Advice regarding recent relationship ending.

[Love2019]

Hi All,

I wanted some advice from people that are not involved in my inner circle of friends or family. Maybe some more impartial advice.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years. We were engaged to be married and had a wedding booked for July next year. We have lived together for 2 years. He has a 9 year old daughter who comes to stay with us every other weekend. I am 33, he is 35 years old. I would consider myself to be a catch with a very good job, lots of friends and a lovely family.

We have recently been arguing much more frequently and it appeared that he was 'checking out' of our relationship. He has been more distant over the last few weeks following an argument about money. The arguments became more frequent as I think I was becoming anxious that things weren't working out and we had a wedding planned. We have had lots of arguments throughout our relationship and it hasn't always been smooth sailing. The arguments have been very difficult at times.

He recently sat me down and explained that he had been unhappy due to the arguments and due to a couple of other reasons which we decided to work on (one being that he felt that I was not always prioritising his daughter). He also said that the wedding being close was an additional pressure upon us. We agreed to push the wedding back. I was making enquiries about this.

He works away Monday to Friday in Manchester (we live in London). I see him only at weekends and we have his daughter every other weekend who lives around 1 hour away with her mother. I have a good relationship with her. This placed pressure upon our relationship due to the lack of contact.

Three weeks ago I came home from work and saw him at the top of our street waiting for his lift to go to Manchester for work. I waited for him to leave and kissed him goodbye.

When I walked down to the house we share (which is my house I purchased before us meeting), I went inside to find things looking different. There were photographs of his daughter that had been taken from their frames. I was confused at first so called him. No response. I suddenly felt a wave of panic. He had left me.

I went upstairs to find a letter from him. The letter said that he had packed all of his things whilst I was gone as this was the only way he could do this. He explained that we have been trying to make things work for some time and that despite the love we have for each other, we cannot make things work. He explained that he felt I would be happier without him and that this may be possible for him too. He stated 'this is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make as you are the best girl I have ever met. I'm sat here crying as I really don't want to leave you but I know that I have to so that we can be okay'. He explained that we aren't making each other happy and that he thinks I am better off without him. He then signed it off telling me he loves me.

This was three weeks ago and I've had no contact with him since. He has not called, text or anything.

The weekend prior to this we spent together and things seemed to be happy. We had a nice weekend, shopping, going to the gym and going for a nice walk. We had even looked at a house for sale in an area where we would like to purchase. We booked a holiday the week prior to Spain in August which we had both paid for.

He met with a friend last week (his friend who thinks very highly of me). She called to inform me that he told her that he had been very unhappy recently. She explained that he had blamed me for a few different things and stated that I had not been understanding enough regarding his daughter. She had advised him that perhaps he was in the wrong to have ended things with me as I clearly care and love him dearly. He told her that he knew that he had to make contact with me but that he was too 'anxious' to do so. She explained that he did not seem happy within himself and that he seems to have a low opinion of himself. She reported that he was very upset and cried and old her he felt confused.

I've had nothing from him.

He has definitely not met anyone else. His working hours and the time spent with me would not allow for this.

I know that the way in which he has left is completely terrible. I am unbelievably hurt that we could not have had a conversation about the issues and come to some sort of resolution together. I see that this was very cowardly but I still love him dearly.

I have not cheated or caused him harm. There were no deal breakers. The relationship was difficult at times, due to a clash in personalities and my partner finding it hard to communicate however we had improved on this over our time living together and seemed to be making progress. He asked me to marry him a year ago and was certain that he wanted to be with me as we were going to start a family.

He is currently staying with a friend who has two children and a wife. He is only there at weekends. He will then have to find somewhere to rent as he has no savings to buy a house.

My question is... what do I do now? I have gone no contact on him to give him space to breathe and reflect. Do I leave him to live with his choices or should I reach out and explain that we need to talk? I am conscious that he may now feel that he is unable to contact me due to the upset he has caused. He may be regretting the decision but feels he cannot do anything about it? I feel that he was very confused when he left and had some sort of breakdown due to the pressures of the wedding combined with the arguments.

This was a very serious long-term committed relationship where we have a wedding booked. I have a dress, we have a venue.

I feel I need answers and want to put my views across as I feel that the relationship is worth fighting for. I would even suggest couples counselling. I am very upset and have barely slept or eaten for days. This is really unlike him to do this in this way. He is a very caring, sensitive soul and wants a family. We were very much in love before the end.

Is this salvageable and if so, do I need to express how I am feeling and try and meet with him, or should I let him think about his actions and realise that life is not the same without me? We had such a promising future ahead of us.

Thanks in advance.

Leanne x

I was about to recommend Runaway Husbands but I was a few minutes too late!

