Hi am I being really petty or would anyone else find this a big problem

[lou8519]

Hi I am just after a bit of advice . I do suffer a lot with anxiety but I don’t know if I’m just having a bad few days or this truly is a problem . I know to some this may seem really petty but it’s becoming a huge problem for me . Iv been with my partner for 8 years and he’s always been in to his social media , football manger and fifa . He would and still just sits there after work playing his game from around 6 until he’s time. This does get to me on times because it makes me feel a bit lonely but then on other times I tell him to go on it because he never likes to watch anything I do so I think it makes life easier . Anyways I’m over this . Thankgod ha ha . So not only does he do what I have just mentioned but his phone constantly goes off . Non stop . What’s apps. And when I mean non stop I mean every two minutes or so . It’s only his brother but it’s really starting to get to me . I personally think it’s a bit too much especially at 30 years of age . I thought this was the kind of things teenagers do ? This has been the same for the whole time we have been together . But gradually got worse . So in between everything he’s doing I’m just sat there on my own watching tv . When I do talk he answers ten mins later because it’s just registered that I spoke . He just says sorry what was that . He works long hours . So do I do we spend little time together. I make an effort not to go on my phone when I’m home . If it’s an important text I will reply but that’s it . He says that he works all day now this is his time to reply . But he’s on what’s app all day in work . He accidentally showed me a message from his brother and the convo went on all morning and day . But only texts me around 4 times in work which could be every 3 hours or so because he says he’s been non stop 😂. That doesn’t bother me to much it’s just the non stop texting at home . Two nights ago for 4 hours he didn’t put his phone down the texts were back and forth constant so I went to bed . I I’ve mentioned to him that his phone is going off to much and he always turns it around to saying I wouldn’t stop you talking to your family . I’d never stop him but I think all day and night texting especially when it’s nice to have some time together is too much . On the odd occasion that we are watching something and his phone is going you can just tell he’s dying to look and reply then goes to the toilet and takes him phone too . These last two days have gotten to much for me . But is it a good enough reason to want to end it all or is my anxiety on a high about it all . It is making me pretty depressed. The fact that I know this ain’t something he is going to grow out of . If this continues tonight I will be mentioning that his brother texts you all night because his wife works shifts and doesn’t come home until 12 am so he’s there on his own . I think if she was home it would be different. Also his family are the same with their phones and technology. His mother is her laptop stuck to her lap from the moment she gets in from work . I wasn’t brought up like it . I just think do I really want to spend the rest of my life like this . My mother says that thing s could be worse he could be going out all the time with friends , but he doesn’t . He doesn’t go out and he is really good with work too . So I know I could have it a lot worse . I actually love going to bed lately because I know he won’t be on his phone . I don’t know if I sound pathetic or what anymore . Any replies would be grateful. I think I will feel better knowing what other people think . Thankyou

I'd go on the holiday OP but then leave him when you get back. He is cheating.....but with his phone. It is more important to him than you are. I'd know what I'd do (and have done it before)....If you ars sitting watching tv together & it goes off just pick it up & switch it off. Or throw it away. Or bring a man back & have sex in front of your partner. I'm sure that will get his attention. (Joke obviously)

Just leave him OP. Its just not worth it.

Btw.....I do think its could that couples have their "me" time & there is nothing wrong with you watching trashy for a few hours in the evening whilst he is gaming or chatting on SM. However, once you've decided you want to do something together then phones should only be answered in an emergency. It is totally disrespectful to be continuously looking at your phone when interacting with your partner. And no OP, you are not being petty.

You really need to listen to yourself.

It's not OK to be skivvying for a grown man. This will be 💯 worse if you were to have dc together.

It's not OK to be ignored in favour of a phone or console day in day out.

Dump his lazy disinterested arse.

You chose to put up with this for 8 years?!!!!
More fool you.

You're a bigger fool if you carry on.

Thankyou everyone . There is a lot of history with him mind . He didn't have a very good time growing up . His mother and father divorced . Through violence and cheating . Apparently because his mother has 6 children by 3 different men which didn't stick around they didn't have much at all and his mum used to go out all the time brining different men back . They moved around . He's from Scotland . But moved here around 8 . Then from that age they constantly moved every year up until late teens do he had no friends at all and he still hasn't . Apart from his boss and two other men from the office but they done ever meet up for drinks or anything just texting and phoning . His mother and new husband owned their own taxi firm so was never at home . So I think all he did was stay in his room playing his games and only had his phone for company . When we 1st got together . We met when I was out for my Xmas party . I liked him because he was different. I was married for 11 years . Found out he had been cheating for the whole time 😴 so I ended it . A lot of violence and emotional abuse there too so I left with no confidence at all . This is why I think I have stuck at this for so long . I do love him and I do feel sorry for him at the same time . But I think it is time to grow up a bit now . I have no issue with an hour of phone use when he gets home but all night is killing me . His phone wakes me up at night constantly going off too. I sometimes think that I come across as controlling. He has said I am too . But I have come to the conclusion that I'm not . Thanks to everyone who has commented the same feelings as me . Tonight is the night . 😅 wish me luck x

Jesus, you're his Mammy too.

And God forbid you say something he doesn't like, he strops and sulks at Mammy for days. But I bet Mammy still washes his underpants for him throughout!

OP you're being a mug.

And you seem like a great person. So nice and so considerate and so kind.

But I think you've "niced" yourself into a really negative life, where you are martyring your whole life for a manchild who doesn't know how to love an adult woman.

