Is it ever okay to go through your partners phone?

[Dakota89]

Just looking for different opinions, I've wondered this as my partner has seemed very off lately. Hasnt seemed himself for a few months very distant doesnt seem to want to spend much time together and isnt affectionate. It has crossed my mind that he may well be talking to someone else but obviously he says he isnt and its left as that. Now would you or have you ever gone through a partners phone? I've been tempted to I wont lie but at the same time I would feel pretty crap if I did.

@IfNot

It’s not rubbish. I was speaking from my own (as it turns out not dramatically dissimilar relationship to the op’s, in terms of dynamics) relationship.

@Dakota89 have you spoken to him about the change in his behaviour at all?

I think there’s a lot of crap spoken on here about this. There must be dozens of occasions where people search phones under the excise of “ gut feeling” and find absolutely nothing and of course are not going to post on here about it. It’s a form of control and if a bloke was doing it it would be no doubt seen in a very different light.

Just cos they don't find anything on their phone, doesn't mean their gut feeling wasn't right 🤷‍♀️

Previously I would of said no but after feeling uneasy about dh friendship that I had no problem with other that it was taking up all his time I admit I snooped on his phone so I would say go with your gut instincts

@Alfiemoon1 were your gut instincts right?

Either be naive, say you trust him 100% and do nothing or take charge of your life, check his phone (because if you ask, they lie) and if you find anything at least you’re then armed with the truth.

Then you can decide whether to waste years on a liar.

@Divebar Looking through someones phone as a one off is not a form of control at all. Control is making someone/stopping someone from doing something, making them explain everything you do to them, being the only one in control of money etc. If someone is giving you reason to doubt them but denying anything you question what else are you supposed to do? Trust is an important part of a relationship and I agree with other people saying a relationship is based on this BUT a relationship is also built on making one another feel loved and affection is also as important. How many people on here have been married with kids for years had doubts about their partner asked and been told nothing is going on then they find out they have been having an affair for months/years because they looked through their partners phone? Guaranteed this isnt always the case, but I dont want to be one of those women/men that think they are in a respected relationship to then find out their partner has been doing the dirty behind their back all because I trust my partners word more than his actions.

I've never looked. It would be the beginning of the end for me

What if you look through his phone and there is nothing remotely interesting there?
Will this help you regain trust or will you still mistrust him?
What if he finds out a later date that you've looked through his private messages without asking?

@RedSkyLastNight If I dont find anything then obviously I still have to question where my relationship is going. If things have drastically changed and he is not cheating on me unless he is willing to work on the relationship then it will be over anyway.

Generally, I'd say it's a huge breach of privacy and in most circumstances, definitely not okay.
Most.
For me, it was a desperate attempt to prove ti myself I wasnt losing my mind after being lied to repeatedly. I was in a really bad place mentally and finally having screenshots proving that I wasnt 'paranoid and needing help' (thanks XH ), got me back on the road to recovery.
It was also incredibly enlightening to see him frantically coming up with lie after lie, while swearing that he would never lie to me, while he tried to work out how much I knew.
Those of you saying you would never and that once trust is gone that's it, dont understand just how damaging gaslighting is when it comes from someone you love and trust. The whole point is that the person you stop trusting is mostly yourself. Having hard evidence that you're not imagining things is incredibly helpful for getting your head right.

If it gets to the point where you have to (I feel it’s justified when looking for evidence of an affair etc) then I think it’s the beginning of the end anyway.

I never understand how or why all these cheating men have phones that are so easily accessible . It is common sense to have a phone password protected now surely ?

It’s a form of control and if a bloke was doing it it would be no doubt seen in a very different light

I totally agree with this. If someone when through your personal belongings and letters, because their gut was telling them something (normally nothing) would you be ok with that? That’s your answer.

It’s totally unacceptable

After finding pictures of a colleague in her underwear on DH's phone ten years ago, yes, I do flick through his phone every 6 months or so. Obviously I don't trust him which is probably something to do with the fact that he never properly apologised.

Sorry, rather more about me than advice for you.

I'd say do it. You'll have no peace of mind otherwise.

