn't be able to manipulate you through him. He sounds as if he has your wellbeing in mind.

Hi, no, I have no siblings. It's just me.

DS has ASD, so if you want the brutal truth, he is the person to go to. He can't take her as he lives in a different city. He said he loves her, but if she's having this impact on my MH I need to disengage. Anyone can go through my DH, who has been an absolute star through the whole sorry saga.

She is in rehab to try and make her able to look after herself rather than being an addict, there are no substance abuse issues that I am aware of. I said this to her, and was told if I loved her, I would go with her.

The thing is, I do love her, but I don't like her very much. She is one of the most self centered people that I have known ever, in 50 years.

You have to put yourself first. Listen to your DS. Tell her to get hospital transport. You'll be in touch when you feel well eñough.

Leave her to the professionals. This is too much.
Contact her in a few weeks. Maybe keep confidential contact with her carers.

Hi OP your mother sounds very needy and I’m sure she’s put pressure on you in the past. You DO NOT have to do anything for her.
You can either tell her to book hospital transport or if you know she won’t do that you book it for her.
Was she in a rehabilitation ward to get her to do more for herself?
She understandably sounds like she impacts your mental health. Your son is right in his suggestions.
Look at The Stately Homes thread on here - have a look at the CODA website to see if you have co dependent issues - sadly families place us in positions that make us co dependent.
Do something nice for yourself.🌺

Your DS is a smart young man.

Listen to your DS. He's right.

So, I turned my phone on and rang and told her I will not be going to the hospital appointment. She asked why, so I said that I have not been to any appointment she has had ever, so why should I start now?

Apparently I should make the effort as she is ill. I pointed out that I am also ill, and was dismissed as being over dramatic. I said that I am still not going, and that my phone would be switched off apart from 1 time in the morning and 1 time at about tea time. I will have my burner phone that the DC's and DH can contact me on from tomorrow.

Other than that, she can contact DH (who is fine with this) if there is a real emergency. I am currently under the care of the MH crisis team, but that is rubbish as well according to her.

Is she in rehab as in 'care of the elderly' rehabilitation for activities of daily living? Washing, dressing cooking etc? Where l live there is definitely hospital transport for that!

Yes, she has hospital transport available. She wanted me to meet her at the hospital for the appointment.

Good for you op, well done! You need to put yourself first

This doesn't sound like it's about her being ill, more about you being at her beck and call. And I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like she cares for your well-being. Has she ever? Your DH and DS sound like they've got your back, keep listening to them.

@ModreB

I had a very similar relationship with my mother, and similar difficulties with my MH.

After my father’s death 18 months ago a plan was cooked up (without my knowledge) to have my mother move close to me so that I could be her carer, chauffeur and ATM. When I realised and explained that I would not be playing that role, all hell broke loose and I received several absolutely horrible, nasty phone calls. My mother screamed down the phone and called me lots of terrible names. She finished by telling not to contact her or my sister ever again and I took her at her word. Of course, that didn’t last long and she and my sister have contacted me a couple of times saying that they want me to visit. No apologies. No acknowledgement of how badly they have both behaved - my sister has done some terrible things to me - and I believe that they want me back to resume business as usual and to take care of my mother.

It’s almost a year since I took up no contact when it was offered and I do feel better without either of them in my life. I still sometimes feel guilty, but that is my training, and I do sometimes miss having a family - they are all involved with my mother and sister - so have all been poisoned against me I guess. I wasn’t told about a family member’s death late last year for example. But overall it is the right thing to do for me.

Why would I allow ‘family’ to treat me so badly when I would never accept that behaviour from ‘friends’?

My golden rule now is to keep away from people who deliberately hurt me because I have had enough pain.

Is this a routine hospital appointment or is it possible there is something more serious? Could it be that she is scared and just wishes for some emotional support for possible bad news? If the latter then it may be best to try and help her.

@onedaywillmissthis it's a routine appointment, and my aunt has already agreed to go with her. I have tried to help her, but she won't help herself.

An example, She rings and asks me to do her weekly shop, so I set up a Tesco account for her so she can do her shopping and choose for herself what to buy. Because what I buy is never quite right.

They will deliver to her kitchen if needed. She said that it was too hard to understand how to do it. But, she has a Kindle E-Reader and a Tablet and downloads books all the time. I said the process is the same, and she cried at me.

I think I've 'just' got it with my own mum.

They want everything their way.
They can't accept 'no' because they don't have the maturity to deal with 'no'.

But in life you don't get everything your own way all the time.

Your mum is being a child.

How would you treat a child ?

If your beloved 3 year old wanted to stay up watching cartoons till midnight and eat chocolate - what would you say?

Same with your mum.

Say No.
Be firm.
Be pleasant.

You are the grown up.
She is the child.

Drop the guilt.
It gets easier with practice.

And don't be drawn into an argument.
Teenagers can argue till the cows come home.

This is the mentality of your mum.

Love her, but let her grown up.

Has she any friends, a social life? It’s stifling, being relied upon like this. I know from experience.

@Robin2323 thank you for understanding. My biggest problem is that other family won't let her get on with it, they constantly swoop in and rescue her, and then I am the bad guy for refusing to engage.

Up until she became ill earlier this year, she had a very active social life, out every day doing different activities, crafts etc. Some of her friends have been to visit, but she finds it too upsetting for them to see her.

It's just that now she expects me to fill that gap, and I can't, physically or mentally.

Is the rehab to enable her to live alone? Is she quite elderly?
If this is the case is she possibly entitled to a care package, which would lighten the load. Does your area have a Reach team?

It doesn’t have to be all black and white. Just tell her how much time you can devote to support her. Yes, she will be angry but she also has to help herself. Instead of ringing you to run errands/provide a lift several times a week, she can put most of what she needs on a few hours (like stoping at the supermarket on the way back from appointment rather than doing two different trips)

If she kicks off, you stay firm. If she is nasty, then you ignore her calls until she starts to behave herself.

Mind you, it took 3 years of NC to deal with MIL’s attitude/rudeness, but now she is very careful not to overstep the line. She now knows I can dump her like a hot potato no problem.

Good luck!