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Original poster

What would you do - dp's relationship with female friend

29 replies

IndigoLolly · 29/07/2019 15:29

have name changed for this.

Dp has lived with me for a few months but we've been going out for around 1.5 yrs. We are all late 40s so not kids!

dp has a very close relationship with a woman he used to live with (her flat, he rented a room) for 3-4 years till he moved in with me (I have not met her). When we first met, I was not allowed to go round to the flat as she had banned any visitors other than dp's dcs. Still to this day, they have messenger groups with him, her and his dcs (adults). He has been on holiday with her before (but not since we met). I asked whether she had a boyfriend and he said no which didn't surprise me as it looked like to me that she regarded dp as her 'partner' in every sense other than sexual (and i do believe there is nothing sexual there). Funnily enough, since he has moved out, she has been dating and now has someone who she won't call her boyfriend but is seeing regularly.

Dp does not hide any of this from me. I know they message every day. After he moved in with me, I said let's invite her round for dinner but she is not keen on meeting me (no reason given, she just doesn't appear to see the necessity, every invite has been turned down). I know this is not dp as I've seen the messages. Dp spoke to me today as she's asked him round for dinner this week as she wants to plan another holiday with him and in a few weeks time, they are off to a festival together (with a few other people - I wasn't invited and have subsequently booked something with my friends).

Now I have a best male friend but I immediately introduced him to dp when it was clear we were going to be an item. And we have dinner with him and his gf regularly. So I have no issue with dp having female friends. But I'm concerned that this woman, who wants this huge role in dp's life, doesn't appear to even want to meet me even when dp has asked.

Would this bother you? And if so what would you do. I am in 2 minds. On one hand, I think everyone should be able to have friendships but it bothers me that she appears to want to keep it 'private' if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Fizzysours · 29/07/2019 15:31

You are right to be bothered. Sounds like she wants a hareem of male admirers. Tedious and dangerous. I say that in response to her banning visitors and refusing to meet you. Clearly not a girl's girl...

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2019 15:40

I think him being close friends with her is perfectly ok because they have been for a long time. What is NOT ok is how she alienates you and your partner allows it! I would be much more upset with him than I would be with her. I wouldn't really care what her silly hangup are all about, clearly she has lots of them and it's not personal. Your partner's attitude and his willingness to go along with his friends ridiculous "rules" is the real problem.

WhoIsTheFairestOfThemAll · 29/07/2019 15:49

Tbh, I wouldn't still be with him or have moved in whilst this situation was ongoing.

It's fine for him to have a female friend - I have several male friends but she is excluding you and so is no friend of the relationship.

What sort of person would outright refuse to meet their friend's new girlfriend, let alone repeatedly turn down so many invites.

Original poster
IndigoLolly · 29/07/2019 15:50

aqua the problem is they've been friends for years. At the moment, I'm not pushing because I don't mind the friendship per se, as fizzy says, I just think she's obviously a bit of a pita.

But I'm not sure quite what my next move should be. I could make a huge fuss about it but I'm not sure what it would achieve - but on the other hand, I do think we need to get to a point where I've at least bloody met her!

OP posts:
Original poster
IndigoLolly · 29/07/2019 15:55

I didn't think too much of it as they had stopped going away etc but it now seems clear that she wants this to continue (although not confirmed, I'll no doubt find out after the dinner this week).

I may suggest that if they are going to go away together that I want to meet her fgs

OP posts:
joystir59 · 29/07/2019 15:56

Stand up for yourself and have this out with your DP- this is a DP problem, not an issue with his friend. Why doesn't it bother him that she will not meet you?

hellsbellsmelons · 29/07/2019 15:57

I know they message every day
Wow - I have a few friends and do NOT message ANY of them every day.
Do you message your male friend every single day?
That is way over the top as far as I'm concerned.
A catch up message once a week is enough.
Don't be the 'cool girlfriend'
Tell him this makes you uncomfortable and ask him what he is willing to do about it.
If nothing then you know where you stand in the pecking order of his life and you can cut and run.

joystir59 · 29/07/2019 15:58

I'd be hurt if my close friend wasn't interested in meeting my new partner.

joystir59 · 29/07/2019 15:59

I agree, don't be 'cool' about this, you are right to find this acceptable

Original poster
IndigoLolly · 29/07/2019 16:00

I do message my friends every day. I think one of the issues is we were both single for a while before we met so have really big friend networks. I was going on holiday with my close friends up till we met too.

Although I found it a bit weird I can honestly say I shrugged and thought fine and also suspected when she had a new boyfriend, it would naturally fizzle out more.

But it appears to have made her more keen to keep hold of what they have...

OP posts:
Fizzypoo · 29/07/2019 16:01

Fuck that.

If your dp cannot see that she is being a total cow to you then you need to clearly explain to him that she is. If he isn't upset on your behalf on the way his friend is treating you then what is the point in being with him. He is the one allowing this, he could tell her to get fucked and that he is bringing you or not going.

Pinkmonkeybird · 29/07/2019 16:02

Sounds like your DP is lacking supporting you on this and doesn't want to offend his friend by telling her to stop being a silly cow. She clearly has possessive/jealousy issues if she is refusing to meet you. I mean, how rude to turn down an invitation to meet a friends's partner. How on earth did you conduct a relationship with him whilst he lived at her home? Or was it all done at your home? I'd be very wary about all this divisiveness, whether it be orchestrated by him or her. If the boot was on the other foot, how would you deal with a good friend not wanting to meet him? Because if that was me and my best mate, I'd be telling her to she is being disrespectful.