He planned his exit carefully, left whilst you weren't around and is blaming you. This is pretty classic. It is likely there is someone else or a potential someone else. Your partner is young for a midlife crisis. He may be just selfish, immature and conflict avoidant.

It may not feel it but you have had a lucky escape. Cancel the wedding. Sell the dress. Move on.

Thanks for all of your responses.

i agree he did a favour to you by leaving.
you didnt see each other often. him away during the week, then daughter with you every other week.
there maybe ow.

There could be other reasons at play here - he may be depressed, for instance. But if that’s true then he needs to help himself by getting treatment and I think you need to try and accept that this is over and move on with your life.

TBH, you sound like you’re in a much more stable position than him, which is probably causing some of the mismatch. You have your own home and a settled job. He’s working a four hour commute away and has no savings (and some debt, which I suspect he’s minimised to you).

Just out of curiosity, what was he intending to do about work once you married? Surely he wasn’t going to continue working so far away?

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it hurts and you will go through stages of grief. Trust me, been there done that. I was meant to be getting married in August but cancelled due to the ex fiance having a wobble.

You need to look after yourself, invest in yourself and stop worrying about what he is going to do. Unless a miracle happens and you are prepared to forgive this betrayal if he comes back then I think you are going to have to take the stand and cancel the wedding. Maybe in time you guys will be able to repair the damage that he has inflicted but for now that would be the first step. Just remember its not you, as much as he may try to turn it around this is on him and what a cowardly way to break it to someone - thats not love thats cowardice.

Thanks all. I still have heard nothing so will move on with my life as best I can. Like you say, the debts and the way in which he left show more about his character. Maybe I have been saved from a terrible experience in the future. I just wanted to have a family and I am so worried this will not happen for me now at 34.

of course it will happen. look at meghan. she married at 37 and have a child.

I am sorry OP for what has happened to you ..so painful
I hope you are able to get past this as best and as fast as you can
Do not let this stop you getting what you want from life

I do however think there is another woman involved...maybe when he is away.He may not be with this person yet but there is something going on..He may have some woman on the horizon or fancies someone..

Ad why do I think this ?
I have yet to meet a man who left a woman to be by himself . They dont do it ...They always have another one lined up or have desires on someone even if it doesn't work out

Sorry ...please don't let him hurt you even more.
You deserve better

You have DEFINITELY been saved form worse in the future. What a cowardly cunt at best, and psychopath at worst - to do the play-act before you found what he'd done - that takes a special kind of empathy-lack.

He's with another woman right now, I'd bet money on it.

At 34 you are still younger than you think, and thank god you didn't get lumbered with this shithead's DNA.

Good luck in your new, better, life OP x

I think your fear of the unknown and clock ticking is clouding your judgement and you are clutching at straws a bit. It’s sad as these things always are. He walked away and you need to grieve this now and move on.

OP, you sound like a great woman.

But you sound like a scared woman
Scared of not having a family.
34 is nothing.
You have lots of time.
MN is full of great stories of women meeting great men in their late 30's and 40's.

I agree with other poster's.
You didn't have a great relationship.
You didn't see enough of each other.
Rows.
Distrust.
The way he left was beyond cowardly.
You couldn't do that to someone you really love.
You hearing about how he is feeling from his friend is the BS that teen-agers go on with.

You need to grieve, accept it's over. You have dodged a bullet as far as I am concerned.

You have a great future ahead of you.
Be kind to yourself and things will work out.

Do not contact him.
There is no going back from this.

Honestly OP, it might not feel like it now, but you've dodged a bullet there. Running away like that is so cowardly-imagine if you'd actually married and had children with him. You've got the chance to make a clean break-grab it with both hands.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me 4 years ago, very similar situation. I was absolutely crushed. I did not contact him at all and let him go. It was unbelievably painful. There was someone else in the wings and that crushed me to pulp when I discovered the real reason he left not the one he told me which was similar to yours. Fast forward 4 years....one year after he left he went on a rescue mission to get me back, mountains of emails, texts, begging. I refused to go back. He still is with the one he left me for but still emails me to check whether I would still consider returning to him...the emails get deleted. I am still single but very, very happy and realise in hind sight we were not well matched. You will, after time apart, will realise he was not the right one for you. Take time to heal and live your life fully.

the arguments about money - the fact that you own the house and he will have to rent ? Is this more of a power struggle or him feeling inadequate in front of his daughter ? I think there must be more to this ? perhaps the wedding/house thing means he is scared of financial commitment ?

@litterbird

"Better an empty stable, than a bad horse"

Well done you👍

This happened to me op. I went to work after what had been a normal morning together and I watched him get into his car and drive off.

A couple of hours later I got a call from him at work asking me where did I want him to send my stuff.

