Option A or Option B

[Expergefactor]

I’m in a ball on the couch bawling crying. I know that might sound self-pitying but I’ve been holding this all in for so long I’m ready to explode. I’m at a crossroads and the decisions I make have serious consequences. Please help!

Option A

1. Separate from H after 18 month marriage. Terrible unemotional relationship with my religious mother. I visited her for a week and she never asks how I am etc. Zero emotional support. Cannot bring myself to tell her. She’s very religious & trust me when I say she will not approve.

1. Move out and find a place to live alone. I’m not exactly loaded. I’ve tried lots of house-shares but most want someone younger, so no joy yet!

1. Start all over again as a 40 year old Singleton.

Option B

1. Accept that my marriage isn’t all that great but suck it up because he’s good around the house, he’s active & would be a good father even if we don’t really click & I feel angry at how I’ve been treated.

1. Rest easy knowing I don’t have to disrupt my family’s expectations.

1. Have a much more financially stable life (I earn my own money but cannot afford to buy alone).

1. Potentially have a child, which I really want.

Please help! I’m driving myself crazy with this.

If you go with B you’ll just end up divorcing in 5-10 years anyway.

And you don’t know for sure that you’ll be able to have children (or he may be infertile) but you DO know that you’ll be unhappy.

A. Start over and meet someone you are better suited to.

But you'll probably do B as would most poeple.

Start over ffs! At least bring a child into a happy environment initially!?

We need more info really.

When you say "your marriage isn't all that great" what do you mean?

Do you love him? Has it always been "not that great" or is this a recent development? Any obvious changes or new causes? Any prospect it might change?

If it is only 18 months, how long have you been together before that and why did you marry him?

How old are you? (relevant to child question)

I'd forget about your family, your mother and all the rest of it. The key issue is the future of the marriage, why you feel the way you do and whether it is worth preserving.

If its suddenly got worse because say he's got a new job, travelling a lot has no time for you and your depressed - things may improve. If its been bad from the start, you may be better cutting your losses now.

Dont worry about what your family thinks its your life! If you have a child with H when you are not sure it will likely lead to future divorce anyway

A

You don't bring a child into a marriage where there will be resentment. If you are to be a mother one day, you have to be better than that.

If you do option b option a will be out of reach for many many years in financial terms. Doesn't seem wise. Plus poor kids dont bring them into this situation.
On option a, why is your marriage this bad within 18 months. Was it good before? What happened and could you put it right? Or was it ever this and you've just realized.
I'd do a, but in theory.

A. The resentment will build and you'll end up divorcing anyway. Start again now.

Pragmatically, at 40, wanting kids? What would I do?

B.

But remain financially indepedent. Get an au pair or nanny if you have to, but don't depend financially on him. Make sure you have an emergency fund to hire a solicitor and rehouse yourself and children.

It's not an option without significant risk. You need to go into it very aware that it could work out ... or go badly, badly awry.

Same as @PicInRed, I'd probably have the child, and then go. But you are still stick with him in your life forever then. But it depends on what 'bad treatment' you're talking about. Is he just obnoxious, and not good at considering your feelings, or is he an absolute bastard?

I'm just trying to reconcile someone who would be a 'good father' with someone who has treated you in a way which makes you so angry.

Really?

You’d both knowingly pull the wool over his eyes and commit him to 18+ years of child support (and continued contact with someone who fucked him over - ie you)?

That’s not pragmatism; it’s selfish, nasty and fraudulent.

What has he done to make you angry about how you have been treated?

Paterpower, that interpretation assumes the man has no interest in having a child himself and would get nothing out of fatherhood. Presumably it's an option within the relationship because he does want dc.

A. Life is too short for a miserable relationship. Talk to friends. Get support. See a therapist. Don't be the architect of your own despair

Option A if you are unhappy in the marriage and things can't be saved. A child won't help matters.

Be kind to yourself

A- is you choose B you will be miserable for the rest of you life. At least with A there is a chance of happiness.

If you do have a child in B, you will not only be miserable, but you would have a child growing up in a miserable home learning how to also have a miserable life and expecting no better.

Disregard your mother, really what exactly do you get out of trying to maintain a meaningful relationship with her anyway? Chose a superficial one, if you can distance yourself you’ll be happier in the long run.

How much do you want a child?

If you don’t select A now, you’ll go for option B later anyway.

Write yourself a list of pros and cons of both, don’t let anyone see it though. And see a counsellor to talk it through as you need to identify what you want the most, what you can and can’t accept, etc.

@category12
So you wouldn’t mind if a guy deliberately got you pregnant, knowing he didn’t love or want to be with you long term, and got you to keep the pregnancy on the back of false promises?

Then left some months / a few years later because he’d now had the child(ren) he wanted and was happy to crack on with shared parenting?

OP’s DP might well want children within a committed relationship and where he gets to see them every day/night. He might feel very differently knowing how OP feels about him and knowing he’s likely to get 50:50 (at very best) or (and much more likely) to see his DC EOW with a weekly overnight. And even then, not until the DC are old enough to do overnights away from OP AND assuming the OP doesn’t put any obstacles in the way of contact.

Whether you personally believe it’s right or wrong, the fact is that separated mothers will generally get much more time with their young DC than the fathers will. It’s a different level of impact for most Dads.

What isn't great about your marriage?
Are the issues something you can work on?
Through counselling or talking and getting plans in place to improve things?
How old is your DH?
Does he definitely want children?
Do YOU want children with this man?

OP - it not that clear from your post why you are so unhappy with H.
You married him recently - so must have been happy enough to do so?
Have you possibly been trying for a baby since the wedding and that put a strain on the marriage?
I have seen many women in your age group yearning for a baby and driven to dark places when that doesn’t happen....

Given the options you outlined and with no additional information, i’d say Option C....
Try to get that baby, don’t wait as you don’t really have time - do IVF.
Try to work on the relationship and then re-assess.

Op do not bring a child into this please.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

oh, and did I say, A?

Why waste your time on someone you don't want to be with? Please do not have a child with him...it really isn't the right thing to do. If you just want a child, get a sperm donor, be a single parent and meet someone else more deserving of you.

A
You haven’t really said enough about why you want to end your marriage but I certainly wouldn’t want to link the rest of my life to someone I’m not happy with, let alone conceive a child who would be 50% his genetically.

The situation with your mother should be considered separately from your living and financial circumstances. Your answer to her disapproval is ‘we made a mistake’ No more, no less.

Thanks for all of your responses ...

As for why I’m unhappy (ish) is we’re not all that compatible ... the relationship has had 2 break-ups & we got married with a sense of hope. It’s just not that bad! By being with him, I’ve lost all perspective of what a happy relationship is. I feel frequently disappointed by him (e.g. getting me nothing for our first married birthday together). I’m the romantic one in the relationship. We speak different ‘love languages’ (or whatever the hell they’re calling it!!) H really wants kids. We tried on & off for over 6 months & then stopped having sex altogether.

We get on great with others but when we’re alone, not so much ... we disagree on so much. Yet I do care very deeply about him. He’s kind, active & forgiving. I’m scared of being alone & turning in to a depressed wreck!!

We’ve done counseling but we went in to it saying we wanted to separate but came out of it with H saying he wants to try again ... confuzzled!