I’m afraid this might be quite long. I’ve been with DH for 16 years and we’ve been married for 8 and now have 3 DC under 7. He’s had a tricky relationship with his parents for as long as I’ve known him but it’s definitely got worse as time has gone on. They’ve never been welcoming to me and I’ve always found them draining company, as they’re very critical and negative, and seem to look to find fault with people and situations. Despite this, I’ve tried so hard over the years to have a good relationship with them.
We’ve just come back from a few days away with them. They live a very long way away from us so I booked a holiday cottage in the middle so that they could spend some time with the dcs. They have been to stay with us, and we’ve told them that they are welcome any time as we have a spare room. We haven’t stayed with them for a couple of years, partly because the journey is very hard with 3 small children, but also because they do not have the space or beds for all 5 of us, and MIL has told DH that they won’t be getting any beds to accommodate the children. MIL is fixated on money and seems jealous that DH and I are not struggling as much as they did when they were are age. She told DH that they won’t need our spare room because they have plenty of money and can afford a hotel!
PILs were very negative about the very nice place we were staying recently and showed little enthusiasm for any activities or meals out that we planned. DH and I asked them what they would like to do, but we ended up sorting everything out ourselves as PILs showed no interest. Our DC are not great sleepers at the best of times, but being somewhere new, in the middle of a heatwave meant that it was difficult to get them all to sleep for the first few nights of our trip. DC3 is a baby and still breastfeeding, so I was busy settling him too. DH and I were really tired by the third day. PILs didn’t offer to help but they never do and that’s fine. It’s up to them if they want to help out. On the third night I had got the baby to sleep and then came down to have a drink with DH and PILs, but DC2 wasn’t completely settled and kept coming downstairs so I was upstairs quite a bit trying to settle him. PILs had been out for a drink and MIL had obviously had a few drinks, as she was making a few barbed digs at DH and me, which she always does when she’s drunk. Just a few comments about how awful the house we were staying in was, how the area they live in is so much better (which is a dig at us for not visiting them, despite the bed situation which is apparently our fault). Anyway, I just ignored it, as did DH and then I had to go up to take DC2 back to bed again. When I came back down 5 minutes later the door was closed and I could hear MIL complaining to DH. I didn’t know what to do, so I waited a few mins and then just went in. MIL immediately stopped what she was saying and left the room. DH told me that she had been complaining about me, how I wouldn’t let them be with their grandchildren, and that she wasn’t going to do what I wanted the next day and that they were going to leave in the morning (we still had two days left) as they hadn’t been made to feel welcome. FIL had stormed off to bed about 20 mins earlier, probably in anticipation of a MIL rant.
The next morning they didn’t leave, and MIL tried to act as though everything was normal. DH was very upset, but not surprised, by what had happened, and he did mention It to her. She just told him that that was how she felt.
This is just one example of PIL (mostly MIL but they both have form for this type of thing and FIL has a very short temper) make every situation miserable for us. MIL will regularly get drunk on a Friday and phone DH to tell him how awful he and I are and then hang up on him. They have also both told him individually about suicide attempts or near suicide attempts that they have made, after arguing with one another. But they would never separate. They also completely ignore me most of the time, never asking how I am or taking any interest in me, despite me making an effort to ask them about their lives and interests. FIL puts facebook posts up of days out we’ve had but never includes me in the photos or mentions me. It’s petty but it’s also hurtful. DH and I are constantly on the lookout for one of both of them being in a strop when we're with them. It's exhausting.
I feel completely deflated after this last trip with them. When I said goodbye to MIL I said it had been nice to see her and she just walked off and waited in the car while FIL said goodbye to the children. I have never experienced someone as rude as disrespectful as MIL is. DH has a very good relationship with my parents, and PILs are very jealous of this, and have often made snide comments about my family to DH in the past.
I know their behaviour is far from normal and that they are both unhappy. I used to feel sorry for them, but neither of them are willing to take steps to improve their situation. Does anyone have any advice please? I’m sorry this is so long – there are so many other examples I could give of mean things they’ve done over the years. It makes me feel so sad because I would love to have been able to have a better relationship with them. I want to be able to move forward without their constant guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail of DH.