Save my marriage

[Unusual123]

Hi
I really don't know how to make my marriage work or get my wife to talk to me. We have 3 children at school. I love my wife and children more than anything and want to save my marriage. We both work full time we both earn a good wage and my wife more than me. I don't resent that my wife earns more than me but she thinks I do. She organises everything without talking or telling me this is what we are doing and that's it. I cook clean shop iron and whatever chores that need doing without saying a word. I work shifts and I am up with the children every morning before her unless she has to go to the office. If I do something that she doesn't like she tell me then ignores me for day even after I apologise and if she does something I don't like I ignore it as it only turns in an argument. Sex life is zero intimacy is zero for about 4 yrs and talking just about the children. I've read many stories on here about relationships etc and I'm not bragging but some women seem to have really selfish partners. So what exactly do I seem to be doing wrong. Anything that needs doing is done anything that goes wrong is my fault. My wife doesn't want a divorce or break up but doesn't want me either so what is it that's she wants???? I'm at my wits end of how I can show her or how to make her believe that I want our relationship to work

Have you tried giving an ultimate I.e if we don't try relationship therapy I'm going to have to consider my options? And giving a timescale?

Sorry OP but she's not showing any of the behaviours of people who want to stay married.

I think its ultinatum time, but make sure you've had appropriate legal advice first.

Really

Well this is a man who wants to save his marriage not end it. Or is it that obvious that my wife does not want or appreciates me. Maybe your all right. Tonight we went out with friends and as usual she's got hammered and that means 7 mornings on the trot that I get up with the children whilst she has a lie in and spends the rest of the day ignoring me.

Can I ask an honest question what exactly ya husband duties other than loving and respecting his wife and sharing all the responsibilities around our children. Which all I do

She sounds abusive. What are your getting out of this marriage?

And there she is the drunk woman waking up our children when she get in and makes me out to be the prick

What exactly am I getting out of this marriage nothing else there than spending every single day with my children who I adore

Is that enough

Have you tried actually talking to her and asking what she wants? She sounds deeply unhappy to be honest. There has to be more to it. Why don’t you book a babysitter, take her out to dinner and talk to her.

Have you also asked her if she’s having an affair or interested in other women? Might sound strange to you but I know somebody in a similar situation to you and his wife was interested in other women hence zero sex life. Speak to her.

Speak to her ends up in an argument where she talks over me what tells me what a useless farther and husband I am so she's currently sleeping in our child's bed stinking or drink and cigarettes and if that was me life wouldn't be worth living

We've been to councillor and she told lis after lies end she's made out that that I'm totally unreasonable and does nothing for us as a family.
Between us we are very well off and she's tries to keep up with the Jones's where are to bd honest are the Joneses

Sorry about the angry texts

You need to go to counselling or leave her

Make or break time, I think.
Its unfair for her to carry on like this, even if she is unhappy.

I wonder what her side of the story would be?

The same could be said for any thread about relationships.

I feel really bad for you. If you're all the things you've said you are, and she really is this bad, then giving her an ultimatum sounds like a good idea. I would be asking her to move out for a while, so she can get her head round what she really wants. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

You both sound very unhappy.
I think you need to see a solicitor if you've tried talking and that hasn't worked.
If you're doing your share of the childcare you'd easily have shared custody and it may be that you could retain the family home if you are the main caregiver.
Once you've seen a solicitor tell your wife. She'll know that you're serious and might be prepared to give counselling a better shot.

Op have you gone and spoken to someone just by yourself? I know you have said you have gone together in the past but maybe it’s time for you to focus on you and get some help. It sounds like she has completely checked out. What you have been doing ie everything she wants, hasn’t and won’t work. It seems the more you try and please her the more she pulls away. Please go find a professional to talk to for you and go from there.

Best of luck x

Hold on a minute. Let’s unpick this. There’s obviously a lot of resentment built up under the surface. She’s said you’re a useless husband and father and that you are unreasonable in counselling. Is there any truth to that? Really? You’ve said she does all the organising of things. Is that because she’s had to because you’ve not been at all proactive in actually doing anything beyond the day to day basics. Having 3 kids and working full time is a huge burden plus keeping their social life and school lives running. Has she been carrying 100% of the mental load of running the family unit? I’m guessing the answer is yes because honestly, it normally is, yet you probably won’t see or acknowledge it because of you did and actually gave her a snippet of appreciation then you wouldn’t be where you are right now. Ask yourself this. When was the last time you booked a family holiday? On your own without her input. Researched it, booked it and did all the organising/packing? Is that something she does? Why don’t you do it? Now extend that to everything else. When was the last time you booked and planned one of your kids birthday parties? Organised all of the invites and ran it all? There will be a lot of those type of things (I’m guessing) where you have assumed and expected she does it. You’ve asked for help on why things have gone bad and if anything I’ve written hits home in the slightest then we are on the path to understanding it. I’d say if you want to save your marriage you get on the Internet tomorrow and book her a spa retreat (you say you have money) and YOU book it all up including treatments and you pay for it and you organise her to have time off work and you say “I know I haven’t carried anywhere as near as much of the mental load as I should have. I appreciate you and everything you do to keep our family ticking over. Go on the spa break and leave everything to me” then you take the time off work and you do it all. Uniform washing/ironing (including stain removal on tshirts - you know how to do that right?, bathroom cleaning, bedtimes, meal prep, packed lunches, play dates, homework, school responsibilities, grocery shopping...that will then give you some inkling into what she has had to do over the years and will give her the thought that you do actually give a damn. Up to you. Or you get divorced and then you’ll have to start doing your half of all of that stuff anyway.

Oh and just to let you know that carrying all of the mental load is fine as long as the person carrying feels appreciated. I’m guessing she’s carrying it all and you haven’t been at all vocal or appreciative. Having the person you’re married to and doing things for say “thank you so much for all that you do for our family” makes a difference between feeling happy and satisfied in a marriage and wanting to check out.

Spa days booked and barely got a thank you when she returned. Organised days out and a few days away and all I get is criticism of this that the other. She had a week holiday with the girls various weekends away with the girls nights out and nothing I do is right. She says one thing to me and does the opposite. You say she carrying the mental load of the relationship well try getting 4 to 5 hrs sleep every day running around making sure the house is clean and nothing out of place as I accidentally left the house a bit untidy one day and for my punishment I got silence for 4 days and came house to absolutely nothing done. House complete mess clothes everywhere dishes dumped in the sink toys all over the place. Like a bomb hit the place and after been up 14 hrs I spend the next 4 hrs cleaning up what she decided that I deserve. So mentally I try and carry as much of the load. Make lunches drop kids at school 2 out of 3 weeks even after a night shift. Whilst she's in bed. And I'm been honest here

You're her skivvy.

Who does the majority of the child care, it sounds like you or very much 50:50. Don't be afraid to end it as you have all the evidence for shared care!

Where one parent is a shift worker it's completely normal for contact to work around your shifts, or perhaps you could have an au pair?

The sulking and ignoring is abusive as is the deliberate leaving the house in a state. You don't stand up to her,why is that?

I’m sorry op but you can’t save your marriage by yourself.

You need to talk to each other and ask what you need from each other if this marriage can be saved. Then you both need to work at it.