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Original poster

Should I leave over step son?

30 replies

WhereistheAlien · 27/07/2019 10:44

DP has a DS to an ex who is 13 and rude persistently to me and has been since way before our DD was a peanut in my womb.
Constantly makes a mess, repeats what I say back childishly and makes digs about my DD (who is 6 months) I’ve brought this up to DP a few times and it’s caused arguments in the past.
Recently DP has been arranging with his ex for his boy to come stay on days he is at work. This means I have him for 12 hours with my LO too.
He doesn’t make any of his own meals or clean up behind himself and when I try to get him to help he fakes tears and his mums had a go before about him being sensitive so to meet his needs basically.
We also spend most of our spare cash on him yet he’s forever calling DD spoilt due to her secondhand toys from family. She doesn’t even have a bedroom as we only have 2 and it was his before I was pregnant although he’s only here twice a week.

Anytime I try to talk to DP about how ridiculous this all is and how his DS acts it is another long heated debate and then he tries to step in and make changes but his DS then refuses to visit so it goes back to how it was just so he has contact. As he knows I’ll say no about taking his son on my own m he’s now arranging days and not telling me he’s coming up so I’ll be playing with DD when the door goes and he’s there with bags.

I totally understand it’s his son and he wants contact as much as possible but surely this is on days when he’s off work. For reference he does 5 12 hour shifts and 2 days off.

Sorry for the long post but I’m at my wits end and being on edge all the time is no good for DD and I’m not sure if I want to continue the relationship anymore. Would I be unreasonable to leave?

OP posts:
Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 27/07/2019 10:46

No you do not have to stay in any relationship where you feel like you are taken for granted (free childcare) or unvalued. I am a step mum and it is a thankless task for the majority of time (with small golden nuggets occasionally dropped in)

Weezol · 27/07/2019 10:52

I'd leave - your DP is devious, dismissive of your feelings and thinks you should be his servant. He has no respect for you.

This will only get worse for you and DD. Take back your power and build a new life for you and your daughter away from this prick.

Original poster
WhereistheAlien · 27/07/2019 10:54

I’d love the golden nuggets no matter how few and far between they are. I dread it most of the time now and as much as I love DP it’s getting harder to see a solution.

Well done you for stepping into the step mum role so well!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/07/2019 10:54

no you should leave because of your DP and because you are unhappy

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 27/07/2019 10:55

@whereistheAlien - ha - I’m not superwoman I did it for 13 years and then left last month for other reasons.

Ash39 · 27/07/2019 10:57

He's only 13, so unreasonable to make his own meals. He's probably sensitive and feeling pushed out a bit. He needs his dad though. No point whatsoever in being with you and your daughter. A 13 year old, no offence, wouldn't be that interested in you both.
So yanbu to expect his dad to be around when he is there.

Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 11:00

At 13 my dd can be self sufficient if necessary... As can he be left home alone. Go out and take your dc. You aren't a nanny.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/07/2019 11:22

At 13 my son could make his own meals -- at the very least put together a meal from items in the fridge and pantry. He could make his own bed and sort out and wash his own clothes too.

But I agree with Ash39 that he would not be interested in hanging out with you and your dd. If his father isn't there with you, he should not be there.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/07/2019 11:25

Leave. Let him parent his own child.

Bookworm4 · 27/07/2019 11:29

@Ash39
13 is old enough to feed himself,sensitive my arse he sounds like a manipulative bully.
OP tell your DP under no circumstance will you be having him days he’s at work and I’d be speaking to his mother and making her aware of his behaviour.

Musti · 27/07/2019 11:35

His son sounds like he's jealous of your dd. And you sound like you are blaming a 13 year old kid who's likely full of hormones for everything.

13 is a difficult age at the best of times, but with a dad who has a new baby to a different mum it must be even harder.

I think either leave or sit down with your dh and come up with a plan to make his DS feel loved and special and wanted. Once he feels secure, his attitude will change although teenagers are hard. Your DD will be a teenager and day and you'll understand.

category12 · 27/07/2019 11:36

Your DH is the problem here, not your DSS.

He's failing to parent the boy, failing to support you in your step-mum role and being a conniving manipulative shit to agree visits when he's not even there. He's ducking out of responsibility and treating you as an extension of himself, not a person in your own right.

Your DSS is being let down by his father and since he's got a disinterested shit of a father, his behaviour is likely related to that.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 27/07/2019 11:37

When SS turns up at the door for a pre arranged visit that you are completely unaware of, that's the time you head on out to your mum's/friend's/library.. whatever. And don't return until your DH is home from work. You are NOT responsible for your DH's son unless you choose to be. He isn't your son and whilst he should feel included in the family, you should also be able to address the rudeness and disrespect. As you aren't allowed, the rest isn't your responsibility either.

category12 · 27/07/2019 11:40

It's not fair on the child to walk out and leave him, he's only 13 and he shouldn't be a pawn of adult conflicts.

