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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a single parent and don't think I can afford to be in a relationship

26 replies

IndieTara · 28/07/2019 21:09

I have a lovely DP of 6 months ( but we've known each other 15 yrs on and off )

He's fun and sociable and loving but I'm financially struggling being able to afford the whole relationship thing.

He's never married, no kids, bought the council house his mum used to live in and earns nearly double my salary.

I'm in a high rent area so I can get DD into a good school and work full time.

He has a good idea of my financial situation as we've spoken about the fact I have very little disposable income, how I gave to save to do things etc but I don't think he really understands what that means in real life.

He's constantly suggesting things to do and places to go and usually my default response is no.

In the last 2 weeks we've been to London to the theatre ( tickets he bought me for Valentines ) plus it's been his birthday ( we went to a music festival as his favourite band was on ) he bought the tickets fir the festival but I obviously bought him a birthday present too.

The problem is all the other associated costs of doing these type of things. Transport, meals, drinks etc

Even though he always spends more than me I just can't afford to carry on spending what I currently am.

We've spoken about it a few times but he doesn't seem to cotton on.

I honestly don't think I can afford the be in a relationship. How does everyone else do it?

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 28/07/2019 21:11

I think you need to sit him down and spell it out

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2019 21:12

You can definitely afford to be in a relationship. You can't afford to be in a relationship with someone who has very different circumstances to you and wants to live his life accordingly.

Original poster
IndieTara · 28/07/2019 21:23

@NameChangeNugget I really thought I had

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieTara · 28/07/2019 21:24

@AnneLovesGilbert I'm beginning to think that may be the case

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 28/07/2019 21:29

When you spell it out, you have to say "Look, the tickets cost A, which, great you paid for. But then the transport was B, the meal was C, the drinks D, etc, etc. In total, even with you buying the tickets, the evening cost me £X. This happens EVERY time we go out somewhere. You are underestimating what it costs, and I simply can't afford it".

Because in his head, the evening has only cost what the tickets cost plus "Just a few pounds extra".

Original poster
IndieTara · 28/07/2019 21:31

That's good advice @HypatiaCade thanks

OP posts:
Wishihad · 28/07/2019 21:34

The thing is, if you have this chat then he may feel that you are hinting that he needs to pay for more.

For me, it's just a case of saying when stuff comes up 'I wont be able to save for that'

It's not about affording to be in a relationship. It's the fact thay he doesnt have commitments like you and earns more. He wants to go off and do things, but he doesnt really think about your situation.

Original poster
IndieTara · 28/07/2019 21:52

@Wishihad hé Def knows I'm not hinting for him to pay more. He would def pay more if I wanted him to I'm sure. But I don't want that. I've had years of saying no to things I can't afford to do to friends and family and they all get it.

I hate all this, I like things to be clear so I'm always honest about finances etc. When we first got together I was upfront about the fact there'd be occasions I would have to say no to things because I wouldn't be able to afford it.

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieTara · 25/08/2019 08:33

Quick update. I spoke to him again and spelled everything out in words of two syllables. Also said I wouldn't be able to afford to save for or pay for anything else new between now ( which was 3 wks ago ) and the end of the year and reminded him we already had 2 concerts booked and a day out at WB Studios during that time already. Plus I had my car MOT in Nov, my daughter's bday and Xmas in Dec
It made a difference for about 3 days then he was back to normal sending me ideas of things to do ( ballet tickets, very expensive )

So now I'm single again

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 25/08/2019 09:50

I'm sorry OP but it sounds to me like he is very selfish and doesn't listen to you, or value your opinion. I think you've done the right thing ending it. Hope you're ok.

AgentJohnson · 25/08/2019 14:09

I have a lovely DP of 6 months ( but we've known each other 15 yrs on and off )

This is becoming a thing on MN, knowing someone is very different to being in a relationship with them. The statement gives you a false sense of security, which you’ve unfortunately have come to realise.

