Hi am I being really petty or would anyone else find this a big problem

[lou8519]

Hi I am just after a bit of advice . I do suffer a lot with anxiety but I don’t know if I’m just having a bad few days or this truly is a problem . I know to some this may seem really petty but it’s becoming a huge problem for me . Iv been with my partner for 8 years and he’s always been in to his social media , football manger and fifa . He would and still just sits there after work playing his game from around 6 until he’s time. This does get to me on times because it makes me feel a bit lonely but then on other times I tell him to go on it because he never likes to watch anything I do so I think it makes life easier . Anyways I’m over this . Thankgod ha ha . So not only does he do what I have just mentioned but his phone constantly goes off . Non stop . What’s apps. And when I mean non stop I mean every two minutes or so . It’s only his brother but it’s really starting to get to me . I personally think it’s a bit too much especially at 30 years of age . I thought this was the kind of things teenagers do ? This has been the same for the whole time we have been together . But gradually got worse . So in between everything he’s doing I’m just sat there on my own watching tv . When I do talk he answers ten mins later because it’s just registered that I spoke . He just says sorry what was that . He works long hours . So do I do we spend little time together. I make an effort not to go on my phone when I’m home . If it’s an important text I will reply but that’s it . He says that he works all day now this is his time to reply . But he’s on what’s app all day in work . He accidentally showed me a message from his brother and the convo went on all morning and day . But only texts me around 4 times in work which could be every 3 hours or so because he says he’s been non stop 😂. That doesn’t bother me to much it’s just the non stop texting at home . Two nights ago for 4 hours he didn’t put his phone down the texts were back and forth constant so I went to bed . I I’ve mentioned to him that his phone is going off to much and he always turns it around to saying I wouldn’t stop you talking to your family . I’d never stop him but I think all day and night texting especially when it’s nice to have some time together is too much . On the odd occasion that we are watching something and his phone is going you can just tell he’s dying to look and reply then goes to the toilet and takes him phone too . These last two days have gotten to much for me . But is it a good enough reason to want to end it all or is my anxiety on a high about it all . It is making me pretty depressed. The fact that I know this ain’t something he is going to grow out of . If this continues tonight I will be mentioning that his brother texts you all night because his wife works shifts and doesn’t come home until 12 am so he’s there on his own . I think if she was home it would be different. Also his family are the same with their phones and technology. His mother is her laptop stuck to her lap from the moment she gets in from work . I wasn’t brought up like it . I just think do I really want to spend the rest of my life like this . My mother says that thing s could be worse he could be going out all the time with friends , but he doesn’t . He doesn’t go out and he is really good with work too . So I know I could have it a lot worse . I actually love going to bed lately because I know he won’t be on his phone . I don’t know if I sound pathetic or what anymore . Any replies would be grateful. I think I will feel better knowing what other people think . Thankyou

Sounds like you have outgrown each other. He is happy how it is and sees no reason to change. That includes your unhappiness.

You are looking at a future and thinking you don’t want to be this miserable the rest of your life.

Sounds pretty clear cut to me. And I bet your anxiety lessens if/ when it ends.

Just because the relationship could be worse, doesn’t mean it’s the right relationship for you.

Well, it could be worse - but it could be a hell of a lot better too, couldn't it?

It sounds boring and I'm wondering why you're settling for it? Do you have children together? If not, it seems quite simple to me - being on your own isn't worse than being lonely living with someone. Plus you'd have a chance of meeting someone else who wants to spend time with you and do stuff.

