Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I the reason they did bond?

38 replies

Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 08:56

My now STBxH has said that I am the reason he ah our 9month old didn’t bond. But I really don’t think I stopped them bonding at all and now I feel like I’m crazy and lived a total different life to the one he was living. So I’m just trying to process through it all and see what others think.

He said because I was/am breastfeeding he could never get a look in. DD wouldn’t take the bottle so it meant in the beginning he could help feed up but I did always ask/suggest that he bathe her, change her, talk to her or just generally play with her. The entire time he’d say no, be much more interested in watching tv, wouldn’t even watch me give her a bath. If I said ok can you change her when she wakes up he wouldn’t do it only to tell me she fell back to sleep too quickly. To be honest I think he was just very lazy. Even to the point onleaving her unattended on our bed when she had just learnt to roll over while he headed back into the living room to put on tv, his excuse ‘he could see her from the sofa’. Now I’m being told he didn’t do anything because he thought I wanted to do it all and that I wouldn’t let him and wanted control. Also because I’d correct him on certain things I.e. not putting her in the car seat properly (straps were on her arms not shoulders) and seat face the front on the car, putting on her nappy so tight it cut into her skin. Obviously I’m not going to keep my mouth shut on those sorts of things. Best of all he wanted me to stop feeding her on demand when she was 6 weeks old all because she started crying in Tesco’s, told me it wasn’t fun for her or for him and that she was a novelty to me.

Now I’m confused because I look back and think to myself I tried to encourage him to do things, but at the same time if it puts her at risk or leaves her in discomfort then I won’t keep quiet. But for this I’m controlling and stopped them from bonding . Can anyone see something that I am not?

OP posts:

Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 11:28

You have bf your gorgeous baby for 9 months so far. No bloody fail at all!
He needs a kick up the arse indeed.

Musti · 27/07/2019 11:29

Bullocks. I bf all mine and they had no trouble bonding with their father.

mummmy2017 · 27/07/2019 11:34

Your answer is this.
Then how come millions of other dads with the same dynamics manage to be good dads....

Repeat anytime he tries to blame you.

Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 11:48

In reality if you had chosen to bottle feed would he really have washed /made up /fed your dc anyway? Night feeds?
Given your description of him, I seriously doubt it.

Original poster

Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 12:00

Most likely not, a couple of the days while on paternity leave he wanted to sleep in until 10am because he was up late playing PC games.

OP posts:

Whosorrynow · 27/07/2019 12:09

You have not failed, you are strong you put your child first

he is a failure, he fails to be a man he fails to be a father he fails to step up and do the right thing and he fails to be honest about his failure

Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 12:11

Well then try and accept it isn't you that needed to have done things differently..

MonChatEstMagnifique · 27/07/2019 12:20

He's rewriting history but he knows the truth. Ignore it. If you engaged in a conversation about it, he wouldn't admit the truth and you would just end up frustrated.

Aussiebean · 27/07/2019 12:35

I didn’t have to encourage my dh to do
Anything with our dc. He actively encouraged me to sleep in the spare room and he would bring the baby to me to be fed, then take them away to be changed and settled back to sleep while I went back to sleep. It also meant that I wasn’t disturbed by every little sound they made, which was a problem I was having.

It wasn’t you, but it is convenient for him to blame you.

Original poster

Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 13:48

@Aussiebean where did you find your dh, he sounds like a dream.

And you are all right, not matter what I say he’ll never admit. It’s all me.

Even has the audacity to say you act like I emotionally abused you. Urgh such a prick

OP posts:

Original poster

Puttingmefirst · 27/07/2019 18:16

And now it’s turned to I can’t bond with my child because we don’t live together and I can only see her on weekends.

What like I’m meant to be with someone that makes me unhappy all for his own benefit. Like I understand it must be hard id hate to be away from my little girl, but a) I would sure as hell relocate to he close and b) until such a time I would be calling and spending every free moment with her. For him he doesn’t even get to mine until 2/3, DDs bed time is 6.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 27/07/2019 18:38

Just let him talk his shit and only respond if it’s relevant to dd and contact.

mummmy2017 · 29/07/2019 12:40

You tell him this.
You choose not to bond with your child, when you lived with us. You always took the easy route and just left it to me, now you have quality time, when you can bond, you need to take this gift and become the best dad you can.

Flip

1 2