My DS has told me to go NC with my mother.

[ModreB]

I had a very limited relationship with my DM for years. We would see each other for a couple of hours a week, and that was it. In March, she became very ill, and I, as her only daughter stepped up and visited every day, She has recently been discharged to a rehab unit, but constantly calls wanting me to shop, cook, order take aways, clothes, etc.

I had a bit of a breakdown, and my DR told me to completely detach for at least a week to rest. This was on last Wednesday. She rang me today, saying she has a hospital appointment on Thursday, and that I've had my week off so need to take her. I was having quite a good day, but as soon as she rang, I sort of crashed again.

I spoke to my DS, 26yo, who said I should turn off my phone, get a burner phone, give the numer to the people that need it and ignore her. He does love her, but knows what she is like.

I do not know what to do next. If I withdraw, she will have nobody, but if I get involved, it will make me unwell.

It is very difficult when parents become elderly and more frail especially when they have been used to 'managing' the family and pretty much getting their own way. I want to help ...it isn't great becoming frailer and losing some independence ....but I don't want to be taken over.

I think you need to decide what is acceptable to you and stick to your guns. Have you gone through the procedure of ordering shopping with her from start to finish op? I would do that very patiently once and totally make sure she gets it. Not doing it for her. Opening the site and ordering one item then say right ...you order the next item and so on right to paying. Then there is no doubt in your or her mind that she can do it. Some old people really do lack confidence when it comes to technology. Once you're satisfied she can do it make it clear that all main shopping and heavy items are to be done by her.

I would be prepared to pick up the odd loaf of bread/milk ext between main shops but would only do this when I was shopping anyway. Everyone's ability to do these things/relationships with parents and tolerance levels are different. Decide what yours are and stick to your guns op.

She is not particularly elderly, she's 75yo. She just seems to have given up, and want me to take up the slack, without any effort on her part. She won't even try to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, and then demands that I buy more incontinence pads that she could easily get in the complex that she is in. They have an onsite pharmacy. I told her to get the carers to get some (she has the cash) and she didn't want that. She wanted me to go and get them and bring them to her.

She is due to be discharged to her original flat, which is 2 hours away for me, as I use public transport. I told her that if she goes back there, she will be completely isolated, as none of the family will be able to get to her if she needs help.

I have been through the process of shopping online, but she decided she didn't like it. She couldn't feel the vegetables, although she is only eating ready meals at the moment, so never asks for vegetables.

I mean 2 hours each way for me.

She would rather use incontinence pads then go the toilet?? Is she physically able to get out of bed? Is her behaviour a control thing or has she MH issues?

@bookworm4, I think both, but she has has several assesments and is classed as having full capacity. The GP said she sort of falls into an in between hole between capacity and non-capacity. She is sharp enough to manage her finances etc, but then decides she can't manage getting to the bathroom or her toilet. She has some physical pain, but can still get to the kitchen for biscuits.

Anyway, after talking to DH tonight, I think I'm done. My MH has taken a real battering, and I have been referred to the MH Crisis Team, which is not good. I told her to speak to DH if she needs something urgently.

I must say, that my DH has been an absolute super star through all of this, and said that I must make my own decisions that he would support either way.

Well done op.
My dh is the same.
They can see what we can't because they haven't been 'brain' washed like is.

Luckily my sister can see it for what it is.

But don't let people make you the guy.

If they want to 'enable' I say let them.

Does it get you off the hook?

You need to look after yourself. Your ds is right.

She has friends and other family, so don’t feel guilty. Your DS is right.

I am reminded of my MIL, who was a very difficult person, but was devoted to her family. Again, I respected her, but she never really forgave me for stealing her only son, DH has 4 younger sisters. She did mellow when I had 3x DS who had regular contact with her through DH.

She, MIL, refused all medical attention, and when she was really ill had to be bullied (by me) to go to hospital, but it was sort of like I knew what to do to get her there from experience.

She died a couple of years ago, and DH is saying that what he couldn't see about his Mum, I could see, and what I can't see about my Mum, he can.

Very true - it's hard to see it when you're in the middle of it.

You're doing everything right - boundaries of steel are sometimes required in life.

@weezol, I like that. Boundaries of steel. Yes, I do like that.

Anyway, DS3 and DS2 are coming out with me and DH for a day trip tomorrow, I will make a picnic, and we will have a lovely time. DS1 I saw last weekend but can't come tomorrow, buts thats OK, we'll take lots of photos.

Good.
Have a nice time.
'Boundaries of
steel ' - perfect.

I thought of it because of the cartoon Batfink, catchphrase 'My wings are like a shield of steel'.

My boundaries are like a shield of steel - it took me a boatload of counselling to learn to deploy them effectively!