Has anyone ever forgave a cheating partner and got through the pain?

[puta91]

Has anyone been cheated on and forgave their partner and worked it out. If so, how? And when did it get easier?

I think the problem is OP that at some level it changes everything in your head and heart , I found out 3 years ago that my H had 11 years previously really heavy ‘infatuation’ (that’s what he said to me) by finding a ton of poems and songs he wrote and recorded (with himself playing and singing) about a 21 year old who worked with us . I don’t honestly know how involved she was, there was a lot of texting from his end, I checked back on bills which I still had. I suddenly didnt see him as the kind, loyal guy but a bit of a twat. We are still together but I would say my heart has hardened somewhat

Snackbitch - you poor thing that is horrible

My fiance did this to me 3 months before our wedding.
He left to be with her, married her and now with 2 children he continues to cheat on her.
I had a lucky escape.
Once a cheat, always a cheat, is the saying....................

Mad6kids I could have written your post. Never again, I am much better (safer) on my own.

I couldn't, I tried but it didn't work. I only lasted about 6 months. As a PP said my heart just hardened towards him. He did all the right things, was so remorseful, everything I asked for he did and he rode out every one of my mood swings without so much as snapping back at me but I just felt aloof towards him.

I had lost all of my respect for him and I think once that's gone there's no coming back. It was a one night stand and I think it was a mistake and probably wouldn't have happened again but I came to the realisation that it didn't matter because he'd already done it and that was enough to kill my feelings for him.

Op was the girl a sex worker? I think if it was you've got bigger problems than just the act itself. You don't go from zero to engaging a sex worker to enact your niche fantasy overnight.

But if it isn't a sex worker do ignore me, it's just the vibe I got from your post.

Honestly
I’m 3 years out
Probably wasting your time I’m afraid
The pain doesn’t go, just fades.

The problem is that it sets your head and your heart in constant conflict. You hear the echoes of love and trust (heart and emotion) from pre-discovery time but you’re constantly replaying the facts of who a person really is (head and reason) post-discovery. It’s a psychologically stressful position to be in - you’re never relaxed in the relationship again because half of you feels one thing and half of you thinks another.
For me, I miss the ability to love her as hard and as completely as I once did. It pains me that she thinks we’re fine when I’m hollowed out inside and what we have is a pale facsimile of what went before.
It’s been over 16 years - being in pain for that long changes you, and not for the better.

I never got over it though took me 16 years. My ExH cheated on me literally after he proposed to me with a married women, I forgave him 6 months before our wedding I found explicit emails from another women, stupidly I still married him I was young and craved a family set up (I didn’t have that as a child) we had 2dc together but I never got over the cheating and it ate me up everyday. I was so unhappy and our marriage was awful. I left 4 years ago and since found out he had another 7 affairs and was on Pof during our marriage. I left and he moved his latest women in a week later. Divorce was horrible he was very controlling. He is now stuck with her they have had a baby and he is very very unhappy. I got out took me time but I’m glad I did. I now in a relationship where I don’t have to ask permission for things or for money (I was a sahm). I’m my own person now.

Thanks everyone for your comments. This woman wasn't a sex worker, he didn't pay for it, i don't really know what to say i guess i was expecting some happing ending stories but the reality is will i actually get over it...

Ive found that the more time goes on even though its still raw I'm not thinking about it as much as i did the first few weeks, it does hurt me and it gives me the shivers when i think of it, but it's not on my mind every minute of the day, i feel like i should be feeling angry still, and crying but i dont feel anything, i think I'm still abit numb but I'm all cried out, I'm quite a strong person ive been through a lot of stuff so maybe im resilient to matters like these, which is bad... i have spoke to him ive told him my concerns, i have the once a cheat always a cheat in my head, but i genuinely don't believe he would do it again. I think the aftermath of the infidelity coming out is what matters.

How they handle it if they play the blame game then its utter bullshit, but my partner is proper remorseful to the point where im actually worried about his mental health, he's not doing it to make me feel bad for him hes not like that, but he just cant help but feel this way.

The thing which is so hard for me is that i have never had a healthy relationship, ive been with abusers, bums just absolute arseholes, but hes different hes everything ive wanted, its just this hiccup thats got in the way. I feel like as the person i am i will eventually get through it, its just advice on how to overcome it that i need.

