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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ghosting-would you bother getting in touch?

47 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 28/07/2019 18:17

Hi all. After being happily single for a long time, thought I'd try and find a relationship. Met someone this week from POF, seemed genuine, lots of things in common, was complimentary and said he'd like to see me again. I thought there was chemistry there.
I wanted to be upfront and explain my few health conditions and he seemed relieved to be able to tell me his. Before I left, I said go away and think about things, he said that he didn't need to and that he was OK with it.
The other day I asked him if he'd like to meet again and he said that he'd would, maybe this afternoon, (today) he'd have to see how he felt after a long shift yesterday.
So fully expecting him to let me know either way, say midday, but he didn't, total silence.
If it was you, would you move on or message to ask if the health conditions concerned them? I thought it was rather rude to not let me know and I was a bit miffed earlier, but now I'm not sure but don't want to embarrass myself.
What would you do?
Thanks.

OP posts:

Goodnightchristopherrobin · 28/07/2019 18:21

OP, would you mind explaining what the health conditions are, to give context? Why are you so sure that the ‘ghosting’ is based on that?

Mrsmummy90 · 28/07/2019 18:22

If he's already said that the health conditions don't bother him, I wouldn't ask again. It sounds like they're more an issue in a relationship to you than they are to him.

I'd just message him keeping it casual, asking how he is/if he's been busy and then see where it goes from there. If he doesn't respond then cut your losses.

LuckyLou7 · 28/07/2019 18:24

I wouldn't count this a ghosting, not just yet, the arrangement was a tentative one. I would assume he is knackered after a long shift and has simply forgotten to text you to say this afternoon isn't on. I'd send a text saying hope you've had a relaxing day, do you fancy going to [insert specific event] next weekend? If you get no reply to that, then call it a day.

Dieu · 28/07/2019 18:25

Hi OP. Even if the health issues did put him off, he's not worth your attention for being a ghoster! So I would leave it, because anything he has to say doesn't really matter.
Keep your dignity and .... NEXT!
(I'm also thinking that he may be having a think, as you advised him to do, but he still should have let you know about today).

HollowTalk · 28/07/2019 18:26

Are they health concerns that would have an impact on him?

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/07/2019 18:54

Thank you for the replies, interesting to see different ones.
I can't really see any reason to be anything else. Our conversations previous to the date were fantastic, he was a gentleman, very bright and interested in my life etc. His greeting at the date was very animated and he gave me a massive hug, also a one on saying goodbye. He asked LOTS of questions on the date about my conditions, one of which is very similar to his. He said he wanted to see me again.
I don't really want to say what they are as very outing but I may have to?
I'd say that one of them would impact him in quite a big way as it would mean we wouldn't be able to do certain things at a particular time of year. One of his questions was how does it affect your relationships but it kind of diverted as I've not had a long term relationship since being diagnosed, manly just because I really didn't want anyone in my life.

OP posts:

cranstonmanor · 28/07/2019 18:57

Sounds like you have heroes, some ppl would be bothered about it, some will not. He could also just ghost you because he's more into someone else he is dating.

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/07/2019 19:05

@cranstonmanor heroes??

OP posts:

simone1863 · 28/07/2019 19:08

Herpes?

SouthWestmom · 28/07/2019 19:09

So you chatted before you met, you met and told him your health issues and restrictions, then you messaged and he seemed up for meeting again but didn't then contact you?

I think it's over before it started probably.

I'd also be a bit wary of discussing anything too personal on dates but I'm old and married so no idea how it works now.

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/07/2019 19:12

Where the hell would you get herpes from that conversation?

So at what point is better to disclose something like that @Noeuf?

OP posts:

SouthWestmom · 28/07/2019 19:14

I think after a couple of dates when you know you want to see them indefinitely. Otherwise if it's upfront and first date you risk x number of strangers knowing all your stuff.

TatianaLarina · 28/07/2019 19:16

If he has his own health conditions, depending what they are, he may have crashed after his shift.

But the world of online dating is full of people who say things to be nice and then decide against that date for whatever reason (may be nothing to do with your health issues).

M0RVEN · 28/07/2019 19:25

That’s quite a heavy conversation to have with someone you have met once.

crappyday2018 · 28/07/2019 19:33

I'd leave it OP. Your health conversation aside, the ball was left in his court and if he really wants to meet up again he will get in touch with you. Its pretty much as simple as that. Don't put your eggs in one basket - get chatting to other people.

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/07/2019 19:35

But why waste his time if it is going to be a problem? I think from most people's responses that's what's happened, he's decided against taking it further due to the condition. Which is fair enough.
I really appreciate every single one of these comments, thank you!

OP posts:

waterrat · 28/07/2019 19:38

Ah the problem here op is that you are pouring time and thought into discussing all the reasons he might not be calling.

And meanwhile he can't be bothered to find ten seconds to text you.

Health points are irrelevant please don't contact him .

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/07/2019 19:39

Thank you crappyday, I agree with you I think, the ball was left in his court. I've been chatting to different ones for a while and still am, I really can't see it being a non issue though. I've lost my confidence now.

OP posts:

prawnsword · 28/07/2019 19:40

Is it herpes? Please tell us the medical issues !

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/07/2019 19:42

I agree waterrat he can't be bothered. Doesn't even have the decency to let me know. So I really can't be arsed. Maybe I've dodged a bullet, actually definitely yeah!

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 28/07/2019 19:46

What are the health conditions?

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/07/2019 19:46

No it's not herpes.

OP posts:

SMellisa · 28/07/2019 19:50

I would be a bit miffed but if you really felt it was worth holding on for him do it.

If you still haven't heard anything by tomorrow end of day, could be a bit worrying

Sagradafamiliar · 28/07/2019 19:55

Bit heavy for a first date and telling him to go away and think about things was a bit presumptive, like you were getting into a relationship this early on.
Not hearing back after a first date isn't ghosting.
It's all a bit much. Sorry.

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 28/07/2019 20:02

But he seemed really attracted to me, I didn't think I was doing anything out of the ordinary just giving him the heads up. What's the point in hiding stuff. I've got my answer now anyway it's pretty clear he doesn't want to see me again.

OP posts:

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