Has anyone been with a perfect gentleman but not felt he is that interested in them personally?

[Bigfanofcheese]

Hi all,

I've been OLD for 18 months now and after countless dates and a few short flings, I've now been dating a man for a couple of months who treats me well, he is attentive, generous, does and says loads of nice things and I think is a genuinely kind and faithful bloke. He is handsome and hardworking.

However, I do kind of feel he behaves like this because he is a good man but either doesn't have that much of an interest in me personally or there just isn't much of an 'intellectual connection'.

That is to say, any substantive conversations are usually about his interests or views, he never seems much interested in asking or discussing mine.

Often if I start talking about something I am interested in, for example current affairs or something going on in my work or personal life (funny or serious), he will listen attentively but not engage in conversation and kind of leave me hanging or turn to something similar that applies to him. I don't think I bore on too much and have been conscious of not talking too long in case it is this!

He rarely asks me any questions to find out more or start a conversation other than how I am, what do I want to eat or do when we are together. I do ask him a lot and he is keen to talk about these things so it isn't just that he is quiet.

An example is that we have discussed his faith and culture in a lot of depth, watching films and documentaries together, but he never seems to want to know much more about my background or beliefs, even when I try and talk about these. Granted, we live in my nation of birth, the UK and not his, so he does have more background knowledge, but I am from a very different area to where we live and he hasn't been here all his life.

I feel myself feeling lonely and frustrated despite his general decency. I am 33 and would like a family. He would like this too. Does all this sound like something that could be improved? I don't want to throw away a solid relationship with a good man if so, but equally feel quite unfulfilled as a person.

He only wants to date exclusively so there is no option to see how it goes and meet other men.

He ticks your boxes of attentive, generous, kind, faithful.

You tick his boxes of alive, female, working girl parts.

Doesn't mean it's a match.

I think the obvious answer is this ^^

He actually shares a lot of traits with my ex, who is now the father of my children. I never thought we had a particularly "personal" connection (although I'm the sort who'll bang on about me whether you ask me or not), but he was such a "great guy" - everybody thought so. Diagnosed psychopath now, would you believe. Looking back he was so self-centred and everyone else was so inferior they were barely worth his interest, but boy had he nailed what was expected of him to make him look good - and so go completely undetected.

Now I'm not saying your guy's a psychopath, it's extremely unlikely, ut if it don't feel right...

A man who is critical and judgy of women in general isn't really a good man imo and that in itself should be enough of a red flag irrespective of whether or not he is interested in you and to be honest a man who is critical and judgy of women is not likely to be interested in their strengths just what he perceives to be their defects.

At the moment is is polite to you and listens - doesn't mean he isn't judgy of you inside though OP.

HadtheSnip the physical stuff is great to be fair so unless he is a very impressive actor, I'm not sure he's looking for a beard.

Trophy wife in a way, possibly. Not in the Rod Steward sense, but inasmuch as he wants someone presentable who will play their role in his life and that's about as far as his criteria go, yes.

Rod Stewart**

Wow Cranky ! Glad you got out of that relationship. I am going to end this. I honestly dont think he is a psychopath or means any harm, we are just very different and I can't go on feeling as though I could be swapped for any other similar looking female without him really noticing. Although I suspect that is unfair, he probably just shows his interest through actions rather than conversation which would be great for someone compatible but not me!

Edith you're right. Time flies and I am conscious I don't have forever to have a family.

Trust your gut. End it. Don’t listen to those voices that say ‘he’s nice to me, I can’t throw that away’. I am sticking rigidly to the view that until I feel completely comfortable with a guy, being single is more than fine.

Last November I met a guy on a course who was lovely, and we dated for a few months - a genuine guy, attractive, good job, funny etc etc, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling we hadn’t clicked. I ended it and felt so confused and guilty, but I know I was right to. Trusting yourself can be hard, I know.

It sounds as though he is looking for a generic girlfriend who will just fit into his life. It doesn't really sounds as though he is very interested in you beyond you filling the role that he has determined for you.

Hi there, logged in to reply to your post - which I rarely do!

Totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m recently out of a situation which was quite similar. He ticked the boxes but there was something I couldn’t shake - he was keen to progress things quicker than I was comfortable with (meeting family, going away etc).

Although we could get along well enough and have good sex etc, I felt like I could have been any woman - as he was just so keen on having the perfect family setup.

Quite confusing but there really did feel to be something missing and he was trying to be someone he wasn’t to fit into my life.

Weird...

If it makes you feel any better, I’m a similar age to you xx

Although we could get along well enough and have good sex etc, I felt like I could have been any woman - as he was just so keen on having the perfect family setup.

Sounds a lot like a mask.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/brainstorm/201712/5-things-psychopaths-and-narcissists-will-do-in-conversation

Actually OP one of these 5 things is precisely what you're asking about here:

3. Asks no personal questions or asks very pointed questions.

You may walk out of a social encounter or a date and realize you have not been asked one single question about yourself, despite having learned a ton about the individual (see above). Pay attention to the degree of informational asymmetry: Does he disclose an enormous amount without asking or expecting you to reciprocate?

I don't mean to drag everything to the extreme, which I guess it might look like! I'm just saying that when someone does something that appears emotionally illiterate (because everyone knows you ask someone about themselves, right?) then they're probably not entirely emotionally healthy. RED FLAG. They might not be full blown narcissist but they're never going to be the guy you want them to be.

I may be unlucky but unfortunately I don't think this guy is alone. Most men I meet seem to be like this. Soooooooooo happy to talk about themselves. .

When my friend had his experience it was because women were not really seen as individuals in his culture and once they became serious it became clear that he expected her to move into his mother's house and take care of his family and not have any interests of her own.it didn't end well.

lawnmowingsucks believe me, I called him out on that big time!

Sorry to hear you had a similar experience Popple. It just feels really dispiriting, doesn't it?

When I said there is no chemistry I meant emotional connection rather than sexual attraction. He isn't interested in getting to know every bit of you...

Random I would say we have definite physical chemistry and to be honest a certain emotional connection too which is what has made it hard to decide to end this but very little mental or intellectual chemistry if there is such a thing. I found myself thinking that wasn't so bad but truthfully it has been quite upsetting.

You need the whole package though don't you? Glad you've decided to end it long term you were be utterly bored!!!

If you find this upsetting in small doses, can you imagine living with someone who treats you like this? Or having children with them? It would be awful!

So glad you decided to end it.

Also, Popple I suppose our experiences as 30- somethings are the counter argument to the posts that crop up asking 'should I settle?'. Yes, you can find someone decent who is aiming to have a family etc but if the bond doesn't develop, then what? It feels pretty empty.

Spoke to the guy last night and ended things, politely explaining why. He was disappointed but took it fine. He replied on the lines of 'but I don't really know what else to ask you except for how has your day been and your applications to jobs/ courses'. Which is pretty crap! He wanted to form a relationship with me but had absolutely zero curiosity about anything I might have to say! Oh well. Onwards.

Thanks everyone for your support