So what if he had a tough upbringing.

He does nothing to contribute in the house aka is lazy.

He gets angry if you ask him to use his phone less.

His phone disturbs your sleep.

You are anxious because your gut is screaming at you to get away from this loser.

Stay with him and accept that you have a lonely, miserable future ahead of you with no doubt several children that you'll have to do everything for.

Have some self respect and want more from your life.

Good luck.

Who’s texting him in the middle of the night? Does he reply?

Yeah, you have basically become his replacement mummy. You do all the chores whilst he sits on his xbox. How old is he, 12?!

Please don't have kids together. You may be ready but he's really not.

I've been here though - not the phone stuff though. Ex sat on xbox for hours on end. Always told me my tv programmes were shit. Even told me to stop recording them.

He would never spend time together unless it was on his terms. Would make me feel guilty for questioning him going straight to the office or on the xbox and he'd say 'I just need to relax after work'. Like it was some sort of valid reason?

I'll tell you the difference now. My OH, when he gets in from work. He's relieved to see us and spend time with us. He'll dump his bag and get out of work clothes, maybe have a shower but he'll come and sit with us straightaway. We talk about work and ask each other if we've had a good day. Cuddles. Kisses. We love to chill out together 😊😊

Doesn't sound like you have that with him. But you do deserve it and you're not being unreasonable feeling the way you do.

It sounds like he's got a pretty cushdie life with you. He's taking advantage and quite happy to stay in his perpetual teenage years whilst you would like to grow up.

I strongly advise that you DO go on that holiday alone. You will probably realise that actually, you are happier without this man sucking all your energy away. He won't change - his priority is his phone and his brother. Family is important, yes. But there is space for both of you.

I think because it's been better than your previous abusive relationship, you've tolerated behaviour that perhaps other women wouldn't for longer. Good luck tonight.

And do the Freedom Programme and start building up your self-worth afterwards before dating again. You deserve a lot better.

He sounds like a childish twat.

Please try paragraphs.

Actually Ed that rather makes you sound like a childish twat.

I can't see what there is in this relationship for you. You would literally be less lonely by separating from him, because you wouldn't have to deal with that awful thing of someone ignoring you all the time.

having had a difficult childhood is no excuse.
He's meant to be in a relationship with ^you - not his Xbox/games.

I think he may be addicted. Lots of people are. If he was raised by addicts, then it’s more likely he will be in denial about it. You can try and break the addiction. We go on holidays to WiFi & cellphone free zones specifically so we do not get addicted to it..,or our children. There are Cottages and resorts you can book that are specifically like this, they say it’s a tech de-tox of sorts.

Bollocks to that ElspethFlashman

No-one finds reading reams of text without paragraphs easy and many will give up. Nothing wrong with a polite suggestion.

It's completely understandable that you want more than this. He sounds awful!!

Imagine what he'd be like if you had children! You'd be doing everything! And if you ever wanted to talk to him about anything you were upset about, he'd refuse to discuss it, make out it's you that's wrong, then give you the silent treatment for days. It would be a horrible environment to bring children up in.

Please, please end it with him and fgs don't get pregnant.

Do you have anyone else you or he could go away with instead?

Good luck - and courage - for the conversation later OP. Calm, deep breaths and have a clear idea of what you want to say and what you want to achieve for yourself.

IF you decide to say longer in the relationship then please make contraception as bombproof as you can as becoming pregnant accidentally will just complicate matters for YOU.

I thought what you said (below) is so sad.

I did say to him yesterday that I'm feeling really fed up I feel like going away for a weekend on my own and getting away from everything . But I can't say the reason why cause it will be the end of the world . I do everything for him he doesn't lift s finger in the house . I do everything for him . He doesn't do anything for himself or lift a finger in the house . I really feel like stopping everything so when he gets in he will have to sort clothes food and everything thing out for himself and not just be able to shower , sit straight on his ass and not move until bed time .

Please re-read that bit to yourself. It really doesn't sound as if he cares anything for you, but is happy to accept the services you offer. Whatever decision you come to tonight, stay or go - and it sounds like "go", you should consider taking part in the Freedom Programme either online or in person so you break the pattern you are currently in.

He, at the very least, needs to contribute more to the chores at home. At the very minimum for his own laundry/ironing which it sounds you also do. Definitely drop that if you are planning on separating - you are, after all, neither his skivvy nor his mother.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Personally I think being alone is better than being in such an unloving and passive/aggressive "relationship".

Strength to you OP. 🌹

So I know I could have it a lot worse

If you're happy for that to be the quote on your gravestone, carry on with this big man baby. Personally, I think he sounds as dull as ditch water and I would be out of there.

You've told him how you feel. And still his phone comes first.

Me and DH always eye roll at couples who sit in restaurants on their phones : maintaining contact with everyone in the world, except the person they are sitting next to. Ridiculous.

Hi everyone . Still not had the talk yet he's still not home from work . 5 hours late so I have just ate dinner with out him . I will keep you posted of the outcome later on . Hope your all having a good evening x

5 hours late? I can't be the only person wondering if there is OW and that's why he is glued to his phone?

I really feel like stopping everything so when he gets in he will have to sort clothes food and everything thing out for himself and not just be able to shower , sit straight on his ass and not move until bed time

If you do nothing else, please put this into practice immediately. There is really no reason why you should be waiting on someone who sits around all the time staring at his phone.