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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I the reason they did bond?

38 replies

Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 08:56

My now STBxH has said that I am the reason he ah our 9month old didn’t bond. But I really don’t think I stopped them bonding at all and now I feel like I’m crazy and lived a total different life to the one he was living. So I’m just trying to process through it all and see what others think.

He said because I was/am breastfeeding he could never get a look in. DD wouldn’t take the bottle so it meant in the beginning he could help feed up but I did always ask/suggest that he bathe her, change her, talk to her or just generally play with her. The entire time he’d say no, be much more interested in watching tv, wouldn’t even watch me give her a bath. If I said ok can you change her when she wakes up he wouldn’t do it only to tell me she fell back to sleep too quickly. To be honest I think he was just very lazy. Even to the point onleaving her unattended on our bed when she had just learnt to roll over while he headed back into the living room to put on tv, his excuse ‘he could see her from the sofa’. Now I’m being told he didn’t do anything because he thought I wanted to do it all and that I wouldn’t let him and wanted control. Also because I’d correct him on certain things I.e. not putting her in the car seat properly (straps were on her arms not shoulders) and seat face the front on the car, putting on her nappy so tight it cut into her skin. Obviously I’m not going to keep my mouth shut on those sorts of things. Best of all he wanted me to stop feeding her on demand when she was 6 weeks old all because she started crying in Tesco’s, told me it wasn’t fun for her or for him and that she was a novelty to me.

Now I’m confused because I look back and think to myself I tried to encourage him to do things, but at the same time if it puts her at risk or leaves her in discomfort then I won’t keep quiet. But for this I’m controlling and stopped them from bonding Confused. Can anyone see something that I am not?

OP posts:
slummymummy35 · 27/07/2019 08:59

I can see that he is a total arse and you've done nothing wrong. To be honest he sounds horrible and you would be well rid of him. Hugs, that sounds awful and lonely and now he's trying to blame you. Thanks

LadyMinerva · 27/07/2019 08:59

You have done nothing wrong. Thank God he is your ex. Do not let him get in to your head. That's what he wants. Stand your ground.

Mrsmummy90 · 27/07/2019 09:02

It sounds like you were actively encouraging him to bond with her but he was too lazy and selfish to even try.
He's a man child that needs to grow tf up and take responsibility for his actions!

Original poster
Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 09:13

I really did try, even let him off because I thought this must be hard on him having a new baby. He barely changed her nappies and on top of that I was cooking and cleaning too 3 days post partum. Got to the point DD was even coming into the bathroom with me when I had a shower.

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 27/07/2019 09:22

Keep contact with him to the minimum. He's toxic and will only affect your mental health.
You were and are still doing a great job of parenting. Don't ever let him make you think otherwise.

Cobblersandhogwash · 27/07/2019 09:31

You sound like an amazing mum.

Lucky baby.

Your stbexh is a total knobber.

I'm glad he's out of your life.

He sounds like poison.

Fizzysours · 27/07/2019 09:38

You are a good mum. He had no interest in being a good dad. She will be fine with a loving mum. No guilt on this OP. He is ashamed and trying to blame you. Ignore him.

HotPenguin · 27/07/2019 09:41

He's horrible and trying to blame you for his own failings. A decent dad would have made the time to bond whatever you were doing.

snoopy18 · 27/07/2019 09:46

He’s making up excuses and trying to blame you for whatever has happened. Leave him to it. Some men are just a sorry excuse and don’t even deserve to have kids. Children are such a blessing & there are many ways of dad’s to bond with babies whilst mum is breastfeeding. Like you say, bathing, books, play, nappy change etc. You’re doing great.

lifebegins50 · 27/07/2019 09:49

Classic blaming technique which is highly effective if used on someone who is considerate and thoughtful. Most dads don't feed their babies and they manage to bond through cuddles & play.

There is nothing you can say to justify since he doesn't want to hear it. If he gets a new partner than this will be his portayal of you so just be prepared as it hurts initially to be smeared.

rightteous · 27/07/2019 09:52

He sounds like an utter weirdo to be honest and you are well rid. If you are split you no longer have to listen to his nastiness. That’s one of the best benefits 👍 what does “she’s a novelty” even mean? What a weird thing to say. Good on you for getting out. When he says mean things just stand up for yourself. Say “No. that’s not the way it was. You were lazy and never even wanted to bathe her. That’s why you got dumped. Start owning it. Me and her are good. Your problems are now your own. No longer interested”

category12 · 27/07/2019 09:57

Utter bullshit to make you feel guilty. Heaven forbid he take responsibility for himself.