Thank you both for your replies . He just came in from work and when I came down the stairs he was already on his phone . It's mad because we have been planning a future together more these last few months and getting everything in order . We are also off to Canada for two weeks next week. It's literally been the last few days where I just can't cope no more . My stomach turned when I heard the door open just now . Iv loves today with him not being here . He was really funny with me today . Saying that I didn't reply much to him on text . I actually lied and said my battery had gone but In fact I just couldn't be bothered . We are off out for food tonight and guarantee you his phone will be going off . As soon as I get up he will be on it . The only reason why he heart go on his phone much when we are going out for food is because Iv told him there's nothing worse than two people sorting next to each other on phones . We haven't got any children but our plan was to have one next year once our house is finished . But what scares me is is his phone going to come before his child ? I literally can't see him every being able to not be on it . This is how bad he is . He can never ever allow his phone to run out of battery . It's on charge in the house next to him on the sofa or when we go in the car he even takes a lower dock with us when we are out out to plug it in to. I'm seriously dreading tonight when we come home because I know what it's going to be like . But I don't get why am I feeling like this now ? Iv dealt with it for years. He broke his phone when he was drunk a few years back and didn't have it fixed for a few days and it was the best few days ever . We lay on the sofa watching films, cuddling . I honestly think I have developed an anxiety to it over night !

You are thinking about it now because you have discussed having children and you are see what it will be like to co parent with him.

And your gut is screaming at you.

It's because you've been planning your future together that your anxiety has kicked in - it's your gut rightly telling you this isn't right and isn't making you happy.

You've accepted it up 'til now, but really, do you want this to be your normal for the rest of your life? Do you really want your dc to have a dad who's going to spend more time staring at a screen than into the moses basket?

He has an addiction. He not only refuses to do anything about it, he tries to make you feel guilty when you quite reasonably question his behaviour. It's making you feel ill. Life's too short.
I think you already know the answer.

He loves his phone more than you.
It's clear you're not compatible

Look, you're obviously having serious doubts about your relationship. Why don't you go on holiday as planned and use that to think about your future. It's amazing what decisions we can come too when we're out of our environment and there's no normal life going on, like a reboot for our brains. You'll feel a lot more settled in your head on your return about what you want.

How is he going to be when you are away? Any bit of selfishness will be magnified by 100 if you have a baby.

Hi everyone . So we went out for food last night . He actually forgot to take his phone 😂!!!!! So it was great but surprise surprise surprise it's the 1st thing he went for when he walked though the door . Then sat in the conservatory for 15 minutes . As soon as he came to bed messages were going off again ! Nothing really changes on holidays . He's still phone mad . When ever we go away for weekends he's on his phone . Constantly texting . I remember we went to Scotland a few years back only for two nights and we booked a really fancy place to eat . And all he done was text his brother . And his boss and watch cricket on his phone . So when I mentioned to him that he's on his phone to much he lost the plot and was saying he was going to leave me . Iv never met anyone who uses their phone as much as him . When I was looking at old photos of him before we met . He had his phone in his hand in every single on of them ! I don't think he had much of a childhood . Or a very good time as a teenager . No friends . So o think his phone was his life and it's maybe become a habit for him ? My head is in the shed x

This would drive me mad OP! Have a proper chat about it. Tell him you are feeling second best and neglected and ask him if the two of you can agree on certain phone-free times every day. You both need to compromise to find some middle ground.

You're bored stupid. You have anxiety now because you realise you're planning a future that'll have 3 people in it, you, him and his phone. And you are at the bottom of that list!

Kids will come at the bottom of the list too. You'll find yourself doing 99% of the child rearing whilst he farts around on his phone and you'll wonder how it happened, when of course he was all along showing you how it was going to be.

And think on this - his brother is texting cos he's alone and bored. Your boyfriend isn't alone at all and IS STILL TEXTING. In other words, even the annoying brother has more interest in his partner than your boyfriend does.

You have to start thinking about a world without this guy whilst you're still young enough to start again. Houses can be sold. They're not a pair of handcuffs.

Spend your holiday in Canada doing some serious thinking. I bet his brother and his boss will be in the room with you two the entire time.

I echo the pps comments here. Sounds like a future with him is going to make you feel even more trapped. Find someone who actually wants to spend quality time with you and not be in a relationship with his phone.

How about talking to him about some house rules.....?
Ie no phone between 6 and 8 , and after 9.30...?

In fairness the last time she did that, he went mad and threatened to leave her.

It's not like she hasn't addressed it before.

He's soooooooo boring.

I think it's time to split.

