Option A or Option B

[Expergefactor]

I’m in a ball on the couch bawling crying. I know that might sound self-pitying but I’ve been holding this all in for so long I’m ready to explode. I’m at a crossroads and the decisions I make have serious consequences. Please help!

Option A

1. Separate from H after 18 month marriage. Terrible unemotional relationship with my religious mother. I visited her for a week and she never asks how I am etc. Zero emotional support. Cannot bring myself to tell her. She’s very religious & trust me when I say she will not approve.

1. Move out and find a place to live alone. I’m not exactly loaded. I’ve tried lots of house-shares but most want someone younger, so no joy yet!

1. Start all over again as a 40 year old Singleton.

Option B

1. Accept that my marriage isn’t all that great but suck it up because he’s good around the house, he’s active & would be a good father even if we don’t really click & I feel angry at how I’ve been treated.

1. Rest easy knowing I don’t have to disrupt my family’s expectations.

1. Have a much more financially stable life (I earn my own money but cannot afford to buy alone).

1. Potentially have a child, which I really want.

Please help! I’m driving myself crazy with this.

I would go for A but that's only suitable if you're ready to accept that something better just might not come along quickly, or at all and it sounds like you do deserve better.

If you go for option A, you need to be ready to not start again as a '40 year old singleton' but as a woman who is in a loving relationship with herself and cares about herself enough to leave an unfulfilling relationship.
Don't spend the next however many years being just as miserable as you are now because you're looking for that special someone, make the most of that time to live life to the fullest.

The big question, as someone asked, is how much do I want a child & can things be worked on...the relationship has never been ‘right’ but it’s not that bad! I’m permanently confused & struggling to make a decision I won’t regret! I’m surprised this is my life at this stage ... !

Option c. Do what you have to do right now to make you happy and stop worrying about other people's expectations and future ramifications which you have no control over anyway.

You could stay and still not get pregnant and waste more time in an unhappy relationship for no good reason other than to kee family members happy. (these family members might not really give a shit what you do and something else could happen in their lives which changes things) Or if you do get pregnant and you could still be desperately unhappy as a mother or because eyou are stuck with him or going through a messy divorce with the added complication of children. Who knows what could happen if you leave but can it really be much worse than staying?

A child on your own is much better than a child with the wrong man.

I can’t afford a child on my own. My job is demanding hours-wise, so childcare would be out of the question. I’m okay with that as I know it’s just not an option .

I just can’t decide what to do! We’ve been half-breaking up for almost a year now. Crappy for us both. I’d love to work things out but I still feel upset/angry at him over things he’s said/done. I’m not perfect either but he’d be happy to keep going as is.

Can I just give ye some context? We had a silly flight this morning (both equally at fault) but he said ‘you’re such a f**king pain in the hole’ & later on he compared me to a mentally ill lady he knows. He also snapped at me in front of his mother & apologized afterwards but I felt like crap.

Later, we went on a gorgeous walk with our dogs which I enjoyed & I had a nice time with his family, who I get on well with. If we were broken up, none of that would’ve happened. It’s hot then cold...

I’d lose a great deal of my social life if I lost him but I feel like a chump allowing the bar to be set so low ...

Does any of this make sense to ye?

You don't live with his family tho. You live with the jerk who speaks to you like that.

Definitely A - life is too short to be unhappy

Thanks ... yeah I saw his family this weekend but hadn’t seen them for 4 months before that. Hardly worth hanging on to a marriage for.

I feel like such a fool!

I feel like one of those people who are so deep in to something that they can’t see they’re in it!

But how the heck do I find the strength to leave a non-monster? I live far from my own family & close friends & due to my job, that cannot change any time soon. It’s going to take a lot of strength to ‘break free’ & I really don’t know if I can!

I bawled crying on the way home tonight, we came home & he suggested a TV show I like! I refused so now he’s downstairs watching a show he likes. 🙈

Does anyone have any encouraging words from their own experience of separation/divorce or other? How did you cope at this stage? I’m starting to feel so down about this and I don’t know if I can leave him. I’m feeling so lonely already.

Splitting up with my ex was the best decision I ever made. It was a weight lifted. I didn't really realise just how unhappy I had been until I was out of it.

(In fairness, exh was very good - went quietly and didn't fight me for anything (not that we had any assets) but he signed off the tenancy and let me have residency. And he's a better dad as a EOW dad.)

Thanks, category12. Interesting how you didn't realise how unhappy you were until you got out...that's often the case.

My problem is he's not that bad! I rely on him for company and companionship but there's so much tension between us and I feel he says nasty things and snaps easily. We've broken up in the past and I've always gone back. I've done counselling. I really don't know what the hell to do at this crossroads besides asking about other people's experiences. None of my friends can relate so I'm interested in hearing from people who can.

But a tense and nasty companion isn't better than none, surely? Get a dog instead.

While you stay with him, your chances of improving your situation aren't great - you'll get what you've always got with him. If you start over, you've the potential to meet someone else. While you're walking your dog.