DH lost interest in me sexually

[mummmmeee]

My DH has always had a very high sex drive. We used to have sex a lot when we first got together (at least 1x a day)and over the years even though we had sex less we still had it regularly and he was always wanting more. Since the birth of our LO 9 months ago he is literally not interested at all. We've had sex a few times but he's not really interested in intimacy and things like kissing me apart from giving me little pecks on lips. I find it very unusual and it's starting to affect my self esteem. I had put some weight on when pregnant but I'm a size 10 (was an 8 before getting pregnant) so I don't consider myself to be big as such and trying to be healthy so I can lose the remaining extra weight. But I feel very unattractive as my own DH doesn't seem to fancy me. Is he having an affair? Why doesn't he want me after 5 years of good sex life? It's literally been since I had our son and it's making me very sad and tearful

Have you talked to him about it?

Porn.

Madonna/whore complex.

I've not talked to him directly about the lack of sex, just made a few passing comments about it. I've told him that I like being kissed 'properly' now and then though..

Porn is on my mind as I caught him watching porn recently. I don't think there's anything wrong with watching porn as such but I don't know how often he watches it. How do I approach this if porn is to blame?! He was very embarrassed I caught him watching porn.

Madonna/whore complex?

I almost feel embarrassed to talk to him about it. I think it's because his changed attitude towards me has made me think he's not attracted to me anymore. He still says I'm beautiful, sexy, but it's just words. His actions say otherwise

I think another woman is a possibility. Are there any other signs?

Sorry op, so many of these posts recently. Usually all end up porn related, basically he's replaced sex with porn, it's a selfish easy way, more and more men are becoming addicted to, and since he's clearly given up having sex, you can be sure he's developed an addiction.
It's a fairly serious tbh, causing death grip, pied etc and takes specialized counseling in a lot of cases.

He will deny any use and the extent of his use, so I'd collect any and all information on his usage and save it all via screen shots. Otherwise he will hide it better and gaslight you into believing it's not his problem, but yours.

Everyone's tolerance for porn in a relationship is different, however if it's gotten to the point where there is no active sex life it's extremely damaging to your self esteem, as you are now realizing.

Im with @PicsInRed if it coincided with you giving birth.

I'm thinking madonna/whore bullshit too

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna–whore_complex

Basically some men think/feel a woman can EITHER be a sexual desirable but not respectable being (whore) OR a mother - pure, asexual, on a pedestal (Madonna - as in the Virgin Mary) - but not both!

Ridiculous of course. And speaks to deeply misogynistic beliefs.

Porn is also a possible issue.

Another possibility - how was the birth? My ex was very wary of sexual activity after I had dd he finally admitted (I think there was an element of not consciously knowing himself) that it was partly fear of hurting me (long difficult labour which ended in emcs and I lost a lot of blood, much of which he witnessed) and partly fear of getting me pregnant again (not something I could risk as due to a rare condition another pregnancy would have literally risked my life) so understandable to a degree. I ended up addressing it in part by taking him to a Drs appointment with me where the dr was able to reassure him I had healed well and it wouldn't do me any harm, and we went super cautious on contraception - me on pill + condoms + pulling out initially until he felt more comfortable. Took some time and lots of discussion and me promising I'd tell him if I was in any discomfort at all.

Communication really is the key with such things.

Is he too tired? Babies can be exhausting!

We have less sex now nearly 1 year old ds is here but I'm sure things will pick up a bit as he gets a bit older.

The Madonna/whore complex is a Freudian theory for which there is no evidence. It’s more likely because he’s tired, or thinks you are, or just got out of the habit with a child.

Is it very tough going with the baby (lack of sleep, teething etc)? If so, I'm thinking, maybe he's subconsciously afraid of getting pregnant again?

I mean got out of the habit of having sex since you’ve had children.

Talk to him, OP! Just find a good time to say that you've noticed the change in your sex life since becoming parents and ask him if he's noticed too? Is there anything you (as a couple) could do to improve things?

@Northernparent68

Freud was an utter fraud but let's not go there.

It could be something as simple as just being tired to stress to any number of things. You need to talk to him, it was just get worse for you if you don't. Sit down and ask him. So many couples are afraid to communicate honestly, so many things go wrong because of poor communication, but so much can be resolved through communication...Same actually for many things in life.

