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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband gone to work despite me bleeding in pregnancy

38 replies

randomnamechange45 · 30/07/2019 09:43

I need to know if I'm overreacting.

I'm 11+6 pregnant with twins, my 12wk scan isn't until 13+6.
Woke up this morning to find bright red spots, which have continued for the next hour.
Told husband, and he went to work. Not usual work, or an important meeting, but a networking event which is an activity he will absolutely love doing. I have absolutely no doubt that if he'd have told his boss and the event organiser why he couldn't make it today, they'd have been fine. In my first pregnancy I had a panic attack, and his boss actually double checked with him to ensure he was going to meet me at the hospital rather than carry on working (he finished his work on the train on his way to hospital).

This isn't the first bleed I've had this pregnancy, I was bleeding about a month ago, but that was brown blood. I went to the hospital on my own then too as he'd just had a week off of work so didn't want to ask for the first Monday back off too. Yes, he could have gone in after scan.

I've managed to get a scan for tomorrow morning, and whilst I know there's nothing he can do today, I feel really let down! Would you feel let down or would you have happily packed DH off to work?

OP posts:
PeoniesarePink · 30/07/2019 09:44

I'd have sent him to work.

Keep time off for if he needs it - there's nothing you can do other than sit and worry.

Fingers crossed for you Flowers

Constance1234 · 30/07/2019 09:52

I would have been happy for my husband to go to work in these circumstances, but when I am worried or anxious about something I prefer to be on my own. If your husband knows you are not like that though, then he should have stayed with you. Hope everything turns out ok with your twins x

user1493413286 · 30/07/2019 09:58

My DH would go to work and has been to work when I’ve bled in my current pregnancy although he did leave work early for my scan although I demanded that.
My husband doesn’t get paid if he doesn’t go in though so it’s a bit different as it makes it very tight if he misses work.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/07/2019 10:00

I'd have sent him to work; given that there's not much that he can really do to help you right now, and I'd want to save the 'goodwill' from his employer in case I needed him urgently or later in the pregnancy.

Could you talk to him on the phone at lunch if his presence would help you feel less anxious? It's one of those situations where not much helps, in my experience.

I'm glad that you've got a scan for tomorrow; my fingers are tightly crossed for you Flowers

MeanMrMustardSeed · 30/07/2019 10:02

My DH went to work a few months ago when I woke up with bleeding at 23 weeks. I’m afraid it’s often a case of watching and waiting with these things, and so unless he can have unlimited time off, it’s best to keep it for when it’s really needed.

Mintjulia · 30/07/2019 10:03

I’d expect him to go to work. There is nothing he can do and you’ve booked a scan for tomorrow.

If he stayed at home, he’d just fidget, not have anything to do. I’d rather have a lazy warm bath & try to relax in preace.

NewMe2019 · 30/07/2019 10:11

I would have wanted the support OP. I hope everything's ok.

S1naidSucks · 30/07/2019 10:15

I think it depends on his attitude. If he was concerned about you, but felt that he needed to go to work, or was of no practical use at home, then I could understand somewhat. If he acted like it was a fuss over nothing or dismissive over your feelings, that’s a completely different problem and I’d be very concerned about his attitude to you generally.

midsummabreak · 30/07/2019 10:19

I would have wanted Dh with me if possible YANBU. Hope you and the twins are ok.
When I was about 10 weeks with my 3 rd pregnancy I lost one of my twins, the other was fine and is a really gorgeous very intelligent young man now.

Doormat247 · 30/07/2019 10:21

I wouldn't have expected him to stay home. Why wouldn't you want him to go to something he'd enjoy? Unless he's a doctor, there's not really anything he can do for you by staying at home with you.

borisisbonkers · 30/07/2019 10:23

yanbu he does sound a bit insensitive - did he ask caring questions? My DH would deal with things by going into practical provider mode because he would be panicking and being there would make him worse.

There isn't anything either of you can do but wait, objectively, but as with so many situations it is about feeling supported whether or not there is anything that someone else can do for you.