My previous relationships were cheats and liars, i found out through someone else, they put the blame on me, and didnt reassure me at all.

My current partner told me straight out, he was honest, remorseful, racked with guilt that he'd done this to me, he didn't blame me and he reassures me constantly. One of our best pros of our relationship is communication, i can sit there and say i feel shit about this situation and he will say tell me what your thinking and how i can help, and this actually helps... maybe I'm in denial because i don't want another failed relationship, i dont want to throw my time and effort away for a stupid mistake which hurt like fuck, but knowing theres a possibility of us getting through it makes me want to try even more.

The problem with it being some kind of fetish thing he did, is that fetishes don't go away..

I did try to forgive my ex and make it work, and he was crying and begging etc, but he did it again all the same.

I get what you mean, it isn't a fetish, it was purely curiosity because his friend has been speaking about it, so he went tgere to see what the place was like and unfortunalty did what he did

Really? His excuse is curiosity?

What happens when he gets "curious" about something else?

My previous relationships were cheats and liars, i found out through someone else, they put the blame on me, and didnt reassure me at all.

Ach, so it's the same old shit but this one put a ribbon on it?

I don't mean to be dismissive, I am genuinely in favour of people being able to make their own choices re: reconciling with a partner, but when you've only been together 2 years, seem to have no children together, seem to be having a difficult time in your own mind with what he's done, are still only getting to know each other really and he's just turned out to be a better-presented version of the same kind of disrespectful liar you've been burnt by in the past...? Move on. He's just like the others but he's making a better show of it. Wait for a good one.

Appreciate everyones response but I'm still going to see if i can work through it, people have different perceptions and i can respect that but every situation is different, mine is very different to your relationships, my partner is a different person to your partners, only time will tell but I'm goig to work at it anyway, thabks again

It's not you that needs to work at it.

Its him that needs to work on it purely, but i need to work on forgiving him and moving forward. Therefore, we both need to work on it

Living with someone without trust is truly shit and not worth it. I did it for over a decade.

I hope things work out for you.

My answer may go against the grain here but I think this is something you can move past in time. He’s a human and made a mistake.

I find it helps to look at the intentions behind the act. It was a curiosity. It wasn’t intimate or affectionate. He has no intention of anything developing further with this person.

Without giving too much away here as haven’t NC. If my DH had done that and told me I’d think ‘you sad git’ and have a good laugh at his expense (we’re on the kink spectrum so our perception of cheating is very different to most people).

However, if he did it and said to the person afterwards ‘hey, I’d love to get your number so we can meet up again’ big fucking problem!

Once you cheat on someone, you've mentally walked away from them.

This would be my main concern. They just didn't love you enough to NOT cheat. Your feelings didn't come into it.

That would be it for me. I would always think 'you just don't love me enough'.

I wouldn't put up with less than.

Skittle, exactly my point. In my standards if he was intimate or affectionate in anyway then i wouldn't be sat writing this post, but theres something inside of me that thinks its not that bad, yeah its disgusting what he did but if he'd gone further then it would be massive to me, im willing to work through this as i do believe it was a mistake and everyone deserves a second chance, obviously if something happens again then i know its just him being a prick but i genuinely believe hes made a mistake and has massively learnt from it.

With kink and open relationships, there is consent and you have certain expectations & agreements in place as a couple. Very different to going off and indulging "curiosity" when the expectation is conventional monogamy.

The problem with "getting over" something like this, is that the forgiven party starts to expect forgiveness.

@category12 absolutely agree! With kink relationships communication is paramount and prior agreements as to what is and what is not acceptable is agreed in advance. However, people being humans can balls it up especially when full on sex isn’t on the table I find it tends to blur the lines.

Recently my husband got a fully-nude (hands-on) lap dance from a woman (a stranger). I didn’t bat an eye. The next week a woman from work asked him to attend an event with her which included an overnight stay (they share a mutual interest). He politely refused but when he told me I was really annoyed about it!!

Just demonstrates how different scenarios can feel depending on the intentions behind them.

@puta91 I agree totally. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt but have a sit down chat and set out some very clear boundaries that are not to be crossed. It may be a good idea to find out if this is in fact a kink of his or if there are any other underlying kinks. If so communication is key!

If he crosses the line after this point which I don’t think he will then you can chop his balls off and have them pickled!!