I checked his phome yesterday. Yes I know please don't say I'm a terrible woman for doing so, I just want answers. I didn't find anything at all. Although noticed on his FB it showed he has a message but when I clicked on it it didn't show anything but the new message icon didn't go away. It's happened before. I've heard of secret messages on FB and not sure if it's that or how to access them if it is?

The birth was quick and slightly traumatic due to that. I don't think he's worried about hurting me as the few times we did it he just acted normally. I've got coil and BF so my periods haven't returned which means double protection from pregnancy and he knows that.

Next week his mum has agreed to have our LO for a couple of hrs so we can leave the house without him and go out for a drink and meal for the first time since before birth just us. I might try talking to him then. Though I know if it's porn it's dead end as knowing him he won't admit to it. Feel my marriage is doomed! I really miss intimacy but my own husband won't give it to me.

No more speculation until you have TALKED TO HIM?

Tiredness maybe but before the baby tiredness never stopped him at all. He could literally be exhausted but still wanting sex. He could be poorly but still wanted it too. He was sort of addicted to sex but in a good way if that makes sense?! Respectful if I didn't want it. No evidence of affair really. He stays at work 30mins-hr late regularly these days but he earns more so that's explained as overtime.

The other day I asked him what's wrong. Not sex related just his general attitude and he replied he doesn't know.

Not sure about Madonna/whore complex as such but I did wonder if seeing me with the baby all the time, me BF has turned him off me as a sexual partner and maybe he just sees me as his sons mum? Marriage doomed springs to mind again!

I will talk to him but I doubt I'll get any answers tbh

This was the exact situation with ms and my DH. Turned out once I lost my baby weight and returned to my size 8 body, dh couldn't stop touching me. I figured out my weight loss made me more attractive to him as he grabbed my waist whilst having sex and told me how sexy my body was.

At that moment, I just wanted to punch him. He chose to neglect me and ignore my desires and made me feel shit basically because I had put some weight on and couldnt do anything about it for the 1st year as I was single handedly raising OUR son and running OUR household.

Can you sense the resentment? 🤭

I lost a bit of love and respect for him at that moment tbh.

I really feel for you. Just responded to you has brought back the horrible doubts and feelings to me.

Dont know what to suggest, as I'm still with dh! But. I eat what I bloody I want and stopped going gym. Im still relatively active in other ways and I've gone up to a size 10. I look and feel good about myself. My dh was and is the dick.

This may not be the case for you. But it all sounds familiar..xx

Bloody typos.

KRAmum I'm sorry you had to go through the same. Thank you for your response. If it's the same with my DH which it might be it makes me really sad. I gave birth to a healthy amazing little boy and you'd think my DH would love me more for it not less because of slight weight gain. I'm not surprised you lost some love and respect for him. That's the thing, if it is my weight (feel stupid even typing this as I'm hardly big) no amount of talking to him will reveal that as he won't want to hurt my feelings so I'll be none the wiser until I lose it. What a dick as it might just be it

Talking to him may not give you all the answers. But at least it will make him aware of how you're feeling, which hopefully will give him a bit of a kick up the arse. Does he realise you're sad about this?

I wouldn't save it for your night out though, in case it spoils the evening if the conversation doesn't go well. Have the chat beforehand and then try to use your night out to reconnect as a couple - flirting a bit and remembering what you love about each other.

Your marriage isn't doomed! Your baby is only 9 months old - the first year is tough for most couples. You can recover from this if you're both committed to the marriage.

The naivety here with people thinking men stop wanting regular sex because of tiredness is ridiculous.

The Madonna/ whore thing is ridiculous bs too.

Op, when you catch him using porn again I think you'll have your answer. We'll still be here for support then too.

Thank you for your kind words pineapplefish I hope you're right and my marriage is not doomed but my gut says otherwise.

Yes I'll try to speak to him before date night if I manage to pull myself together. At the moment I just can't see a way out.

A) if it's porn related as many PPs have suggested it's out of my control as he does it in secret and I've no idea how often.

B) if it's related to my weight gain I just think he's being a dick as I had our lovely baby and am hardly big.

C) if it's Freuds theory well..again I can't change that! Even with me doing everything for our LO and him being a terrible sleeper I find the energy to occasionally dress up in sexy lingerie for DH and he loves that but again it's me initiating it, me making an effort and I'm sick of it.

The more I think about it the more I think it's related to my appearance, even if porn is to blame I think he's turning to porn because he doesn't fancy me as much anymore. This makes me really sad.