Should I go back to him?

[RockChick1988]

Separated from my ExP 2 months ago due to a number of issues including a lack of trust and built up resentment on my part and yesterday he says he’d like to get back together as it’s killing him not seeing our DD grow up (he works long hours) and he misses me. Our DD is 11 months.

So a bit of back story, we had been together almost 6years, no sign of commitment from him side even when suggested by myself. During our relationship he had text 3 girls including his ex in what I would say was in an inappropriate way, we had discussed these at the time and he had fob them off as nothing and that he had been stupid to risk our relationship. He is lazy, would often put me down as a joke.. even yesterday insinuated I wasn’t intelligent but made it out to be a joke and does/has had a tendency to be a stroppy child and just has never shown he really loves me. All of these the reasons I left along with him not been hands off with our DD. I am in no way perfect I tried leaving him three times, each time I returned he’d slightly improve ( loading the dishwasher and sometimes cooking ) but the moment I let my guard down that’s it he’d go back to his usual ways, something he says isn’t true. But obviously I can understand him feeling hurt and resentful for me leaving with our daughter something I feel so guilty for.

Now he is telling me he’ll do better, we can go to therapy and that he’ll more, however like I said to him I don’t know which version of him is really him anymore.. and that the one he goes back to must be the real him. His dad acts the same way and is in his 60s. And to be quite honest I don’t think he wants me back but he wants to have DD back, almost to portay the perfect family image because he does sweet FA with her.

So should I go back? I don’t think I should, but this guilty feel I have of feeling like I’ve wronged him won’t shift which makes me wonder if I’ve been to hard on him.

No. He can still see his daughter growing up if he wishes to see her. You haven't said he wants to genuinely be with you and be a family. There's more to family life than occasionally filling the dishwasher and cooking.

These types of men don't want the reality of relationships but they do like the comfort of living with someone who looks after them.

You've been there, repeatedly. It doesnt work. Stop feeling guilty, guilt is when you put your child through their parents crap relationship. She doesn't deserve that.

No. It sounds like you already know what will happen if you go back. Spare yourself and your family that.

Why do you feel guilty?. He does not.

He misses his slave i.e. you and wants you around to merely facilitate his inherent laziness. What he is telling you is all BS as well, he learnt a lot of damaging crap from his dad and not altogether surprisingly he is the self same. His dad has not changed and neither has your ex; he is trying to tell you what you want to hear. If there is no trust or a lack of trust, there is no relationship anyway.

Look at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. What do you want to teach your DD about relationships, would you want to teach her that such from a man is acceptable and indeed should be expected from men?. No and you would want better for her as an adult. You should expect better for you too.

Putting you down as a person is emotionally abusive behaviour and why would you want to subject yourself further to him at all?. What has he brought to the relationship here?. There is far more to family life than emptying the dishwasher and cooking on occasion.

No don't go back and no you have not been too hard on him either.

No. He had six years to prove himself. You will just go round in circles if you try again. Give yourself a chance to move on with your life. Frankly, from how you describe him, he has a hodt of negatives and no redeeming features. You can do a hell of a lot better. Hell, being single is better than being dragged down by an abusive, lazy, untrustworthy partner. You have nothing to feel guilty for and if you do anything with your daughter in mind don't expose her to a terrible male role model as that will set the bar for what she will accept in her own adult relationships. Show her through your actions that women are perfectly capable of being strong, confident and independent and don't need to settle for shit.

It doesn’t sound like you want him back; I do feel for him as it’s hard not living with your child even if he’s at fault but you can’t be with him just for that. I also wonder if he realises it’s harder work having your DD by himself than when you two are together

1. if he was that arsed about being a decent dad he'd have done it by now.

2. putting you down and slagging you off is NOT normal or acceptable behaviour from a partner

3. you've told him numerous times what's getting you down and he's apparently made minor efforts after you've left before but no real effort to change, be involved and an equal partner.

4. he's happy to let you do everything, and doesn't have any respect for your feelings, needs or opinions. But now you've had enough and want to make your life better he'll all of a sudden become the man you need?

Why didn't he do it the first time you raised it then? Or the hundredth?

He's pissed because his life is affected, but it wasn't enough for him to change when it was you who was miserable.

He's still a selfish dick, he's just manipulating you into believing he isn't.

If he was going to be a decent man, he would have by now. If you do go back, I give it 6 weeks max before it's back to how it was before.

Go with your gut instinct, because it's not wrong.

He has told you the last few times he would change, so you went back. Each time proved to be a lie.

What’s different now? He is saying the same things that got you back the last few times. Talk and no action.

Absolutely not. If you had to leave him again down the line, your daughter would be old enough that it would hurt her. You did the right thing splitting when she was too young yo remember him living with you.

He was not a good partner and he would not be any better going forwards. You deserve to start your life afresh away from him. You haven't wronged anyone, but you would be if you went back to him, you'd be doing yourself wrong. And your daughter too as she would grow up I'm an environment where women stay with their partner despite all the shitty things he does. Which is not a lesson daughters should learn.

I just wonder if I was clear enough for him in the times I did leave or when I did ask him to do something or not to call me a specific name. He said to me you act like I emotionally abused you and like I’m the bad guy and it just makes me feel terrible but I’m just being truthful in how I have felt.

And I agree regarding the statements about DD saying our relationship, it’s a major factor in all of this. I really wouldn’t want her being in such a relationship where she hasn’t felt valued. Even in pregnancy I didn’t feel it. As soon as I told him I was in labour he decided to go to sleep.. after we spoke to the hospital and they said not to come in. So for a good 4hours just left, now it isnt like I’m defenceless but I would have thought a good partner would be too excited/nervous to sleep at such a time.