LittleWing80 · 29/07/2019 16:03

That’s not on OP. He should have said, yes for dinner, what time do you want OP and me on Wednesday? That would have forced her to say out loud: ‘I don’t want OP’ and then he should have challenged that as this is rude to you. No issue with female/male friendship (if there were something it would have happened between them by now - i think she might have been trying/hoping for a while) but he needs to set his priorities.

Beyond the dinner, is he considering going on holiday with her and not invite you...?

Each2TheirOwn · 29/07/2019 16:03

So she won't come to your house for dinner but she wants your partner to go to hers, without you?! No chance! That's incredibly rude and, as others have said, the fact that your DP is going along with it isn't good.

And as for the holiday she wants them all to go on... that's a NO.

There may be nothing sexual between them but as you say, she clearly sees him as her partner. He's not, he's yours! Going on holiday with a friend and their children when they already have a partner is just weird IMO. This may have been a convenient arrangement all round when they were both single but he no longer is, they both need to respect you and your relationship.

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 29/07/2019 16:06

I don't really see why it needs to be a problem

I have lots of friends. Some I know their partners, others I don't. I don't see why it is essential that I become friendly with the partners of all my friends regardless of their sex

They obviously share a bond due to the time he spent living with her and she is also fond of his DC. If you are certain there isn't anything sexual between them then just let them be

TixieLix · 29/07/2019 16:06

If the holiday is just him and her then I would definitely NOT be ok with it (personally), especially if she's refusing to meet you.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2019 16:12

Op, I acknowledged that your partner and this woman have been friends for many years, but that doesn't change the fact that your partner is allowing her to erase you from a big part of his life. It's just not right.

SavingSpaces2019 · 29/07/2019 16:13

Your DP should have nipped this territory-marking behaviour in the bud a long time ago.
He was paying rent as her lodger, he had every right to bring you round when he was living there - but he chose to put her 'feelings' first.
He doesn't care that she's got an attitude towards you and doesn't want to know the partner of her 'close friend'.

Is your DP secretly getting a kick out of having two women 'chasing' him?

HollowTalk · 29/07/2019 16:15

Has he ever had his own place?

Pinkmonkeybird · 29/07/2019 16:17

Is your DP secretly getting a kick out of having two women 'chasing' him?

I thought this ^.

SavingSpaces2019 · 29/07/2019 16:19

Her behaviour reminds me of an ex-friend.
We were in our mid to late 20's when i discovered this side of her.

She had her own live in partner but started cultivating a 'special' friendship with my bf.
She'd invite him out to stuff and exclude me, invite him to stuff that her dp allegedly organised, 'boys night out' would end up with her and her other female friends meeting them.
She was overly tactile with him - in front of her own partner and others.

When i pulled her up on it she acted all 'upset' and played the innocent victim.
Turns out the others tolerated this behaviour because "it's just the way she is".
They'd been used to this behavior since school days, she basically put 'dibs' on men that she fancied and therefore felt justified in her behaviour.

Original poster
IndigoLolly · 29/07/2019 16:22

I don't think he gets a kick out of it. He told me they have a relationship like brother/sister and she helped him through some really hard times. I think he doesn't want to lose the friendship and at the moment, doesn't see a problem with it (tbh although they talk regularly, he's been seeing her a lot less since we have moved in together).

I also think he genuinely doesn't think she's being difficult in not meeting me - he's one of these 'kind soul' types and she's probably walking all over him grrr.

But this was before any potential holiday situation....which for me is a non starter if she is still being tricky...

OP posts:
CatInADoghouse · 29/07/2019 16:26

This is not ok! YANBU!
She had no right to ban him from having visitors. He should have moved out and found somewhere else when she said that. It's fine to have friends of the opposite sex but this is just wrong. You now both live together. You're a big part of his life and if she was a true friend then she should want to meet you. He shouldn't be going to hers alone for dinner without you! Especially since she's rejected every invite you have made to her. He shouldn't be going on holiday with her either. There's no way I would be comfortable with any of this! He needs to grow a pair and tell her that you come first not her. She has a very strange obsession with him. If he has any respect for you then he should cool it with her.

Fizzypoo · 29/07/2019 16:31

When I first got with my dp he had quite a few female friends. They were all/still are absolutely lovely to me bar one.

Whilst she was mostly nice to my face she kept trying to assert herself between me and my dp. She wanted boyfriend attention off of him, but she didn't want him to be her boyfriend iyswim?

My dp put a stop to it when he realised he was being manipulated to not bring me along to events and nights out. When he saw how she was using him for her own validation and to gain attention he said, "fizzy if they don't want to spend time with both of us then fuck them we have plenty of other friends".

We're still nice to her if we see her in social situations but he put our relationship first and refused to play her games. She hated it, told everyone how hurt she was and then how angry she was. If she hadn't of tried to keep my dp as her go to for attention and exclude me then they would still be friends.🤷‍♀️

hellsbellsmelons · 29/07/2019 16:33

Well if my 'sister' didn't want to meet the person Ioved that would be well and truly weird and rude.
She is not a real friend if she doesn't want to meet you and be happy for both of you!

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