Thing is - for him this way of living is clearly normal. So - you can’t win an argument of how much time on the phone is Normal vs Excessive.
It’s subjective. And he, understandably, gets defensive - given how he grew up.
You could only hope that he would hear you when you say - it doesn’t leave much time for ‘US’.
That’s theoretical.
In practice - he is unlikely to change for you given that you’ve been together for a long time and have settled into a routine.
I’d start planning a way out.

It’s not just his phone though is it? When he’s not glued to his phone he’s playing on his game or watching the things he likes to watch. In every example you’ve given the one thing that screams out at me is you’re never his priority. I’m not saying he’s a terrible guy but you’ll never be his primary focus.

What you’ve described is what a future with him will be like. If you had kids it’d be the same. He’d just continue on his game or messaging on his phone instead of looking after your child.

You’ve tried talking to him and he gets aggressive. Threatening to leave you. Dismissing your genuine concerns. And he even gives you attitude and forces you to lie when you don’t indulge in his obsession with his phone use.

You’re lonely. You’re anxious. Surely even being alone would be better than this? Wouldn’t it be nice to be with a man who makes time for just you? Who would rather talk to you and do things with you?

Thankyou for your comments I really appreciate them . They have helped me realise that I'm not controlling just that everyone would feel the same too . Him and his brother hasn't been texting for a few weeks . I don't know what happened . Nothing to do with them but phone issues I think . So I reckon me feeling like this is because I got so used to having peace and quiet and then all of a sudden it's gone back to what it was like and it has made me realise how bad it was . It's overwhelming. I have mentioned a few times in the past about from 8 ish we settle down or even one day a week with no phone use and he goes mad . He can't hack anyone telling him what to do and I don't even say it nasty no shouting or nothing . I think the next few days will be it for me . He's in work again now . Iv been message my friend back from last night about work and I can see he's online . What's aping his brother again 😂. And it's only 9 am and I'm already dreading him coming home . The comment really hit home about the 3 of us being on holidays together . You are so right . 😢 x

I’d have a chat about what is reasonable before you go away. Otherwise he will be on his phone the whole time and not enjoying the holiday and being with you. There’s no point in going if his phone is going to be pinging all the time.

When does he engage with normal life going on around him? When does he spend time enjoying being with you? (Only when he forgets his phone.) It does sound excessive.

I think I forgot how good life can be with him when he had the issue with his phone so couldn't text his brother as much . Honestly now it was lovely ! If I leave the room and come back before I go back in the living room I think to myseIf I bet a 100 pound he's on his phone . And oh yes it's back in his hands 😂! I did say to him yesterday that I'm feeling really fed up I feel like going away for a weekend on my own and getting away from everything . But I can't say the reason why cause it will be the end of the world . I do everything for him he doesn't lift s finger in the house . I do everything for him . He doesn't do anything for himself or lift a finger in the house . I really feel like stopping everything so when he gets in he will have to sort clothes food and everything thing out for himself and not just be able to shower , sit straight on his ass and not move until bed time . I can tell he's in a mood with me today because he has not text me back but is constantly on line . If I say when he gets home I messaged you this morning he will say I l ow Iv just been non stop on work 😂. I can't see us having a future together like planned and like I wanted . That's all I wanted up until a few days ago . I hate feeling like this . X

It’s very not ok, it’s plain rude OP.

Don’t have kids with him unless you want your child to have a father who rarely engages with them.

Are you sure he’s not messaging women? Does his brother not have a life or something?

If this relationship is going to work you need to tell him how lonely you feel when he’s a few feet away from you obsessed with his phone. If he doesn’t change, leave him.

It's definitely his brother he will willingly give me his phone to read them all when ever I'm insecure. He's dead against cheating . It was way worse before he would be on fifa on the headset to his brother for hours every single night . This went on for about 2-3 years . If it continues tonight I will have to say something I'm just not in the mood for him to flip out because even if I say something that he doesn't like he can not speak to me for days and days and can be really horrible . Also when this happens I'm dat next to him trying to talk to him and he's on his phone just looking through Twitter it's as if I'm not here he won't even look at me . X

Please no children. He doesn't lift a finger now, why will that change when you're bogged down with a couple of kids.
I love using my phone but if my partner told me it was upsetting him it would be gone (well for several hours each night at least!)