@BillyWilliamTheThird I am in the same position although I haven't checked recently. I had a gut feeling, always on his phone, never left it alone, took it to the bathroom with him, would would be in there ages. No affection to wards me. Sex life non existent. It was around the time Dr Foster was on. I made some comments about how i couldn't forgive; his reaction was strange. Checked it when he was asleep. He and an ex colleague had been sexting. I saw parts of her I wish I could unsee. I confronted him straight away. Wish I had waited to get a full idea of just how long it was going on and whether they met up. It's 4 years later (or so) and I still feel like I don't know the full story, no proper apology, still feel uneasy when he is on his phone a lot or if he (or I) are away for the night. Sorry OP it doesn't really help you. I'm glad I did it as I could confront it (and her) and we have had counselling. I have always had trust issues (difficult childhood) and the one person I actually trusted let me down. But my instincts were right.

I think your relationship is already in trouble if you havent been intimate for more than year. Why is that...?? Have you initiated sex & he's knocked you back?? Do you not find him sexually attractive anymore...??

If you know his password on his phone I'd check. Its not about trust, it's about finding out what's going on.

@NameChangeNugget
"It’s a form of control and if a bloke was doing it it would be no doubt seen in a very different light."

Not at all - if my DH looked through my phone, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

People who have such a strong adverse reaction to this usually have something to hide.

How would you feel about someone unlocking a diary and going through that?

We look through each other’s phones and emails etc quite regularly - when wanting a phone number or to check what arrangements were for dog care etc.
I think you’re asking not whether to check phone but whether to check up on your partner. You are already worrying about his behaviour and deceitfully checking up on him probably isn’t the answer. You need a conversation held out of concern for your relationship not made in anger. You need to know why he’s become distant. Don’t accuse, don’t blame hold a conversation somewhere neutral about the facts. “Fred, I recently realised it’s over a year since we had sex and I’m concerned about that. Is there a problem we need to sort out?”. “I’m beginning to feel like I’m unattractive or have made you angry in some way. That’s not good for us, is it?”
Honesty without anger is best way to the truth and solutions.

I think if you need to go though his phone something isn't right. The only time I did was with my ex husband after I found out he was friendly with a girl from work. Looking though his phone gave me the evidence I needed that they were more than friends.

"How would you feel about someone unlocking a diary and going through that?"

I don't think it's the same. You don't record your private thoughts and opinions on your phone.

You communicate with friends and colleagues, and search the Internet.

Maybe I am biased. I never doubted my xh of decades but, after I found out about his five year affair, I certainly wished I'd checked his phone earlier.

To pp saying not to bother because the relationship is already in trouble - sometimes people want proof before ending a long marriage. Proof that they're not imagining things or going mad. Proof that their dh has crossed a line and can't be forgiven. Why waste time on counselling and date nights to move past the trough if he's shagging his secretary?

"The whole point is that the person you stop trusting is mostly yourself"

This...... A million times over.

If something feels off, and your gut instinct is telling you so then usually something is off.

I caught a cheating ex once and it saved me from getting married to him, he'd been getting ridiculously close to a woman at work (an intern)... Had mentionitis, took her to an Oasis gig when I'd have wanted to go, staying at the office late, going out after work a lot etc.

When I confronted him about it and also asked his work mates what the hell was going on, they said they all wanted to tell me but they didn't know how.

He completely turned it round on me, gaslighting the lot. His final words to me when I moved out of our house was "you've ruined my life"..... Erm ok then.

It depends whether you want to carry on living your life with someone treating you the way they are and feeling uneasy. I'd agree with what others have said, it's a sign things are very wrong in your relationship if you feel the need to do this. But if it turns up something then it might save you from wasting years of your life on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Completely unacceptable behaviour. You've made a huge leap from him being more distant (which could be caused by a hist of things - you could just be drifting apart, stress, unresolved issues in the relationship) to an assumption that he's cheating. You haven't mentioned anything else that suggests he could be cheating.

So, tackle the actual problem - not your wild leap of imagination into what the problem could be. Talk to hkm abojt the lack of closeness. Invest in the relationship, and try to tackle that. Arrange things to do together. Try to recover the closeness.

Don't start snooping through his phone, and reading his private messages. That is not the behaviour of a decent person, and if yohr first response to a lack of closeness between you is to start snooping through his phone, then he really ought to leave you.

I personally would want to know for sure, so I would check