Hi All,
I wanted some advice from people that are not involved in my inner circle of friends or family. Maybe some more impartial advice.
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years. We were engaged to be married and had a wedding booked for July next year. We have lived together for 2 years. He has a 9 year old daughter who comes to stay with us every other weekend. I am 33, he is 35 years old. I would consider myself to be a catch with a very good job, lots of friends and a lovely family.
We have recently been arguing much more frequently and it appeared that he was 'checking out' of our relationship. He has been more distant over the last few weeks following an argument about money. The arguments became more frequent as I think I was becoming anxious that things weren't working out and we had a wedding planned. We have had lots of arguments throughout our relationship and it hasn't always been smooth sailing. The arguments have been very difficult at times.
He recently sat me down and explained that he had been unhappy due to the arguments and due to a couple of other reasons which we decided to work on (one being that he felt that I was not always prioritising his daughter). He also said that the wedding being close was an additional pressure upon us. We agreed to push the wedding back. I was making enquiries about this.
He works away Monday to Friday in Manchester (we live in London). I see him only at weekends and we have his daughter every other weekend who lives around 1 hour away with her mother. I have a good relationship with her. This placed pressure upon our relationship due to the lack of contact.
Three weeks ago I came home from work and saw him at the top of our street waiting for his lift to go to Manchester for work. I waited for him to leave and kissed him goodbye.
When I walked down to the house we share (which is my house I purchased before us meeting), I went inside to find things looking different. There were photographs of his daughter that had been taken from their frames. I was confused at first so called him. No response. I suddenly felt a wave of panic. He had left me.
I went upstairs to find a letter from him. The letter said that he had packed all of his things whilst I was gone as this was the only way he could do this. He explained that we have been trying to make things work for some time and that despite the love we have for each other, we cannot make things work. He explained that he felt I would be happier without him and that this may be possible for him too. He stated 'this is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make as you are the best girl I have ever met. I'm sat here crying as I really don't want to leave you but I know that I have to so that we can be okay'. He explained that we aren't making each other happy and that he thinks I am better off without him. He then signed it off telling me he loves me.
This was three weeks ago and I've had no contact with him since. He has not called, text or anything.
The weekend prior to this we spent together and things seemed to be happy. We had a nice weekend, shopping, going to the gym and going for a nice walk. We had even looked at a house for sale in an area where we would like to purchase. We booked a holiday the week prior to Spain in August which we had both paid for.
He met with a friend last week (his friend who thinks very highly of me). She called to inform me that he told her that he had been very unhappy recently. She explained that he had blamed me for a few different things and stated that I had not been understanding enough regarding his daughter. She had advised him that perhaps he was in the wrong to have ended things with me as I clearly care and love him dearly. He told her that he knew that he had to make contact with me but that he was too 'anxious' to do so. She explained that he did not seem happy within himself and that he seems to have a low opinion of himself. She reported that he was very upset and cried and old her he felt confused.
I've had nothing from him.
He has definitely not met anyone else. His working hours and the time spent with me would not allow for this.
I know that the way in which he has left is completely terrible. I am unbelievably hurt that we could not have had a conversation about the issues and come to some sort of resolution together. I see that this was very cowardly but I still love him dearly.
I have not cheated or caused him harm. There were no deal breakers. The relationship was difficult at times, due to a clash in personalities and my partner finding it hard to communicate however we had improved on this over our time living together and seemed to be making progress. He asked me to marry him a year ago and was certain that he wanted to be with me as we were going to start a family.
He is currently staying with a friend who has two children and a wife. He is only there at weekends. He will then have to find somewhere to rent as he has no savings to buy a house.
My question is... what do I do now? I have gone no contact on him to give him space to breathe and reflect. Do I leave him to live with his choices or should I reach out and explain that we need to talk? I am conscious that he may now feel that he is unable to contact me due to the upset he has caused. He may be regretting the decision but feels he cannot do anything about it? I feel that he was very confused when he left and had some sort of breakdown due to the pressures of the wedding combined with the arguments.
This was a very serious long-term committed relationship where we have a wedding booked. I have a dress, we have a venue.
I feel I need answers and want to put my views across as I feel that the relationship is worth fighting for. I would even suggest couples counselling. I am very upset and have barely slept or eaten for days. This is really unlike him to do this in this way. He is a very caring, sensitive soul and wants a family. We were very much in love before the end.
Is this salvageable and if so, do I need to express how I am feeling and try and meet with him, or should I let him think about his actions and realise that life is not the same without me? We had such a promising future ahead of us.
Thanks in advance.
Leanne x