Is it ever okay to go through your partners phone?

[Dakota89]

Just looking for different opinions, I've wondered this as my partner has seemed very off lately. Hasnt seemed himself for a few months very distant doesnt seem to want to spend much time together and isnt affectionate. It has crossed my mind that he may well be talking to someone else but obviously he says he isnt and its left as that. Now would you or have you ever gone through a partners phone? I've been tempted to I wont lie but at the same time I would feel pretty crap if I did.

@NameChangeNugget Must just be me then because if someone went through my stuff thinking I was up to something I wouldn't care ad I have nothing to hide and they would look the idiot. But if you have something to hide then yeah you would get angry.

Yeah I would and I have.

Many times the phone would be lying about and I wouldn’t look - no reason two. But three times I got the urge to check and three times I found stuff. Trust your gut feeling.

"So, tackle the actual problem - not your wild leap of imagination into what the problem could be. Talk to hkm abojt the lack of closeness. Invest in the relationship, and try to tackle that. Arrange things to do together. Try to recover the closeness."

But what to do if he insists that there is nothing wrong, everything is fine, you're being paranoid?

You know the temperature of your marriage has changed but you don't know why. Maybe you are being paranoid. Maybe he's just madly busy with work. Maybe he's on the verge of a breakdown, or suffering from depression.

And so you plough on, hoping things will improve, hoping you'll come out the other side, unwilling to throw away many years and devastate your children. You suggest date nights but still something is off. You suggest counselling but he says there's no need.

At some point, imo, it is ok to look at his phone. Either there's nothing there and you can keep ploughing on, or there is and you can breathe a big sigh of relief for finally having an explanation, and a cast iron, guilt-free reason to end it.

It's not just you @Dakota89 - I would be same.
Couldn't give a toss if someone went through my phone.

And yes I've snooped after having suspicions and that is why I have an ExH and an ExP.
Both were cheating, just as I had assumed.
Had I not snooped I would never have known for sure.

What are your options if he is doing what you think?
But YES.... I would totally snoop!
Although I won't need to as I'm more than happy being single and not worrying about cheating assholes.

Working on the relationship is great if you know what you’re working on. Even with the evidence from messenger that my husband was up to no good with a mutual friend - he still denied everything and called me a paranoid psychopath.

I leave my phone lying around the house so the wife could easily check it if she really wanted to but equally I would feel disappointed if I caught her reading my texts or emails without good reason.

NO! I recently found out my dh went through my phone (he admitted to having no real justification, was just being nosy) and he read private messages between me and my best friend. I was (and still am) devastated. Feel like my friends trust in me is broken and mine in dh definitely is.

and he read private messages between me and my best friend
Were you making horrible comments about him?
Were you speaking about other blokes?
I can't imagine what would be so private that you don't share it with the person you have committed to sharing the rest of your life with!?
Unless it's private info about your friend?
But even then you should be able to trust him to keep her secret.

"Devastated"? Really? You were discussing something that delicate by text?
I think dp would die of boredom if he read my texts. Come to think of it he uses my laptop and can log into my email easily. Again, death by tedious email.
He also knows that at the beginning of our relationship I checked his phone a few times. Not because I was suspicious of him but simply because I was letting a man into my house and my bed, and I have dc.
I think it's only on MN that it's considered an unforgivable breach of human rights or something. In real life it's just pragmatic.

Yes, if you suspect something, then absolutely do it! If I hadn't checked my Ex's phone I wouldn't have had the concrete proof of his affair.

