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Original poster

Has anyone been with a perfect gentleman but not felt he is that interested in them personally?

46 replies

Bigfanofcheese · 28/07/2019 12:00

Hi all,

I've been OLD for 18 months now and after countless dates and a few short flings, I've now been dating a man for a couple of months who treats me well, he is attentive, generous, does and says loads of nice things and I think is a genuinely kind and faithful bloke. He is handsome and hardworking.

However, I do kind of feel he behaves like this because he is a good man but either doesn't have that much of an interest in me personally or there just isn't much of an 'intellectual connection'.

That is to say, any substantive conversations are usually about his interests or views, he never seems much interested in asking or discussing mine.

Often if I start talking about something I am interested in, for example current affairs or something going on in my work or personal life (funny or serious), he will listen attentively but not engage in conversation and kind of leave me hanging or turn to something similar that applies to him. I don't think I bore on too much and have been conscious of not talking too long in case it is this!

He rarely asks me any questions to find out more or start a conversation other than how I am, what do I want to eat or do when we are together. I do ask him a lot and he is keen to talk about these things so it isn't just that he is quiet.

An example is that we have discussed his faith and culture in a lot of depth, watching films and documentaries together, but he never seems to want to know much more about my background or beliefs, even when I try and talk about these. Granted, we live in my nation of birth, the UK and not his, so he does have more background knowledge, but I am from a very different area to where we live and he hasn't been here all his life.

I feel myself feeling lonely and frustrated despite his general decency. I am 33 and would like a family. He would like this too. Does all this sound like something that could be improved? I don't want to throw away a solid relationship with a good man if so, but equally feel quite unfulfilled as a person.

He only wants to date exclusively so there is no option to see how it goes and meet other men.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 28/07/2019 12:04

Is it a solid relationship though? Where do you fit into it?
I couldn’t be doing with someone who only seemed interested in themselves.

Original poster
Bigfanofcheese · 28/07/2019 12:05

Sorry, don't think I made it clear but he has expressed he would like to continue seeing me with a view to a long term relationship so it isnt as simple as 'he's not that into me'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigfanofcheese · 28/07/2019 12:07

Soz NC, that was an addendum, not a response to you!!

Well this is it. I feel I fit into his plans because I tick the right boxes- own place, have a decent career, quite attractive etc- but I could be anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigfanofcheese · 28/07/2019 12:10

I feel quite guilty though because he does treat me well (I don't mean in terms of him spending money, just attentiveness etc.) and as though I should feel lucky to have found this.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 28/07/2019 12:12

I went on one date with a guy like that. There wasn’t a second date. Maybe I’ve become less tolerant as I’ve got older but I just saw it as a huge red flag.

Original poster
Bigfanofcheese · 28/07/2019 12:22

NC, I suppose on early dates when it was quite light chat, he did ask me questions so it wasnt immediately apparent but now it seems as though he doesn't really care to know me in any further detail or engage in deeper conversations unless about him.

There is no malice there. For instance when I was feeling a bit unwell last week he brought me fruit, drinks and lovely things like that. It's as though he has decided 'she'll do' and that's that.

We don't have a lot in common in terms of hobbies or anything, I have made an effort to find out more about his interests and he will tell me more at length but he has rebuffed suggestions to do things that I love, eg join a book group together with my friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigfanofcheese · 28/07/2019 12:24

Sorry to go on and on like this, I promise it's not always the case! I am just trying to weigh up whether it would be foolish to end this as I'm not sure I would meet someone so decent in other ways again.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 28/07/2019 12:25

Where exactly is he from OP? I ask because my friend had very similar experiences on OLD.

Howdoyousleep · 28/07/2019 12:27

It might not be anything to do with you or the ‘connection’ between you. Some people are just less interested in others. Is he self-absorbed/full of his own self-importance? Or (like my exh) a bit stunted in relationships and finds it hard to communicate on anything other than a superficial level?

Flashesofrage · 28/07/2019 12:29

Don’t mean to be rude but do you think there might be a cultural element in all of this?