RockChick1988 you shouldn't have to ask a partner not to call you names, not in a healthy relationship anyway. It's not normal to call your partner names, to belittle and ignore and repeatedly disrespect them.

He says it sounds like he's emotionally abusing you because that's exactly what he's doing.

DP and I have been together 8 years, we've been through some unbelievably tough times, I mean brutal life events that have been really rough for both of us. Not once, not even in the hardest times or biggest arguments has he ever called me a name, nor have I called him a name.

Your ex is a scumbag.

In the nicest possible way, did he care when it was you feeling down? Feeling unloved and lonely and unheard?

No, he didn't, because it didn't bother him and he got to live his life his way.

Now you're away from that, and it HAS affected his life, he suddenly wants things to change? I bet he does, because he knows fine after a few weeks of paying lipservice to trying to change he can slip right back into his easy life where it's you who bears the brunt.

Do you honestly want that? Do you want that for your child?

The fact is, you should have to explain stuff that would be common sense to any normal, empathetic person. Often when we are with shitty people we find ourselves thinking 'if I just explained myself better, maybe he would get it'. The fact is, normal decent human beings wouldn't need you to explain to them why we are upset by their shit behaviour.

He DID emotionally abuse you. All those little digs and put downs, exuded as just a joke or you being too sensitive - that is abuse. He just wants you to think you are the one with the problem for calling him out on his shit.

He sucks op. Sucks. And you can't change him. Don't.take.him. back.

*excused as jokes

So even as he's asking to he back with you, he's still insulting you! Under the guise of a joke.

He is just scared you'll find a good man who treats you right and who is a better role model for DD.

He doesn't want you to move on. He won't change..nothing he has done indicates that and the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Had he actually shown positive signs, I might have said to give it a chance starting off with dating him and see how it goes....but he is not a good partner.

@InTheHeatofLisbon, no he didn’t care or didn’t seem to care when I was the one that was unhappy. Usually he’d just laugh and then when I did break down in tears he’d perhaps rub my back but wasn’t enough for him not to do it again.

@Pinkbonbon, that’s true, I know if I’ve said something hurtful.. it isn’t rocket science all you have to do is think how that would make you feel. But he definitely lacks emotional intelligence.

Quite clearly he wants DD back and I suppose unlucky for him I can in tow.

no he didn’t care or didn’t seem to care when I was the one that was unhappy. Usually he’d just laugh and then when I did break down in tears he’d perhaps rub my back but wasn’t enough for him not to do it again.

That's heartbreaking OP, you deserve so so much better. So does your DD, because she deserves to see her Mum happy, not belittled and mocked.

You are worth more than the way he treats you, I promise you are.

Laughing when people are hurting is not lack of emotional empathy op. It's straight up not having any.

I'm sure you will have seen posts about narcissists on mumsnet, might be wise to read up on them. Because it sounds like it might be relevant.

'Narcissistic hoovering' might also be what is occurring here. It is often when it looks like you are moving on and becoming strong again that these sorts attempt to real you back in.

DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM! IT WILL JUST BE MORE OF THE SAME!
The only thing that seems to be making you even consider this is that you feel guilty. Guilty for what? I suspect that after six years with this waste-of-space, he has had ample opportunity to fuck with your head and implant this 'guilt'.

Don't go back to him.

He's just done a number on you to make you feel guilty. He's still an emotionally abusive knobhead.

Don't go back. You and DD both deserve better.

He obviously has and yet he comes here, cries and says he misses us and it’s like I forget what he has done or think I remember it differently. Yet for months after I had DD he kept making a comment, I asked him to spoke, then I told him and got angry, then I just ignored him.. in the end I broke down and he just said he thought it was just annoying me. Yet still didn’t stop even though I was stressed enough with becoming a new Mum. That’s who I need to remember he is.

Yes you need to remember he is an abusive twat and he's not going to change no matter what he says.

What's the contact schedule?

Surely he gets more one on one time with DD now? He used to barely see her before when he worked long hours, and didn't engage much when he was around, right? So surely he has more quality time with her now, no?

He obviously has and yet he comes here, cries and says he misses us

My XH used to do the same, turn on the tears because I couldn't bear it and it got him his own way.

Next time he cries, laugh at him and tell him he's being ridiculous.

Actually probably don't, because it'll bring his true colours out and as he's already an emotionally abusive prick I wouldn't want to push his temper.

But every time he cries, remember his response to you when he made you cry. Every single time. Remember how you felt, crying and asking for support and being dismissed and laughed at.

He's awful OP, you and your DD deserve better.

@TowelNumber42, only once a week. We have relocated as couldn’t get housing near him (I hadn’t been in the area long enough to qualify) and my job and support network was a 90 minute drive away. ExP won’t take DD overnight and can barely manage when she is crying longer than 5minutes, I leave him to it but he just brings her back. Whenever I give them one on one time he moans that he wants family time and then doesn’t interact with her because he is in a mood. So sometimes I end up going out with them just so they can interact. I think he gets frustrated because DD can’t speak he can’t figure out what is wrong with her and just says she is difficult.

So sometimes I end up going out with them just so they can interact.

You need to stop doing this. This is his contact time with DD, not you. He can't have "family" time when you are no longer a family. The more you post about him, the more of a twat he sounds.

You are well rid OP. Keep it that way.