I can’t believe you put up with this for so long. You are well rid and hopefully your friendship is permanently off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2019 14:47

Hope you’re doing okay OP. It’s the right decision Flowers

bigchris · 25/08/2019 21:30

Oh what a shame Flowers

midcenturylegs · 26/08/2019 08:48

@IndieTara - I was in a relatively similar position with my ex. He would take me to super fancy restaurants with the expectation that we would take turns in paying.. I kept on saying it wasn't sustainable for me (I also a single Mum) but he just didn't get it. He would book weekends away without telling me the cost (and willing to pay for it all himself) - I'd obviously find out whilst there and then feel as if I couldn't contribute much so would end up spending £150+ on meals and tickets to do stuff. Money at that time I couldn't afford.
I think what bothered me was the fact that he just couldn't understand that I couldn't dip into savings for stuff to enjoy for myself. I hard to keep that money for my kid, not just to buy her things but as a rainy-day fund in case I lost my job.
It was the same when we moved in together into a house he bought. There was an expectation that I pay for a lot of things I just couldn't afford. I don't think he realised how frugal my life was before I was with him (and how it is again).

I know this is painful for you right now but I think as a Mum you have done the right thing and you're amazing. You'll find someone who'll see this as a huge huge credit to you and won't expect you to become anxious and worry about money. Flowers

AtSea1979 · 26/08/2019 08:54

It sounded like the best thing. It’s hard when someone has more money than you and vice versa less than you.
I’m a single parent but in a low rent area with tax credits top up so have a good disposable income and was dating someone with no surplus money. I ended resenting spending money I wanted to spend on my kids on him or being stuck in when I wanted to go places so we split.

Original poster
IndieTara · 27/08/2019 01:16

Thanks everybody and  back to you for being so lovely too
@midcenturylegs you've really hit the nail on the head in your post, plus he never really got the fact I couldn't just take time off from work to do things, not even the odd half days ( which would soon have mounted up ) as I needed them to help cover school hols or it would cost me extra in childcare fees

OP posts:
Musti · 27/08/2019 10:00

Seems a shame if he was willing to pay for you. If I was with someone and I could afford to pay for them then I would.

midcenturylegs · 27/08/2019 17:52

@Musti I'm not sure that one partner paying for the other all of the time is sustainable, it'll eventually brew resentment. And I think OP sounds like she is very independent.
Also it's the taking time off work to do stuff. Every 2,3 years I go away with friends to a festival and take 2 or 3 days off but that time equals not just money to pay for hol clubs as I never have enough leave anyway but heartache as I've yet to find a hol club my DD likes. As it is it's about 7 weeks of 8-6 care whilst all her friends are having fun.
Complicated - there's no right or wrong answer.

midcenturylegs · 27/08/2019 18:07

Sorry for hijacking your thread @IndieTara but just wanted to give @Musti an example to explain. So I would get to the end of the month and I'd gone over my food budget so we'd have eggs, baked beans for dinner, or Tesco value fish finger sandwiches (yummy actually!).
The next evening we'd be at my ex-P's 7 bed house and all his friends sat round discussing below-ground pool liners. I'm proud of what I do re work etc and raising my kid on my own, scrabbling just enough for a deposit on a flat. So their conversations made me feel rubbish. Lovely people but there wasn't much common ground.

Original poster
IndieTara · 27/08/2019 20:55

@Musti and @midcenturylegs yes all very valid and true.
My now Ex is part of a group that presents shows to
Members of the public at festivals. Carnivals etc
Recently he had a weekend one and asked me to pop over and see their show on one of the days or over for a drink In The evening

I was noncommittal and didn't promise anything just said if I turn up I do

As it happened I couldn't afford the petrol to get there and back. He was so upset and grumpy I didn't go to see him and couldn't quite believe my reason!

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 27/08/2019 23:18

All reminds me a bit of Ian Duncan smith (politician) not understanding people not being able to 'get by'. Whilst having a house all paid for by his wife's family. One persons 'skint ' and can I spend £20 at the food shop , is another persons 'skint' and down to £10k in the bank and saying you can't afford what seems a very modest amount to them, they are never going to quite 'get it'

Original poster
IndieTara · 30/08/2019 19:35

He'd be really insulted to be compared to a politician!

OP posts:
StarsOutShining · 30/08/2019 22:44

You sound supa dupa OP.

He sounds a little immature and like he's living in cloud cuckoo land. Would that be a fair statement? Anyway, if he backed off because you couldn't afford a ticket for the ballet Hmm, you dodged a bullet to be fair.

Original poster
IndieTara · 30/08/2019 23:52

Thanks @StarsOutShining that's so nice of you.

I think he just lives on a different planet to me to be honest.

OP posts:
ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 31/08/2019 08:15

How about next time he suggests something you say “I would really like to do that but struggling to afford all these plans. I think I am pushing myself with transport to xxxx and food at xxxx and parking at xxxx already.”

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