My colleague knew something was wrong and asked me to put call on hold, told her what he said and she gave her address immediately. 17 years on and we are still friends.

I went on to marry him and he bet the shit out of me for 15 years.

What a wicked thing for him to leave like that. What an absolute cunt.

Sending you lots of love and hugs x

This is a terrible agony for you, an awful shock, a dreadful humiliation, I completely understand why you are trying to find a way to salvage the relationship I would be the same in your shoes.
But the writing is on the wall here, it's over and you are better off without him
give yourself time to heal and process everything you will be ok 🤗

I was in that same situation many years ago. The words in the letter your ex left you compared to my ex at the time are almost identical and very similar. It transpired later on that there was indeed another woman. Also, what grown man cannot tell you this face to face after sharing a life together? Only a total loser with no backbone.

You sound very together and he, quite frankly, sounds weak and messy. Blaming you for the breakup via his daughter is extremely manipulative, this is clearly not the reason.

I agree with many of the posters here that it was not as good a relationship as you thought it was, or should I say - wanted it to be. I suspect some power/control issues here. Story being: Weak (possibly passive aggressive) man gets with capable women, then starts resenting it, feels out of control, can't articulate what it is that is happening, but feels, on some unconscience level - angry, so 'stabs' her (metaphorically) under the table, blames anything at hand (daughter, arguments). Leaves in a cowardly fashion so that he is not pressed to explain anything.

The debts issues and related dishonesty and then you working hard to sort it out for him and the relationship is telling also. I wonder if on some level you knew (or thought) you were in control?? A passive aggressive man will attract stronger women, then ending up hating them for it.

Although I don't agree that all men only leave when they have another women in their sights (this is such bullshit) It would not entirely surprise me in this case if there was (perhaps a close friendship developing?) - again, the fishing around for, and presenting a convenient 'reason' are classic.

Lastly - why the hell do people insist on getting married? The dress and all that BS - what the hell is it all about? A pointless ritual. Thankgod you didn't - you would have given away half your equity - just like that. Read some threads on here to see the misery and mess this legal entanglement drags people into. If people must insist on the empty ritualistic display that is marriage, then get a pre-nup and only do it for the security of offspring. Everything else is meaningless. A waste of money. What for? - illusory status.

I’m so sorry he has been such a coward OP. He really doesn’t deserve you. To play along saying goodbye to you knowing what you’d be walking into a few minutes later is cruel and callous beyond belief.

You have still got time to meet someone else. Dating often moves more quickly in your 30s as long as both parties are looking to settle down.

4 weeks on and no word from him. I am really struggling. The lack of closure is making me unwell as I cannot stop thinking about the reasons behind his departure.

So far, no sign of any other woman. I really do not believe (and I am very realistic) that he has left me for someone else. I truly do believe that he did love me. He has put a deposit down on a house to rent. He is not showing any signs of being sad.

It was my birthday last week and it was the worst one I've had. Living alone in this house, wondering where he is and what he is thinking.

I know I need to focus on me. I know I need to stop thinking about him in order to move on. But I loved him and we shared a life together and made significant plans for our future.

The exit was not carefully planned due to conversations we have had recently and with the booking of a holiday. We also had a pleasant weekend.

He has lost everything at 35 and I am just completely humiliated and confused.

Completely feel every inch of pain you’re feeling, this was me 14 months ago.. except we was married, together 11 years and married.. at 28 I thought my entire world had fallen out of my arse.
Much like you we had trips booked & he had text me that lunchtime calling me his “perfect wifey” and saying how much he loved me .. he came home from work. We had dinner together and then he got in bed and started crying and told me he didn’t love me anymore.. much like yours he fed me the lines of how I was “the most amazing women in the world” and how I “deserved better” blah blah.. and that was it.. 12 years together, a mortgage and a marriage and he walked away from it like we had been together days. It’s hell, the lack of closure and having no idea what happened tortures you at the beginning but I promise with time you’ll find your own closure.. they sound fairly similar in the sense of not outwardly a shitty person but mine also hid some debt from me and couldn’t communicate he wasn’t happy.. the first I even heard he was unhappy was the day he left.
I could go on and on but don’t want to make this thread about me, so I just wanted to tell you that it’s shit but it does get better. Sadly I think there’s a page somewhere online and these men follow a script, so many women on here and on the runaway husbands page on Facebook have gone through the exact same thing with them pretty much saying the same thing word for word.
You sound like you’re switched on and not someone to be taken for a fool, keep that mindset up and don’t be ashamed to talk to friends and family. He’s a coward. I promise you it gets easier.. 14 months later and I can honestly say he did me the biggest favour and I swear to you I NEVER thought I’d say something like that but time and reflection are huge healers. X

*together 11 years and only married for 1 year