Prior to that I was with him for 9 years and for 8 of those years I NEVER had cause to be concerned what he did with his phone at all. It just didn't register on my radar until red flags about the OW started. I remember when I confronted him about the initial suspicion and asked him if I could look at the messages if they were that innocent and he refused saying it was a private conversation. I told him that I would have no issue with him reading my messages to any of my friends...even with the ones moaning about him. There was no reassuring at all, it was all about defending her and their friendship and the start of a year of emotional abuse and gas-lighting me. I held off looking at the phone until the End Days (as I call them) of our relationship and I on checking once or twice, I could see he was deleting all of the messages between them on Whatsapp. The fateful evening happened when it all came to light, and something was nagging me to look again while he was in the shower...BANG...messages between them that day were there and very clearly not just friends. The hilarious thing about it after I confronted him was the fact he thought I hacked into his phone like I was Mr Robot or something. I carried on letting him think that rather than the stupid idiot coming to the realisation I'd seen him on countless occasions unlock his phone with a pattern. Fact is in hindsight he was very dense at times, despite thinking he was clever

I don't see any issues with looking at a partners phone. I couldn't give a shit if my partner looked at mine, in fact we often use each others phones. Its just a phone, it has some pictures of our children etc and pretty dull messages from friends/family. Its not a diary or some mystical personal thing and I just can't imagine that anyone who didn't have something to hide would be bothered about this.

@hellsbellsmelons This happened with my ex, 8 year relationship kids and engaged had my suspicion and ignored it. Finally after years I gave in checked his phone and found out he had cheated for 6 of the 8 years with loads of women.

@Picklypickles My phone has nothing on it but texts from family I dont have social media. He has Facebook and about 60 contacts, seems to delete all his messages apart from mine but then again he hasnt let me on it for a while now.

Absolutely.

Why? Because you are not doing it to 'invade his privacy', you are doing it because you suspect he is seriously invading your boundaries.

There is a difference between a happy couple (no, you shouldn't go through their phone) and one that is abusive. Infidelity is abuse.

Yes. If you;ve done everything possible to get him/her to admit the truth, they refuse and make you feel like you're insane, crazy etc, if it's destroying you not knowing, absolutely. Especially if it means you find out that, yes, he has indeed been fucking around and for the sake of future fertility/general health you need to get an STI check because if the fucker can lie about shagging other people he can lie about wearing protection. What is NOT good is continued checking. It's unhealthy, and poisons your mental health. If you're continually having to check, it's time to leave.

Never had a partner who had a problem with it, but I've never gone through anyone's phone much. I tend to grab the closest phone to do an internet search not to go through messages. I'll ask my kids to read messages on my phone if I'm driving and respond.

Of course you should have a look. It's self preservation. Why sit there in the dark, if his phone will give you answers?

I snooped on my first H phone. Found texts on it that confirmed that he and my very best friend had had sex. Imagine not knowing this nugget of info, just because I didn't want to invade his privacy. It was my right to know and it changed my life.

Always trust your gut.

@YouJustDoYou I have asked several times and voiced my concerns and how it makes me feel that there Is so affection and it just turns into an argument now where hes sick of me saying it and everything is fine ( it definitely is not fine )

@Huskylover1 I think the only way on getting closer to an answer is by looking. Finding the right time will be difficult though I feel I may be waiting another week or so to get an opportunity

I don’t give a monkeys if he looks through mine , the only slightly embarrassing thing might be the mumsnet threads I’ve read!! . To be frank I wish I had snooped like hell when I had a really bad gut feeling many years ago , as it was I didn’t and found stuff11 years later quite by chance . I also wished I had snooped round his iPad a lot earlier too and checked cookies, would have discovered the rather chronic porn habit earlier too, in a ‘feminist’ type intelligent guy who totally knew my feelings about copious porn use . I am pretty disillusioned these days to be honest with many men, i have so many amazing talented attractive friends who have been crapped on in a multitude of ways by middle class professional guys who just seem to get a huge buzz from secrecy and destructive behaviour.

Check - gut instinct is there for a reason

I have done it when feeling particularly insecure (pregnancy made me feel awful). I’ve never found a thing so it made me feel 10000x better, my DH really doesn’t mind and I couldn’t care less whether he looked through mine or not. If you have nothing to hide I can’t see an issue.

Yes my gut instinct was right unfortunately

I never have. And mine has always been private. If you feel you need to then there’s a problem.

@Mrskeats Going by the majority of replies on here the people that have found out their partner was doing the dirty, so yes.. there is a problem with people being honest.