Waiting1987 · 30/07/2019 10:24

I went to work when I bled during pregnancy so wouldn't have expected him to stay off. It's such a worrying experience though.

I hope all is well Thanks

midsummabreak · 30/07/2019 10:27

Emotional support is very important. You are in this together and need to work as a team. This is about taking care of your partner and sharing with the bad times not only tge good times.

PG2018 · 30/07/2019 10:27

It's a really difficult one because nothing really can be done today but I completely understand you wanting the moral support. Hand hold for you op, hope your scan goes well tomorrow Thanks

borisisbonkers · 30/07/2019 10:31

do you have a friend or a relative that can sit with you today?

borisisbonkers · 30/07/2019 10:33

the other thing is, if he's acted like this twice, this is obviously his style for bad things happening - you need to talk to him if you expect him to behave differently and clearly outline expectations, OR, seek alternative support. I know my DH cares after we've had things out, he's panicking too and getting on with things is how he copes. You can see there are folk on this thread that cope like that too.

Original poster
randomnamechange45 · 30/07/2019 10:34

@midsummabreak my god, I'm so sorry. That's heartbreaking xx

Thank you everyone. I think the 'insensitive' part really rings true, and that's the bit that upsets me.

I totally appreciate you're all very right, there's nothing he could do etc, and I totally appreciate the world doesn't stop, but I guess I feel pretty low priority. There was absolutely no question as to whether or not he'd still go, he just went.

Yes he made caring and sensitive noises, although I think getting the vax carpet washer out for a spot of blood on the stairs wasn't his finest moment! I'm smirking as I wrote that!

I do have two close friends I could hang out with today, but both have suffered miscarriages in the last few years, so the last thing I want to do is for them to worry about me - especially if this could be nothing to worry about.

Oh well, only a few hours before he's home and I can hand baby over and have a bath. Thank you everyone, you've saved me making this 'a thing'.

OP posts:
mummywingingit · 30/07/2019 10:37

My husband would go to work, with the agreement of call if any changes and he would come back
I.e I was going to hospital for a check there and then.
He wouldn't stay at home with me if we were just staying at home resting.

borisisbonkers · 30/07/2019 10:41

call your friends op. I've been there too, and my DH would also be trying to clear up the stain - that's obviously his caring style. They'll be happy to talk to you I'm sure.

Jaxhog · 30/07/2019 10:42

I do have two close friends I could hang out with today, but both have suffered miscarriages in the last few years, so the last thing I want to do is for them to worry about me - especially if this could be nothing to worry about.

I don't get it. You want your DH to be there, even though you don't think it serious enough to bother your friends? Even though it means stopping him going to work and doing something he'll enjoy?

borisisbonkers · 30/07/2019 10:44

of course she ideally wants the support from the person that's most responsible for giving it to her, nothing wrong with the expectation. Unfortunately her DH has a different style for crises than she would expect. But I also think her friends will not be bothered about her contacting them for support and happy to be called.

MMmomDD · 30/07/2019 10:47

You are worried and hormones play a role.
His job is to provide for the family and that’s what he is doing.
If he could do anything and help - then yes, he should have stayed. Otherwise - nope.
Sorry you are having a tough time.

Mintjulia · 30/07/2019 10:51

Op, with thoughts for the future, I’d start setting your expectations for the birth now so he is clear what you expect.

My ex went to work when I was 5 days overdue and in the end I drove myself to hospital (rural, no taxis). He claimed he couldn’t have known I would go into labour Hmm

yellowallpaper · 30/07/2019 10:53

I'd say carry in and go to work but ask him to check in with me when he had a moment. Hopefully he would offer to do this anyway. I can't see the point of expecting someone to sit staring into space worrying about things. What would you do, sit staring at each other all day?

midsummabreak · 30/07/2019 12:21

yellowwallpaper
What would you do? Deal with what is happening together, not alone. Doesnt mean the world stops, can make the call together you feel ok and no abdo pain so Dh goes to work. Or if not feeling ok you could rest and Dh work from home or do domestic chores. I am surprised you feel women should not be supported through this

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