Windygate · 27/07/2019 09:58

Millions of babies are breastfed and their fathers bond with them. It's a particularly nasty form of attack to cover up his being incompetent. Don't let him get to you.

Soconfusedandlost · 27/07/2019 10:03

OP breastfeeding is noy impede bonding. Yes it does help mother baby bond but not at the risk of other bonds.

I lived with my parents when DD was born as her dad didn't want to be involved. Ebf for 3 months. I didn't want to keep asking them for help but they would offer to cuddle with her for an hour so I could get some rest or go take a bath or have something warm to eat. They were fantastic.

She is now 3. We live near them and she loves being with them or speaking to them on the phone. They have a fantastic bond with her and it has no relation to how she was fed. They were the other parental figures in her baby life and helped with playing, cuddling, washing, dressing etc. You Ex had that option but didn't bother doing it.

RB68 · 27/07/2019 10:03

You can't expect to just bond with a child - you have to do all things with them - they don't just bond over feeding. You bond spending time alone, playing, holding, getting to sleep, reading even if they are small etc. Even if they just hold and comfort whilst watching TV. He clearly has no real idea of what he is talking about and is looking for people to blame and you are in the firing line. The response is "Dont blame me for your inadequacies"

Isatis · 27/07/2019 10:24

Fathers the world over have had no problem bonding with breastfed children. Your ex isn't very bright if he really thinks that excuse is ever going to work.

Original poster
Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 10:24

@rightteous, I assume he meant novelty as in she is like a new toy and right now you’re enjoying her but that will wear off. This was all after fing and blinding because ‘I’ forgot the adapters to fit the pram to the car seat, even though I had been the one to get DD ready etc that morning and all he had done was be in front on the tv. I mean it was horrible, so done most the shopping with an atmosphere until he decided to be nice, then DD cried for food and that’s what I got. Baring in mind that morning I hadn’t eaten either.. think I did

OP posts:
CuckooSings · 27/07/2019 10:25

My ex told a midwife that breastfeeding was a global conspiracy to exclude fathers. It's a common excuse for lazy men.
I have three children. Two with said ex who has a piss poor relationship with them now and his wife does most childcare. One with my DH who openly declares she loves Daddy more than me (she's 4)! All three I extended breastfed and co-slept and slung. I also had postnatal anxiety with all three and struggled to let anyone else handle them. Ex blames this and breastfeeding for his poor relationship with his dcs. My DH ensured I got support and therapy and simply took the baby off me. So even though I didn't "allow" the dad to bond DH still managed it because he is a good parent.
Unlike me you encouraged your ex to bond and he still chose not to. Doing things badly (like putting a nappy on too tight) is also a tatic to make them the victim. Ex use to put dd1 in front of the TV in the morning in the same nappy she'd worn all night crying with hunger as she had to wait till he'd had his coffee yet I was the silly cow who wouldn't stay in bed and let him parent. After all he'd got up with her, I chose to come down and take over! Don't listen to him and carry on being a fab mum

Original poster
Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 10:26

Posted too clearly, was meant to say I think I did go to cry but I don’t like to in public so I just pushed my feelings down

OP posts:
Branleuse · 27/07/2019 10:26

hes just rewriting history to appease himself. Ignore him. Youre soon rid, and youll be better off

Original poster
Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 11:05

@CuckooSings thank you for this. His comments really left me wondering if I done enough to ensure they bonded, but then no one done that for me and DD I just got to know her and obviously cared for and looked after her it wasn’t up to me to ensure he done the same, but I did. Well I failed but still I tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 11:06

Even getting him to talk to her was a task.

OP posts:
Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 11:08

Op - it wasn't up to you to make sure they bonded.. End of....

Whosorrynow · 27/07/2019 11:09

How callous and cruel of him to try and frame breastfeeding as something which is harmful to your baby, you are doing your very best for her and he is trying to spin this and insinuate that you are the cause of the problems that he is creating
What a selfish piece of shit he is 🤬

Original poster
Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 11:25

@Sunburntnoseandears you’re right. But I just hold this guilt like I failed somehow.

He is seeing DD today and I just have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. But then also quite sad as I sometimes forgot just how much he didn’t do and yet was so nasty and blame me for it all.

OP posts:
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