As in do you think he would find any woman interesting and worth finding out about? Or is it that he sees women as support for men?
Perhaps he simply wouldn’t ever concern himself with what goes on in women’s heads so just quietly tolerates you talking until he can get back to himself?
Does he talk about any women in his life as interesting people with depth?

GlamGiraffe · 28/07/2019 12:32

Long term it depends I believe, whether you have shared values, beliefs, expectations, and to an extent I think experience on some level counts. Going forward if you don't share the same values and beliefs you are going to struggle. Do you?

Original poster
Bigfanofcheese · 28/07/2019 12:50

FlashesofRage in terms of his culture, his traditionally is rather segregated into male and female socially although he does mix readily at work and has a couple of female friends.

I do find him to be a bit more critical of women than men, say at work, and a bit more judgy about their behaviour and i challenge him on this sometimes. For instance, he was open with his younger brother that he felt his (extremely smart and accomplished also very pleasant) girlfriend is not good enough as she isn't (in his eyes) particularly beautiful.

I find he speaks a lot more highly and in detail about his dad than his mum but to be fair his dad is sadly dead so it could be because of that.

So maybe you have a point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigfanofcheese · 28/07/2019 12:52

Giraffe I think we have similar basic values in terms of what to expect in a partner, treating people faithfully etc but our beliefs are very different. We have very different experiences to date

OP posts:
jay55 · 28/07/2019 13:11

It all sounds like your future would be boring and frustrating if you stay with him.

PetrolBastard · 28/07/2019 13:15

It sounds like you'll be very lonely in a long term relationship with him.

nearlynermal · 28/07/2019 13:25

I had a perfectly lovely mellow BF who did and said all the right things, but I felt a lack of 'connection' and intimacy. He might as well have been my nice polite dentist.

I later read Chapman's Five Love Languages and wondered if maybe we were just on different frequencies in terms of what made us feel loved and connected.

(One thing I remember is that he wasn't very free with the 'I love you's.)

Whatever the case, OP, sounds like you're not getting what you need...

TemporaryPermanent · 28/07/2019 13:35

I think if you're feeling lonely and upset now, so early on while youre dating, its not a good sign. You should talk about it with him. But I don't think people change that much so I'd end it, sorry.

Original poster
Bigfanofcheese · 28/07/2019 14:11

Thanks NearlyNermal I've just done the 5 Love Languages test and my score for verbal comms was way higher than any of the others (this doesn't surprise me). I would hazard a guess that his would be for 'acts of service'. I had heard of this theory but never read more into it but it would make sense and it has helped me feel a bit less guilty and ungrateful.

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 28/07/2019 15:12

we have discussed his faith and culture in a lot of depth, watching films and documentaries together, but he never seems to want to know much more about my background or beliefs, even when I try and talk about these.
Big red flag there.

hadthesnip2 · 28/07/2019 15:34

I think he wants you as a trophy wife. Not actually interested in you personally but what you bring to the table. Other thought was that perhaps you are his "beard". What does his culture say about homosexuality ?? Do you have a good & varied sex life...??

OldWomanSaysThis · 28/07/2019 15:38

He ticks your boxes of attentive, generous, kind, faithful.

You tick his boxes of alive, female, working girl parts.

Doesn't mean it's a match.

Dieu · 28/07/2019 15:50

I would have to be honest. 'I like you, but can at times find you self-absorbed'.
What is there to lose? People who've been on their own for some time can become a bit insular and set in their ways. Perhaps he lacks the self-awareness to realise how he's being.

The most important thing is how YOU feel, however. And I think you feel unheard. This isn't ok, so give him a chance to change, or leave.

lawnmowingsucks · 28/07/2019 15:53

he was open with his younger brother that he felt his (extremely smart and accomplished also very pleasant) girlfriend is not good enough as she isn't (in his eyes) particularly beautiful.

WHAT THE F?????

RandomMess · 28/07/2019 16:01

There isn't any chemistry on your side so end it!!!

Sounds utterly tedious...

SwedishEdith · 28/07/2019 16:03

Honestly, I'd just get out now. At 33, I probably would have hanged on longer angsting about all the things you're angsting about as well. At 20 years older, I'd say stop wasting your time with someone who makes you feel lonely.