baileys6904 · 27/07/2019 11:49

I actually find these replies gobsmackingly horrific, and yet again, have a feeling if it were a bloke posting about his wife's DC, or would be a completely different story.
OP, that lads life has been turned upside down. Hes lost his dad full time out of his life, and he feels his been replaced, firstly by yourself and now by the baby.
Your baby has exactly what hes wishing for, and of course the poor bugger is going to struggle getting his head round it.
This is a child fgs. How many posts are there off grown women who struggle seeing their ex partners move on with their new family? And yet this 13 year old who is entering a really tricky time in his life anyway, have to deal with this too
And I get it's hard. My do has 3 kids and I have 1. It's been a very gentle and slow process but the little gestures make it worthwhile- when I got added on instagram it was like a full blown badge of honour!!!
I'd suggest hitting the reserve button and just try to understand where hes coming from. Perhaps have some special bonding time, you and he, even to McDonalds or a milkshake or something, and make sure his dad spends one on one time with him too. Imagine how you would feel in his situation. I would imagine that once you can get your head round this, everything else will follow automatically.
Good luck, it's a hard one but oh so worth it and he can then be the best big brother to your little one as possible

Ash39 · 27/07/2019 11:51

Of course at 13 you are old enough to be reasonably self sufficient, but the OP said he was old enough for make his own meals. That wasn't a very inclusive comment.
You are a family. Generally meals are made and shared together. There's no way I'd cook for my younger children and expect my oldest to sort himself out

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/07/2019 12:00

I think you should leave. There’s nothing nice about him in your post at all. I’m sure when your own DD is 13 she won’t be expected to cook etc for herself rather than join family meals.

He’s just a child that has had his world changed in so many aspects. He needs love and support.

Original poster
WhereistheAlien · 27/07/2019 12:02

I’d just like to clear a few things up..
1 He’s been in my life for 5 years
2 I don’t expect him to eat meals alone and when I’m making main meals he is included In every one but when DD is needing put down to sleep and he’s demanding a piece and chocolate spread it’s difficult.
3 his parents haven’t been together since he was born so this isn’t a new loss
4 I don’t blame him for his behaviour but do think there should be discipline there and not left chalked up to he’s sensitive
5 I’ve tried having him on my own multiple times before DD was around to bond

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereistheAlien · 27/07/2019 12:12

The issue is really DP’s attitude to the full thing. If he was around to parent and be there for his son it would be much easier but no amount of me having this conversation with him is sinking in which is why I’m considering leaving

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 27/07/2019 12:18

I actually find these replies gobsmackingly horrific, and yet again, have a feeling if it were a bloke posting about his wife's DC, or would be a completely different story.

What would the reaction be if a man came on and said that his wife agreed to have her troubled 13 year old on days where she wouldn't even be home and - without asking first - just left the step father to do all the work?

Posters would be absolutely gobsmacked because this shit doesnt happen that way round.

Debfronut · 27/07/2019 12:45

You have a DP problem not a SS problem. I have 3 step sons ( one now deceased) and 3 children. It is always hard to insert yourself into step children's lives and you need to work as a team. He is not doing so. The first thing I was surprised at here is that the baby does not have a room. You need to move into a home suitable for the three of you or arrange a bed for your stepson to sleep somewhere else. Yes it is his home but he has two homes your baby only has one. My step children understood that they had to muck in and share when they came to us for example whereas at mum house they had their own rooms. Your DP is showing you clearly where you belong in the pecking order and it is below his son but so is your child and they should have equal ranking. At 13 he should be able to make his own breakfast and lunch just make sure he has foods he likes and teach him if he really is unable to. You are a new mum and if he was your own blood he would be being the big brother and helping you he should be able to do that now. If you can look after him then do it as if he was your own but your DP needs to rearrange his schedule as well. I always went to visit my friends and relatives for a few hours to give my step sons time alone with dad and they enjoyed that and it helped when I returned and we did family things as they did not resent me. In short your home is your home and he is part of that home but no more or less than if the siblings were both yours and DP. Your DP needs to pull his head out of his butt and step up both as a partner and a dad to two children. My step son who has since passed lived with me for 10 years and they all call me mum number 2. It is possible to blend your lives it just takes work from both of you. If he won't then I would leave and build a home with my child.

DodgeRainClouds · 27/07/2019 13:02

Ok so going against most of the advice here and suggesting you try and have an honest conversation with him. Something along the lines of “I can see things are really hard for you at the moment, are you ok? It must be really hard to have a baby sister at your age. She will really look up to you one day I’m so happy she has a big brother to look out for her” If this is an approach you haven’t used yet try it! Boys like to put on a front but most of time they are actually sensitive and need someone to gently ease out of them what their worries are.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 27/07/2019 13:08

Surely you can tell him to get his own bread and chocolate spread if you are putting the baby down?

RubbingHimSourly · 27/07/2019 13:13

My DS has significant disabilities and could make a meal from 8 or so onwards. He's helped with cooking from toddler age.

Op, leave the bastards. You'll never be happy in this set up and your own child will never be a priority.

Original poster
WhereistheAlien · 27/07/2019 13:30

@Debfronut i think that’s the issue, him and his dad haven’t done much alone in the past 2 years but in all honestly it’s more to do with DP being lazy. He’s tired from work which I understand but he’d prefer to play on his pc instead of taking his boy to the park or Cinema. As a result I’m always around. He had more time before I was on MAT leave as I was working during the days and they would always have more fun.

This being said as a 13 year old boy he’s more than content to spend his entire time here playing on his games console and ignoring any attempts to get him out of his room bar for food.

Yeah my LO needs her own room and we are looking for something affordable as at the moment she’s in with us. DP has no desire to ask his son to share and stated to me what’s his is already his so we can make space elsewhere. I think he’s scared of pushing him away more if I’m honest but it’s not making for a sustainable household

OP posts:
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