What would you do - dp's relationship with female friend

[IndigoLolly]

have name changed for this.

Dp has lived with me for a few months but we've been going out for around 1.5 yrs. We are all late 40s so not kids!

dp has a very close relationship with a woman he used to live with (her flat, he rented a room) for 3-4 years till he moved in with me (I have not met her). When we first met, I was not allowed to go round to the flat as she had banned any visitors other than dp's dcs. Still to this day, they have messenger groups with him, her and his dcs (adults). He has been on holiday with her before (but not since we met). I asked whether she had a boyfriend and he said no which didn't surprise me as it looked like to me that she regarded dp as her 'partner' in every sense other than sexual (and i do believe there is nothing sexual there). Funnily enough, since he has moved out, she has been dating and now has someone who she won't call her boyfriend but is seeing regularly.

Dp does not hide any of this from me. I know they message every day. After he moved in with me, I said let's invite her round for dinner but she is not keen on meeting me (no reason given, she just doesn't appear to see the necessity, every invite has been turned down). I know this is not dp as I've seen the messages. Dp spoke to me today as she's asked him round for dinner this week as she wants to plan another holiday with him and in a few weeks time, they are off to a festival together (with a few other people - I wasn't invited and have subsequently booked something with my friends).

Now I have a best male friend but I immediately introduced him to dp when it was clear we were going to be an item. And we have dinner with him and his gf regularly. So I have no issue with dp having female friends. But I'm concerned that this woman, who wants this huge role in dp's life, doesn't appear to even want to meet me even when dp has asked.

Would this bother you? And if so what would you do. I am in 2 minds. On one hand, I think everyone should be able to have friendships but it bothers me that she appears to want to keep it 'private' if that makes sense.

I think your DP sees nothing beyond a friendship but I suspect she has feelings for him. Why else would she not want to meet you? All I can think is jealousy.

I also think he genuinely doesn't think she's being difficult in not meeting me
I bet if you had a male friend who behaved like this woman your DP would certainly have something to say about it.

He KNOWS it's wrong OP - doesn't matter what label he sticks on their 'relationship'.
I bet he knows she fancies him - but chooses to make her feelings more important than yours.
Therefore it's ok for you to feel upset at her behaviour - but it's not ok to upset her feelings by asserting healthy boundaries.

No I genuinely don't think he's that calculating. I think this friendship has existed like this for so long that he doesn't 'see' how it might not be appropriate.

I agree pink - I suspect she has feelings for him, I genuinely don't think he does but he's not drawing what I would call appropriate boundaries because they've had this 'relationship' for so long, he now can't see the problem with it

I will speak to him this week. Thanks for your thoughts as it's helped me clarify what I'm going to say.

One of my exes had a female friend he met on a dating site not long before we met and became an item.

I didn't care that he had female friends. He also told me that she wanted more kids and he definitely didn't, he'd been snipped.

He wasn't interested in her in that way but she was definitely into him and she flat out refused to meet me in the whole 2.5 years we were together.

Wished him happy Valentine's Day, invited him out all the time for coffee or whatever, tried arranging play dates with his kids and hers, leaving mine out.

He showed me some of the messages she sent about it when he pulled her up on it and I was rather gobsmacked - she was so rude about me (had never met me, won't have known of me).

She was a nasty scheming bitch, really gave off the bunny boiler vibe.